Inappropriate relative

[user1465146157]

I've posted on here before about a relative by marriage who I feel uneasy about around my kids. He's very touchy feely and I don't like it.

My 5 yo dd likes him as he always makes a fuss of her, big hugs, picks her up etc - I find it too much and unnecessary. His wife has dropped hints about her staying with them which is absolutely not happening but I can see a pattern forming whereby they make themselves seem really fun and I'm the bad guy by saying no. I also KNOW he knows I don't like it, and instead of being respectful he continues with the picking up, close long hugs and unnecessary hand holding.

Can anyone advise on how to deal with this - I have no proof anything is wrong just a feeling, I will never leave them alone together but I see I have to educate my dd to be aware. She is very trusting and it's a balance between not losing that in every area of life but in this situation being aware of what's okay / not okay.

We don't see them much thankfully but it's always an issue for me when we do.

My first instinct is that you're overreacting but possibly you haven't given the full story. What specifically makes you think he's a paedophile? How does he know you don't like it, did you tell him to stop, then he carried on?

I would actually say trust your instincts on this. No way is your dd staying over.

Be polite, say thanks so much for offering, just don’t make plans and don’t discuss babysitting needs near them. If they offer and your cornered, say you already booked the sitter. Be non-committal.

When dd is much much older, if it’s still happening, say something. For now, just avoid them or make sure you’re always with dd.

If your instincts are wrong, and he's fine, you'll feel silly and, depending on how covert you are with your insistence your child doesn't stay, risk burning bridges or making serious allegations.

If your instincts are right and you ignore them, your child may be assaulted and getting evidence would be exceptionally difficult.

I'd rather feel silly in that case. I don't know you. I don't know whether you're dramatic or level headed. Given that refusing to let her stay doesn't require any legal action, I'd push with it. What does father say? I'd hope that if he respects you, he'll understand that you're really concerned and respect your request.

Read the gift of fear OP it will be really helpful in dealing with this.

Pantosaurus is good for that age. But can you say a bit more to help advise? How do you know he knows? What does your partner think? What kind of relative are they?

Is this the one who likes to put her shoes on ? That raised a lot of red flags for me ( I deal with grooming and CSA in my job).
If your instincts are telling you something, then listen to them, and say no, she can only be cared for by her parents.
You could teach your daughter about bodily consent, pants rule and being able to say no to tickling etc.
(creepy uncle putting a child’s shoes on to me says normalising touching, stroking and looking up her skirt) I know I sound paranoid, but the amount of CSA I deal with has made me realise the huge scale of this.

NSPCC pants for your daughter. Absolutely would not leave child with anyone I didn't trust. I would also be unhappy that they are pushing boundaries. Can you limit contact?

You cannot take any risks at all.
Even if he’s not dodgy, it doesn’t matter. I’d try to go non contact as much as I possibly could. Could you send this post to professionals like the NSPCC and see what advice they could give you?
I have ZERO sympathy with posters who are asking what ‘proof’ you have? Rubbish. If you’ve got a bad feeling, go with it.
Many of my family/extended family are in child care, child protection, social work, education and the police.
Take no risks. Get advice.

Trust your gut. Doesn't mean he is one but if your guts saying your not comfortable then go with it. Always trust your instincts, they are there for a reason.

It's a bit weird that he knows you're not happy with this, but keeps doing it. That's a big red flag in my book

I would also teach your child that there are absolutely NO SECRETS in your family. No adult should ever play secret games with a child or ask a child for help. If an adult needs help with anything, they need to ask another adult. (This was taught to me by a policewoman who worked in child sex crimes.) If your kid is taught to parrot back “We don’t have secrets in our family, I’ll tell Mum and Dad no matter what it is.” That will deter most dodgy fuckers right from the start.

For gods sake please trust your instincts. If someone makes you uncomfortable there is a reason. Tell I’m and his wife clearly next time - don’t do that, I do not like it. You’re not the bad guy, you are dds mother and can say what you like about your kid. All this crap about upsetting people….you are safeguarding your dd?! This is vital and important, who cares what they think?! Anyone pushing your boundaries against your wishes is not behaving Appropriately and you have to ask yourself why they would that. It’s not ok.

….And this!!!

Be direct about it. Say that you don't think all that affection is necessary and if his reaction is anything other than oh sorry don't ever see him again. Simple as that. And if you can't be direct with him don't see him again.