Advice please - other kids not letting DS play

[Sundayrain]

Really keen for any advice - I have a really outgoing, lively, sociable 4yo DS. He has lots of friends at school and a few friends out of school that we meet up with regularly. The issue is that if we go anywhere alone, park, soft play etc, he always approaches other kids and tries to play but most of the time is ignored or told to go away. It breaks my heart and gives me the mum rage! I don't understand why it happens, he doesn't seem like he's doing anything inappropriate like getting in their faces or approaching much older kids etc. Sometimes he doesn't seem to notice but sometimes it upsets him - the other day he asked if he could play and a boy shouted no in his face and told him to stop talking to him! Usually I just try to steer him away (sometimes I've made a comment about the kid not being kind, when the rage has gotten to me), but I don't know if I'm handling it right. Should I back off, is this just part of growing up? Should I be discouraging him from approaching kids he doesn't know?! Should I only go to the park with friends so he's not put in this position? Am I making a big deal over something that happens to all kids?? I don't know how to handle this!

My experience was that were kids who were happy to play with anyone and quite outgoing in approaching other children/ receptive to approaches. And then there are kids who just want to do their own thing and don't particularly feel comfortable or happy being approached- some kids don't get the message and keep asking/following which can be a challenge.

I guess you and your child have to not take it personally, and help him learn social queues and respect others boundaries. The shouty kid was rude tbh, but unfortunately you will get that

My young daughter is just like your son, and I’ve been thinking how to manage this too!

Like yourself, I was thinking of arranging play dates to the park. We also have a big park near us that gets quite busy. She usually finds a playmate there.

I do think it’s part of growing up to interpret the social cues, and hopefully she’ll get there without too many knocks. I do sometimes worry about her naivety - but she’s only 3, and I also love that she feels the world is her oyster.

It's the parents of the children that are not wanting to play with him that's the problem, nothing else.
Perfect example is if my near 4 year old dared shout no in a little boys face when he asked him to play I'd be walking him out the park home!
I have always taught mine to be kind and let others join in (of course there will be exceptions throughout life).
I always hover around mine playing and have always told my son that's not nice or no we don't say that and encourage him to play etc etc, and I'd apologise to the mum as well if I heard him be nasty like that!

Just continue teaching your child to be kind and accept others and that's all you can do. Mine has an older sister as well so when we go to parks on our own they mainly play together luckily.

@CoffeePlease89 I'm not there yet, as my child is only 2, but I'm not going to raise him to think that he has to play with every kid that asks or he'll get punished.

There's a big difference between being kind and playing with with others when you don't want to.

Guess I'll get one of your problem mums.

Not every child wants to play with other random children. Some might, others won't. Some are happy doing their own thing, some are engaged in games with siblings and friends. Of course no one should be rude, but very little kids sometimes struggle to articulate things.

Just tell your son that it's nice to ask, but not everyone wants to play and sometimes they will say no and that's fine, it's not a big deal. Arranging play dates with friends who he can play with is never a bad idea too, but it's part of being a human to deal with social cues and a wide range of people - and respecting other people's feelings too - so while it's horrible to watch, it is an important part of growing up I think.

My dad is like yours. At six, now she's starting to approach with less enthusiasm and though that's sad it's a necessary self protection that she's learned. I told her that not everyone was going to be friendly or want to be friends and that that wasn't her fault. I also said people like space so not to hug or hold onto them. It is hard when you can see them getting their feelings hurt, though often worse for us being unable to help! Can recall her taking pokemon cards to her sports club and showing an older girl who said, 'so? No-one cares!' In a queue behind her I may have passive aggressively said something in a stage whisper to dd about how older children should know not to be rude and unfriendy..But, yes... she seems to be improving how she manages her interactions although as I said, the lowering of expectations is sad to see.

My DD was like yours too, always asking to play from about the age of 3 onwards. She's 6 now and I would say less keen - she has her little group of friends in school and is always keen approach anyone she knows if we happen to see them in the park etc, but I've noticed she's less likely to approach random children now.

My DS has just turned 3 and is the opposite, I can very much imagine him shouting NO at a child! He's shy/anxious and doesn't like new people, so it's not always a case of being rude. I'm teaching him to say "no thank you" when for example, a friend's child asks to hold his hand, as I don't want him to upset anyone else but at the same time no child is under any obligation to play or have contact with anyone they don't want to!

It's definitely something all kids go through though, so I would back off and just explain to your DS that some children like to play alone/with a sibling/with the friend they have brought with them, etc.

@ReadtheReviews that story about the Pokemon cards very familiar! It makes me sad too when similar happens to my DD, but I do think it's just kids being kids.

This happens to my 2 year old too. He is too sweet for his own good! He is constantly trying to make friends and some literally shout in his face. Once one of them pushed him over, he got back up and tried to give him his tractor - my heart couldn’t take it. The parent didn’t do much about it and as a FTM I had no idea what the proper etiquette was so I ended up standing behind my son the entire time that kid was near!

Some kids want to play with others and some don't. My 4yo sounds a lot like your 4yo, but they're getting much better at working out which children are their kind of people - outgoing, inclusive, happy to play and run about with anyone - and ignoring the rest. Just be there for your DS, help him to accept the inevitable rejections and reassure him that it's nothing wrong with him but some kids just won't want to play with him and that's fine. And be his playmate if there's no one else around to play with him.

View it as useful social experience for him. There are plenty of children out there who want to make new friends and have fun like your DS - he's just learning slowly (and sometimes painfully) to identify his 'tribe' but it's all good experience which will stand him in good stead for school and later life, even if it's tough to watch.

I wouldn't discourage him from approaching other children - it's great that he has the confidence to do this - but I would gently help him to learn to 'read the room' if actually the other children are pushing him away and he's persisting.