Friends toddler hurting my son

[Anon18948473627]

I have a lovely friend N who has a wonderful boy C just a month older than my DS (17 months old). We met through a family friend and got in touch with each other when C was born. My DS was born a month later. We are both FTMs and had pregnancy and a newborn through lockdown. It was HARD! I really struggled and N was a great friend to me. Never judged me, thoughtful, kind and caring. I'm so glad to have her. I don't have a big circle of friends and she has been a life saver.

We both work part time and see each other one morning a week (when our schedules allow). We sometimes go to soft play but normally go to the park and back to one of our houses. We live a 15 min walk away from each other.

Anyway, I'm at a loss what to do. Her son C has started to hurt my DS (repeatedly every time we visit) and it is getting a bit awkward. To the extent that last time I went round my DS hid behind my legs and didn't want to join in. He recoils every time C is near and constantly has his eyes on me in the room (he is not normally like this!). Every time C is near my son he tries to hit him, bite him, snatch a toy away. It really is quite awful. Last time C bit my sons foot and pushed him which made him tip back and bang his head. My friend N is mortified and told C off (she calls him a bully). Moved him away and apologised but this is happening over and over again. I'm constantly on edge and hovering over DS.

It is also doubly awkward as my DS has really good language skills for his age and has started saying ' No C, naughty C'(to be clear I don't call C naughty, N does).

Last time I was there my DS kept saying 'home Mummy' and it broke my heart. I obviously don't want him to get hurt and be upset and unhappy. He is my priority but I also don't want to loose my friend.

I obviously need to address this situation somehow but I'm at a loss what to do! I know that all toddlers go through difficult phases but I can't let DS be hurt or have toys and snacks snatched away from him all of the time.

Does anyone have any thought about how I can sort this out? Any advice would be appreciated x

I think it’s an awkward one but you have to put your son first. Maybe going to the park rather than each other’s homes, where there’s more going on and where you can follow your son around a bit more?

Honestly, I wouldn’t bother seeing them any more.

You need to put your child first.

Sorry I missed that you already go out! I think trying to gently say that your son has been getting a bit upset about it, and you know it’s just a phase kids go through and he’ll get his own back at some stage.. but for now you need to just meet up without the kids..
alternatively, just be a bit avoidant and hopefully it blows over in a few weeks?!

See her in the evening. You should have child free time anyway.

Talk to your friend. You both know it isn't working as it is, so find an alternative arrangement together. Maybe you need to only meet on neutral ground (playground, softplay etc.) or maybe you need to only meet in the evenings for a couple of months and then try again with the children.

You both sound like lovely, understanding people so just talk it through.

Do not cut her off/stop seeing her because of this.

Aw that's really hard. Don't have any particular advice but had a similar situation with a friend where her DS was friends with my DS1 but it was my DS2 that always got hurt. I ended up just seeing her without the DC and the boys gradually stopped being so friendly. Your friend sounds lovely and must be mortified but you have to put your DS first.

Who’s more important?

I’d try and save this friendship. It’s really, really hard what you and your DS are going through, but it sounds like your friend is really trying. You never know, it could be your DC being real difficult in a years time and you’ll be thankful for her support. As PP has said, could you try somewhere fully neutral (toddler group, soft play etc). Failing that, meet up without the DC until the dust settles.

Are evenings DC free or naptimes a possibility? If both DC nap at similar times you could go over to each other's houses then, put DC down to nap and have a coffee and catch up.

Alternatively both get down in the play, so you're right there shadowing C. If C gets close to your DC move him away gently and remind him of the rules. Regular reminders before and during play that we don't hurt each other, hands and feet and teeth off. At this age it's going to be quite a while before they understand, but if you can stop the behaviour and break the cycle you might be able to put a stop to it even though he can't really understand yet.

Speak to her and tell her that your child needs to take a break from seeing them for a couple of months to see if it can cause a reset. Your son needs to be the priority, but it doesn't need to be a big deal. Kids change so quickly at this age and hers probably won't continue on like this.

I can't believe people are telling you to cut them out!! Her child is going through a difficult stage that doesn't make her a bad parent or him a horrible person. He's a toddler and your toddler may go through something similar. She needs your support now more than ever I bet. It's no fun to be the parent of a child who behaves like that and being ostracised because of it would be heartbreaking for them.

It sounds like she would be receptive of discussing it and I think the solution, as previously suggested, is to get more involved in the play so that she can intervene immediately when hands are raised, etc.

Please support her as she tries to teach her son boundaries on this front.

Oh for gods sake, they are babies! Your job is to watch your baby and swoop them away from trouble. The other mum should also be swooping her child away from hurting yours. It’s a phase which will pass. One day you’ll find your child is the one whacking friends or even worse random children.

@Finchgold

Oh for gods sake, they are babies! Your job is to watch your baby and swoop them away from trouble. The other mum should also be swooping her child away from hurting yours. It’s a phase which will pass. One day you’ll find your child is the one whacking friends or even worse random children.

This.

They are so little and Covid babies need to learn how to socialise. Avoidance is not the answer here. But I’d limit the time at home and now it’s getting warmer do more outside activities where there’s more room.
You will have to helicopter a bit until things settle.

@MrsSkylerWhite

Who’s more important?

Life doesn't have to be that black and white. In fact, it's better when it isn't.

Agree with other posters, this phase will pass, just hover over/sit with your DS to make sure he doesn't get hurt and model good behaviour.

If your friend doesn't mind I would also suggest just ignoring the bad behaviour from her child and physically moving away from him if he acts out so he sees he doesn't get what he wants.

The toy one and snatching is a difficult one at a lot of ages. Most people probably don't agree but I never force my kids to share. If they don't want to and it is their toy then that's ok. But likewise if they don't want other kids to play with specific things of theirs I let them keep them separate too.