Problems with my 12yo

[Mishty9815]

My 12yo D has stopped talking to me honestly. She messes with things in the house constantly and eats foods or takes items i.e. lip balm, pens, small gift items and casually lies about consuming the food/ treats as well as lying about taking, moving or even destroying my personal or household items.. things like a make up pallette or an entire soap bar, wasting a bottle of dish soap, stealing my make up or office stationery and loose change I keep in a cash box.

Recently I took her to work with me and received a call next day from the mall manager informing me that she had stolen some gum from his stall and naturally i went to defend her saying that she carries gum. Problem is she is seen as hivering on the cameras and when he asked her what's in her pocket she said sorry and handed back the stick of gum.

I'm mortified this has happened at my place of work. I have tried talking to her but she's just cried and stayed mute.

I'm a single parent and her dad is in jail, for life, from before she was born. My ex left us in 2015 for another woman but I'd already gave birth again and have a 6yo, her brother. He is nothing like her and when reprimanded understands the moral and principles of choosing to do right over wrong.

She is totally indifferent and doesn't care about the consequences. I work hard and I have a work life balance, working 3/5 days from home and on a good wage, always have worked full time and kept a good routine for both kids.

I'm at a loss with her attitude towards life and constant disrespect to me as her mother and my journey to provide and support them both especially when she's constantly destroying the home I am building.

Please help me with any guidance 🙏🏽

It sounds as though your dd does have some concept of right and wrong or she wouldn't have apologised for taking the gum and she wouldn't be crying when you confronted her.

You mention your son and how he isn't like her, I wonder does she feel that he is the favourite? Do you tend to make these comparisons between the two of them? Without knowing much about her, 12 is an age where she is growing up and given her father's background and lack of presence in her life, maybe she has questions, is finding her identity a struggle?

Are you open with your dd about her dad and does she feel she can come to you if she's feeling low? Sounds to me as though she isn't a bad kid, but maybe she's just struggling with a few things atm...

Thank you for replying. I don't make the comparison as they are two different age bands. I do ask her not to complicate things and use her words more, that it's easier to respond with the truth even if she has made a bad decision and that we can work through it. I believe in open communication and encourage one another to talk about how they feel and if we need a moment before sitting down to talk things through again. I try to avoid brushing things under the carpet and be realistic about situations. She is aware of her father's situation and writes to him on alternate months. When she asks to visit him, I take her and recently put a video call request in so they can communicate better. She hates that he treats her like a 3yo and avoids her questions. I have discussed this with him. Equally I understand the woes of puberty are in full flow - but we have open discussions on whatever she wants to know on growing up and changes.

I spend all my free time with the kids doing things with them or for them and they started karate in the NY and have even got their yellow belts. I just worry when she purposely will empty a bottle of detergent in the machine or throw rubbish casually out her window to the floor, or even steal money to buy sweets rather than wake up on time or finish chores (literally just 1 which is empty the bins from the bathroom each wk) to earn money etc..

Let's hope it's a phase that she grows out of soon

What consequences does she have for this behaviour?