IVF or adoption for single female?

[thisorthat22]

Name change, long time user, penis beaker blah blah blah.

I'm a single woman in my early 30s. I've been in short term relationships but nothing that has developed into anything more than a year or so.

I'm aware my biological clock is ticking. I would like children. I am trying to assess which of two roots to go down.

Route A - IVF with donor sperm.
It's expensive, there's issues with child wanting to find their biological father, it might not work.
OTOH I could egg share to reduce cost, I would have a baby, less chance of disability issues.

Route B - adoption
I am not yearning to go though pregnancy/birth/newborn days so would be happy to adopt an older child. I have worked with children with disabilities, attachment disorders, and am willing to learn more to benefit the child.
I'm also aware there are many children waiting for a home.

I've got a good support network. I'd like to proceed whilst my parents are young enough to help, and also not require help themselves. Money wouldn't be an issue, I could take a year of leave unless I spent huge amounts on IVF.

Any thoughts from other single people who've done either? What were your experiences?

Do you need IVF - do you have fertility issues? Wouldn’t straight insemination or IUI be more suitable?

Adoption is child-centred i.e. you are offering a child a home, not a child offering you a chance to be a parent, IYSWIM. Whilst you might be experienced with children with additional needs, are your parents and your support network also up to that?

In a way you’re comparing apples with oranges because whilst both routes to parenting involve a child, the intrinsic motivation for one route or the other is (or should be) very different.

@NoSquirrels

Do you need IVF - do you have fertility issues? Wouldn’t straight insemination or IUI be more suitable?

Adoption is child-centred i.e. you are offering a child a home, not a child offering you a chance to be a parent, IYSWIM. Whilst you might be experienced with children with additional needs, are your parents and your support network also up to that?

In a way you’re comparing apples with oranges because whilst both routes to parenting involve a child, the intrinsic motivation for one route or the other is (or should be) very different.

Yes, sorry. I used IVF as a shorthand for all ARTs. I'd likely try IUI first, although I'm slightly wary about spending money on it only for it not to work and need IVF anyway. Something to discuss with clinics.

I think they're two very different routes.

Having a child yourself would be 'easier'. Adoption is, or at least can be, very very difficult.

Maybe ask over on the adoption boards? Or read some threads over there to get an idea of the issues you might face.

I had IVF with a donor and now have a nearly 2 year old. On Facebook, there's a group called The Stork And I which provides support for ladies wanting to go down the solo motherhood route and you could ask about everyone's experience. There's also local WhatsApp groups so you could get to know people.
IUI isn't necessarily cheaper than IVF. It's hard to get sperm in the uk so most is imported from Denmark. Postage is expensive so it cost me £2k for one vial of sperm plus postage. If you were to pay that repeatedly, IVF would work out as cheaper.
Good luck!

Hi, I'm 40 and single, and I have been considering which option is best for me too. I had almost decided that I would prefer to adopt, naively thinking it would be better to give a home to a child that needs one than bring another child into an already crowded world. However, I did a lot of reading around trauma and attachment, and even though I work with children (many of whom are looked after and/or disabled), I realised that I just don't have the skills or the emotional resilience to solo parent a child with severe trauma. I talked to several adoption agencies and people who have adopted, and I just don't think I was prepared for the differences in parenting adopted children to non-adopted; I think adoption is wonderful but I don't think I have the skills for it (yet!), and certainly not the bravery to do it alone.
So, I am now very much hoping to pursue IUI. I am in the process of having a fertility assessment. I find it very hard to know if this is the right decision and I feel in some ways it is selfish to bring a child into the world just because it is something I want, but on the other hand I have always wanted children and feel I have a lot to give and will be a good parent.

@thisorthat22 I hope you come to a decision that feels right for you. I think several people have commented how different the two options are, I know I definitely underestimated that so would just recommend plenty of research- which it sounds like you are doing. Only you can know which is right for you, but you have plenty of time to think about it and explore your options. Definitely speak to adoption agencies and people who have adopted as well as most will be glad to help.

You could also look at matching services like modamily or hey baby which are for single people who want a family. You match as parents but not with any expectation of having a romance, and you get to co parent. `the advantage would be, you'd know the sperm donor and they would play an active part in your child's life, so you wouldn't be a wholly single parent.

Hi, so I have some thoughts on the matter - okay let's be honest, I have whole notepads worth of notes and lists debating this. In my case I chose to go ahead with IVF -at least to start with it- because:

• Age limit. I was 38-39 when I started the process so my window for viable eggs was closing.
• Tests. I suffer from anxiety, so testing myself, my genetics, and knowing that the donor sperm I would use is healthy as well, and testing the embryo before implantation, etc, so I feel like I'm doing the most I can do to have a happy healthy child.
• I wanted to at least try and experience pregnancy

and some other things that if you want we can talk about privately.

What I would say to you is to: firstly go to your gp and get a general health check-up, and ask them to give you an AMH test and an internal ultrasound (i believe the obgyn performs this). Also, have a look and shop around for egg freezing, I wish I'd do this when I was your age (I have some good and affordable places to suggest.)

Whatever you decide, I want you to know that you still have time and that there are options for you. I'm 40yo, and a Single Mum By Choice on the making (4 weeks pregnant with IVF). I hope I helped out a little bit.