Really struggling with toddlers behaviour

[ToddlerSupportClub]

My toddler (3 in a couple of months) is getting so naughty and I just feel like I'm in despair.

He's saying shut up all the time, we are very firm with him and he knows by this point it's naughty. He looks at you while he says it knowing full well he shouldn't. He will say sorry after and say "shut up isn't kind words" but he just keeps doing it so much that sorry means nothing. We take things away from him when he does it now and he will scream and scream and scream for them back, I don't give in but it just means so much of my life is spent with relentless screaming.

He told me to shut up yesterday morning so I didn't let him have my iPad in the car on the way to nursery (the only time he has it) and the entire way to nursery he screamed at the top of his lungs, not crying just screaming at me. Everytime I spoke to try and calm him down he would scream shut up at me. Nursery said he said it repeatedly yesterday while he was there. This all started a few months ago though not to this extent and he had stopped saying it and we'd thought we'd dealt with it but it's worse than ever now.

He is just so angry, when he goes he just goes and will scream and scream and scream and be utterly horrible to me. He will demand that I do things for him, get things for him, I always say 'how do you ask' and he will then ask nicely but I shouldn't have to remind him every time. If I say no, say for another snack when he's had loads he just goes and helps himself and when I take it off him the screaming crying starts.

Again I don't back down, I am firm and he knows what he is doing his wrong. It's not that I'm not parenting him, I am but he isn't improving and it's making me so upset. He's being nasty on play dates, refusing to share, snatching, shouting shut up and hair pulling/pinching. Again all fun stops the second he hurts someone, but I just feel totally in despair. He's going to be that kid no one wants to hang out with, people must think god what are his parents like if this is how he acts but we don't use this language around him and we do try and deal with him appropriately and give him an understanding of what's wrong and the polite way to ask and act.

I feel like I'm completely failing. Naughty step was useless he's too relentless with getting up it achieves nothing. Taking things away I just get screamed at all day. Putting him in quiet time results in him getting angrier and angrier it escalates so much. As horrible as he sounds he can be a lovely sensitive smart funny little boy he isn't all bad but he really can be very bad. I just need some help or for him to grow out of it immediately

This is brilliant. Really easy to read and immediately usable.

He is 3. You are letting him wind you up.

He really doesn’t know what he is saying he is just trying to get a reaction and you are giving it to him.

Ignore the bad behaviour and praise the good. Lots of cuddles and I love you’s and kindness and loads of attention.

You are battling a 3 year old who doesn’t understand he is in a battle. The more you withhold toys and punish the worse it will get.
I think the mistake is thinking a 3 year old understands what he has done wrong and retaining that knowledge.

Out of interest is he playing with other 3 year old boys that can hold their own against him.
My Ds if I took him out to play and there were 3 year old girls or boys that weren’t into running around and being physical then it would look like he was deliberately hurting other children but he was just seeing what he wanted and charging over to get it and if anyone was in his way they were collateral damage. He did feel bad when people would point out that he had knocked little Jemima over but he just wasn’t aware of his own strength and body.

It wasn’t done out of naughtiness or badness. I just realised that other mums with girls weren’t going to appreciate a whirlwind running though their tea party. I found a tots football thing in the local park where he could run and kick a ball and there were other boys like him who he could run around with.

He told me to shut up yesterday morning so I didn't let him have my iPad in the car on the way to nursery (the only time he has it) and the entire way to nursery he screamed at the top of his lungs, not crying just screaming at me. Everytime I spoke to try and calm him down he would scream shut up at me.

It’s ok for him to scream. You don’t need to calm him down, leave him to it. (I know it’s not great while driving, but be strong…) the screaming and crying bothers you a lot, it’s clear from your post and it will be clear to your DS too. He will be partly screaming because he is angry and is expressing that, fine, but he will also be doing it to push your buttons and because you then ‘try to calm him down’ or negotiate, giving him control.
It does sound like he’s very much ruling the roost - how does he get his own snacks?? Put them out of reach, lock them away, be in charge. I’m sure amongst all this relentless screaming it’s easy to feel like you’re not in control, but you are his mum and you are in charge. Keep reminding yourself of that.

Is it ok for him to scream? He is always told it's ok to cry and to feel upset, but screaming at the top of his lungs (with no tears, literally just a throat scream) repeatedly is something I've tried to be strict with as it's so unpleasant.

I have moved snacks out his way but he will just go and open the fridge and get fruit out the fruit drawer which sounds ok as it's fruit but he will just keep going back. I have to keep tying the fridge doors closed and then it will be a huge tantrum. So am I just supposed to not react? It's so draining just not knowing what to do with him. I am failing at it all.

I wouldn’t tell him ‘it’s ok to scream’ but I would say ‘you can feel angry about it, that’s fine, I’m busy driving/ sorting the washing out/ preparing dinner now…’ and leave him to it. I might add ‘when you are calm and ready to talk nicely we can play x y or z together’. If he’s screaming for a reaction then yes, ignore it. Go about your business, do something to look too busy to be bothered (don’t try and watch TV or something he can easily interrupt with his racket) and show him some positive attention once he’s calmed down.

Move the snacks out of reach. Put stair gates on each door and every time he screams, leave the room and return only when he stops then give him a cuddle. No more iPad, he’s too young for that. He’s 2 he doesn’t understand complex ideas around ‘it’s ok to be angry but not okay to scream’ etc. You need to grey rock this behaviour. Positive reinforcement when he does something nice without being asked

He only has iPad to watch paw patrol or Bing in the car nothing more than that

Will take advice on board. It's so hard isn't it. Wish they came with instructions..

You need clear, calm, consistent and logical consequences.

So:

• If he says "shut up", just repeat "We don't say that to each other in this family, please use kind words." (And make sure he never hears you or his dad saying it!)
• If he doesn't ask nicely (which is TOTALLY normal for a 3 year old! My DD is 4 and unusually polite but she still demands things from me!) just say "How do you ask nicely?" - and most importantly, when he DOES ask nicely, loads of loads of praise for his lovely manners, talk about how happy it makes you, lots of cuddles etc
• If he screams, just say "I can see you're angry, it's okay to feel angry, I'm busy doing X just now and when you're calm we can do Y"
• If he doesn't share or snatches (again, very normal for a 3 year old), remind him gently that we play nicely or whatever, and if he kicks off remove him from the situation and say "You can go and play again when you calm down, but if you don't play nicely we'll have to go home" and if he doesn't or he does it again, follow through and take him home - and again, loads and loads of praise when he DOES play nicely, really over-egg it ("DS that's lovely sharing, it's so kind when you share your toys, it's really fun to play together" etc) and also, model that behaviour yourself - get on the floor and play with him and say, you know, "Oh look DS, there are 4 cars so you can have 2 and I'll have 2, which 2 would you like to choose?" etc)
• I have zero tolerance for hurting other children so I would say before the playdate even starts "Remember DS we use gentle hands, we can stay and play when you use gentle hands" and then if he didn't, I would immediately remove him - and again, loads of praise when he's playing nicely!
• Put snacks out of his reach, including fruit - if he can get into the fridge, get a child lock

Mostly it's about reacting blandly and calmly to bad behaviour where necessary (i.e. it's dangerous or impacting another child), ignoring it where it's not necessary (i.e. he's still screaming when you've already asked him not to) and, most importantly, praising the good behaviour beyond what seems rational! You literally cannot overpraise a young child, it's how they learn what's expected of them and they thrive on the attention. When he learns that Mummy is more fun and gives him loads of attention when he's doing those things, he'll start doing them more!

Just reread and saw that he's only 2 - all very very normal behaviour, you really don't have a bad child, I promise! They just all show their emotions in different ways!

One more thing - make sure you're not punishing after the event or with something unconnected, he just won't get it. So no iPad for screaming or whatever just doesn't work, he can't connect those two things yet. Consequences have to be natural - i.e. no iPad if he throws it across the room would make sense, but no iPad for pushing on a playdate doesn't.

Get somr earphones so you react less to the screaming as it'll be a bit muffled.
Over time as you react less and he gets less attention for it he'll hopefully do it less.

He is only saying it because he is getting such a big reaction.
Just ignore it and he'll forget.

Honestly I've just had the same thing with my now 3 year old.
I've really found since he turned 3 it has settled down.
Looking back I know I probably let him get away with more than I should have but repeatedly telling him it was rude or not very nice,he has now moved on.
I think a lot of the things toddlers do and say is just a faze,I tend to ignore most naughty behaviour (also repeat that it's not nice) it soon passes. Xx

I had a puppy a few years before dc were born.

I think child rearing in some respects is a bit like puppy training.
Ignore bad behaviour, praise good behaviour, and lots of exercise, sleep, food and attention. And always thinking 3 steps ahead of what they are doing (that could just be mine who both have ADHD and I had to do a lot of moving things out of their way and preempting what they would do next)