Have developed some sort of martyr complex about being a mother to my 5 month old

[TobiGus]

Just looking to have a moan here and perhaps there are other mums out there who are feeling the same and can relate.

I absolutely love my 5 month old and most days I feel like the luckiest person in the world looking after her. It wasn't always this way in the beginning when she was a newborn I was very anxious and depressed but things improved gradually after about two or three months and I gained more and more confidence (she is my first)

The last two days I haven't slept well and by the time I've gotten to 8 o'clock she hasn't gone to bed easy and has been crying. I've been trying to cook dinner in between running up and down the stairs to settle her. My partner is always 'tired' or 'not feeling well' after work so I get very little help ..but I won't even go into this here it's not the reason I'm posting.
Tonight kids were playing loudly outside the window and keeping her from going to sleep. I went upstairs to try and settle her multiple times and kept my eye on her on the video monitor. In the end she had a little moan but eventually went to sleep. Realistically it was no big deal and she was only unsettled for about 30 mins before falling asleep which prob some parents would be delighted with but I suddenly felt this absolutely crushing feeling of failure. I not only felt like I had failed her because I let her cry a little bit (she wasn't distressed) I then started beating myself up about other things such as I couldn't get through to the GP for her in the morning to deal with a skin thing she has because it was constantly engaged and I somehow blamed myself for it. I now feel utterly awful and am telling myself I'm an awful mother. I'm watching her on the video monitor and feel like I'm failing her and suddenly feel so anxious like I would have done in the beginning. It's probably just tiredness but I can't help the spiral when it comes. Does anyone else do this?? How do you deal with this?

Sometimes taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture can help.

Do you think that half hour of being unsettled before sleep is going to have any bearing on her when she's 18? Or 25? Or 40? Across a lifetime one tiny incident is going to make absolutely no difference whatsoever. It doesn't matter. What matters is the general, daily pattern of your parenting. If it's caring and responsive then it's all good. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

@NuffSaidSam thanks it is responsive and caring and during that 30 mins she wasn't left alone the entire time. I've read so much about the importance of responsive parenting that I feel this enormous pressure and worry almost that like a few minutes crying is emotionally damaging for the future. I think I'm being excessive. Hence all the guilt but there's just so much out there that makes us all feel like we're not doing enough sometimes

This is very much a first child thing .. my second cries all the time 😂 She’s 2 now. I had two young kids at home during a pandemic. Sometimes, I just had to let her cry while I wiped a bottom, took stuff out the oven or just generally cared for me other child! Sometimes I felt a bit guilt but generally I realised it was just life & DD2 would be fine!

And she is. She’s a happy, very loving, cuddly child. Far more affectionate than DD1 who got attention on tap. She’s far more laid back as well but that may just be her rather than how I raised them slightly differently as small babies!

Also, brace yourself for toddlerhood, they cry a LOT. Sometimes it’s best to let them cry as otherwise their tantrums get worse & worse 🙈 DD2 has just had a 15 minute meltdown about me giving her a banana when big sis got an orange. She had already rejected an orange & asked for a banana 🙄😂😂 I let her have a meltdown on the floor & after 5 minutes asked if she wanted a cuddle. She didn’t. I asked again at 10 minutes and she did. ❤️

You’re not failing. Look at what you’re doing and achieving! I definitely get the failing feeling but you’ll look back on these moments and feel proud of yourself. We beat ourselves up way too easily when this shit is really hard.