I think I love DD more than DS

[EmbarrassedByThisOne]

yes I am a regular poster and yes I have changed my name

I have a 4 year old DS and a baby DD

I keep having these strange thoughts about how much more I love DD. Of course I love DS lots but he can be difficult due to his age. DD just gurgles and smiles and smells like a baby.

I did always want a girl, but was actually disappointed when I found out 2nd pregnancy was a girl because after having a boy first and thinking he was great I wanted another one.

I do get to dress DD like a doll.

I have been playing Sophie's choice in my brain and thinking couldn't have been that difficult.

I have not acted on these feelings at all, I am almost sure of this (but of course have doubts especially mid whinging episode). DS gets lots and lots of cuddles and attention. But with DD the bond just feels so much stronger.

Please tell me this is biological and because DD is a breast-feeding baby and DS is a more vocal 4 year old.

Or am I just a bitch (which is how I'm starting to feel)

Am not speaking from any experience but it sounds like its just the novelty of having 'the other one' - ie if you have a boy you miss out on the girly stuff which you're now getting, and of course the new bond you have with a baby. How can a boisterous boy compare to a sweet little baby?? Obviously try not to leave ds out, it sounds like you're giving him lots of attention, but enjoy the time with your dd, am sure those feelings will level out as she grows older. You're supposed to feel smitten with a new baby so you look after it and the hormones will be to blame a lot too!!!

You don't sound like a bitch - just a normal mother with a new baby.

I have two girls and was over the moon when I heard I had a second girl. I felt more in control and had a better birth experience. She was an easier baby - slept, more content, even more cuddly than her big sister. I was amazed at how besotted I was with my second as it took me weeks to adjust to DD1 and didn?t love her properly and fully for several weeks. Thought I did at the time, but now being honest about it most of my emotions were negative ones - scared, nervous, frustrated, feeling ot of control not knowing how to deal with her crying etc. etc. minor pnd didn?t help. DD2 has been nothing but pure joy and happiness (honestly) from day one.
As a consequence, after a couple of months I had the same concerns as you - did I love them equally? How could I love them so very differently, even as both girls? and was it equal? I also worried that my love for DD1 had changed dramatically after DD2 arrived. I never discussed this with anyone as felt very ashamed and confused by these feelings (DD1 was 2 and a half when DD2 arrived).
Now DD2 is 1 and I have had longer to reflect and consider my feelings. I do love them both very differently, partly because of their age and partly because they are so very different. i do not believe that my emotions are stronger for one than the other but that I am responding to their individual needs - and a new baby needed even more of my time than DD1 but now that is settling to a more even demand I have "rediscovered" the strength of feelings for DD1. I don?t think I ever showed any change and would be devastated if she felt I had changed. I also belive that to quantify the amount of love in order to "check" that it was fairly and evenly distributed is crazy. Sometimes one needs a little bit more and then the other - there is always plenty in reserve to go around and then some.
I can?t comment on the boy/girl side of this but can say that I bet what you are going through is far more common than we know about just that loving your children differently and worrying about how to deal with it/come to terms with it, whether it will change etc. is still rather a taboo topic in the world of parenting.
My advice is limited but in shoes I would try to spend time with both of your children on their own every week doing something you both can enjoy and share and also make a point of playing with them together to encourage the "family bonding" where big brother sees his job as important to look after his little sister etc. and see that you care for both of them. Lots of hugs, cuddles for both of them and give yourself time to adjust to being a mum of two rather than one. It is a bigger emotional issue than it is made out to be IMO and about time more people came clean with this type of concern.

I think what you are feeling is probably normal. I don't think it's that you actually love one more than the other, but more, like you say, you find yourself only smiling and feeling all warm about the baby but get cross with the older child. It's just because the older child will test your patience, as you say, is more vocal and the baby is just lovely and cuddly and can't really irritate you that much yet!!!

Just wait till dd is toddling about, talking and being a right rascal!

I'm sure you find yourself overwhelmed with love over ds at the times he is being good and cute - it's just that there will also be times you want to scream at him!

Gosh thank you all for responding

Stripeymouse that was so eloquently put, I wonder if others do feel like this but are too ashamed to say?

I do think I am doing one thing right and that is involving DS, he has such a bond with his sister and absolutely adores her.

Quite right Gobbledigook...my "baby" dd is now an absolute fiend at 15 months, stealing things from people's plates, eating their Christmas shopping lists and throwing toast crusts at her brother. She also has to be wrestled into her cute pink wardrobe screeching like a banshee. And she bit her dad hard on the thumb yesterday.
These completely normal feelings of being in love with an adorable baby do gradually adjust themselves, I promise. I could have written your post this time last year, EBTO.
I spent an amazingly entertaining day yesterday with ds, lunching together at Wagamama and covering every inch of the Tower of London. Dd stayed at home with dad (and bit him, but also danced, watched a Paul McCartney video with him, shook curls and flirted with him appallingly). It reminded me that, dirty-nailed and lanky though ds is, frankly at five he is masses better company than dd when he is on form.
Like Stripymouse, I'd really recommend getting out and about with your ds on your own.
I sympathise utterly. I wanted two ds' as well, cried when I heard dd was a girl, and then promptly fell head over heels with her. What you are feeling is normal.

Don't worry about it. Like everyone else, I would just stress the importance of spending some time with DS alone doing stuff he likes and gets enthused by, which will enthuse you.

And yes, you just wait until she's 2 and starts spitting at people!

sorry but your DD sounds really cute .. I love that mischevious stage and am actually looking forward to it

I am feeling so much better than first thing this morning when it hit me like a 'you are the worst mother in the world for being able to think like that'

I know what you mean...

I find that I prefer dd's (nearly 3) company to ds (15 months) but then ds is just like dd was at his age. I feel that I prefer toddlers to babies and look forward to ds being a walking talking toddler rather than a crying baby; my enjoyment of dd has just increased and increased since she got older. I too have tremendous guilt over this one but I love them the same, I just personally find the baby bit so much harder (and I know plently of others are the exact opposite).

BTW, I found ds far easier to handle after about 7 months when his bf dropped off dramatically and so I was less tied to thinking of the next feed and able to bung him a cup of water.

I don't know if it helps, but as DD started to get older (say about a year) I realised how quickly the time had passed, and I began to really value the lifestage both my children were at, and to really make time to enjoy both of them. I try to make time for each of them together and separately so that at least a few times a week, I can remember what it is that is so good about them! (However, it is always much more difficult to make time for the older one as younger one wants to barge in!)

EBTO, my affections swing wildly between my two, depending on which one is being drop-dead lovely and which one is driving me gibbering up the wall. Honestly.

Marina, I'm not surprised she screams if you keep putting her in the wardrobe.

EBTO, I have 4 (youngest 11) and there is always one I love the most. It's a different one each day though!

I also have a DS (nearly 3) and DD (6 months).

When I had DS, I was so shell shocked by the birth experience and day to day dealing with a newborn that for months I never had that "in love with my baby" feeling - I was just getting from one day to the next.

The second time round, I knew I was having a girl, which i really was happy about, and also knew what to expect, in every sense of the word. I thought it was going to be awful coping with a baby and a toddler. But it has been fine, and DS is wonderful with her.

I also have feelings of frustration with him, and am more patient when she cries than I was with him at the same age. I think this is partly because she is still just a baby, and partly because as soon as she came along, DS was no longer my baby and was forced (poor thing) into the role of the eldest.

It's natural to feel differently for your children, and a very worthwhile and articulate expression of the reasosn for this can be found in Oliver James' excellent book, "They F*ck You up". The book is all about how personality emerges in the first 6 years of life, but he makes the point that while most parents insist they treat all their children identically, in fact this would be impossible. He says this is because we are very different people at the time each child arrives, so of course we behave differently towards them. When a first baby comes, the shift in your relationship with dh is huge, and that affects how you feel towards the baby and so on. When the second arrives, you are probably better prepared, more relaxed, and so on. This is perhaps why first babies (myself included!) often end up quite neurotic perfectionists, and second babies are often a lot more laid-back as adults.

He develops this point in a far more articulate way, so I'd recommend the book.

The book sounds really interesting lulupop, think I will order that.

Cheeky Janh . The thing I really hate is TIGHTS. Like getting an octopus into a shopping bag...and she splays her toes out to 180 degrees as well!
Lulupop, that sounds like an interesting book, I will look into it. Dh and I are both first-borns so poor old ds is getting a double whammy on the neurotic perfectionism front.
Hope all this is reassuring you, EBTO. As others have said, focussing on how much both these little people love each other also helps.

I suspect this is a hormonal thing. When I had ds, my dd was 2.5 and for quite a while I couldn't bear to have dd near me, especially when breastfeeding ds. It was almost an animal thing. Very odd and I felt terrible about it, but it did pass.

marina - v. funny post!! Your dd sounds hilarious!

EBTO - hope you are feeling better now - see, you are normal!

Do you know I wasn't going to do this but I've decided, mainly thanks to all these posts, that what I have been feeling is so normal and so hidden that it is silly to be ashamed of it

I am normal .. it was me

Ahhh, Twig!! Have a big hug:

{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}

Course you're normal!!

Good for you Twiglett. I've come to the conclusion that my children (aged 5, 3 and 1) get together about once a month and decide who's going to be the naughty, prickly, stroppy one for the coming month - there's always one that you're pulling your hair out over. What you're feeling is totally normal IMO.

I read a book recently (before offspring no 2 arrived) called Three shoes, one sock which basically documents the experiences of mums moving from one child to two, and tries to prepare you for what to expect. In this book the author explains that it is normal and commonplace to feel all loved up / favour the new baby, but reassures the reader that these feelings adjust back to normal in time..... At the time I read this I thought that it was absolute heresy to suggest that I could ever conceive of favouring offspring no 2 more than precious first born....but I've lived and learnt now!

aah - Twiglett - I reckon this thread has probably been therepeutic (sp?) for a lot of us, nice to know (yet again) that there are other mums out there who go through the same set of emotions. I am going to order that book off Amazon as it sounds really interesting. Have often heard the theory about first borns being more neurotic (I was one too) and second more laid back etc. but never read anything about it in any detail.

Also heard that if you had two siblings of the same sex often the second sibling adopted some of the characteristics of the opposite sex to "fulfil" a role that they perceive as their parents wanting - particularly second girls are meant to be more likely candidates to become tom boys.Wrong way around for me though as DD1 is the tom boy and DFD2 loves cuddly toys etc. All could change though as they are still young. DD2 is def. more relaxed laid back baby. Not sure I like the idea that as a parent our negative behavioiur could have affected DD1 and made her more temperamental and less emotionally stable as her sister - seems rather unfair for her and another thing to feel guilty about!

Oh Twiglett, glad this thread has helped a little. It's made me think too.

Twiglett this is completely normal. This last week I have been unable to go to any of our normal activities due to chicken pox and have felt like strangling dd, wheras I just felt sorry for ds. (even though he was completely pus covered and impossible to even kiss). I'm sure it is just because little babies are just completely cute and lovable , and rampaging toddlers often aren't.

Oh twiglett, I only have one child at the moment but if I am perfectly honest, when she was very small I did have moments where I preferred the dog and wished we had just got another puppy

I think you sound entirely normal!