Grandad with dementia

[Mazzatron]

My father-in-law is v sadly in the moderate stage of dementia. They don't live locally, we see them every 6 weeks or so and in between talk on FaceTime.

Our 3 year old used to love FaceTime with grandma and grandad but recently has been reluctant, as he now says 'grandad is scary' and he doesn't like his voice. It's really difficult because as his grandad loses his ability to communicate well he has started making faces and unusual noises instead of talking and although it's awful to say, I can see where my son is coming from (being as he's only 3 and doesn't understand or know about dementia).

I've tried to tell my son grandad is much older and speaks a little differently but he loves us all very much and we love him etc. He's not having it and it's becoming pretty awkward as he's refusing FaceTime at the moment, which upsets his grandma as she doesn't know why (we think she'd be upset too if we told her).

Has anyone got any ideas how we can deal with this a bit better, how to explain it to my son and try to improve the situation? Does anyone know of any books or resources that could help?

Thanks all x

I think you're going to have to bite the bullet and tell Grandma why your LO is being odd. Maybe arrange a FaceTime for you all and Grandma alone? Is there anyone to look after Grandad? She could probably use some support.

You could explain to an older child but it's harder with a younger one...

You could just say that Grandad's memory is going and he can't remember the words for things, and this makes him use funny words sometimes, but he's the same grandad and he loves you all. Very tricky.

Thank you. That's a good explanation, I'll try that. I'll speak with my other half about telling his Mum. She's very sensitive and no she doesn't really have any proper support. She's got two adult daughters living close by and they offer emotional support but she's very... can't think of the word but she wants to do it all herself, we've all tried loads to get her to accept some help. It's very hard and lonely for her and I know it's common but it's a heartbreaking thing to watch happen in a family.

Yes, it is, and it's also very common for one partner to want to look after the other. Just watch out that your MIL doesn't exhaust herself.

You could contact Age UK or Dementia UK for advice on how to talk to your dc about this.

I know some families have better luck with recorded videos rather than FaceTiming. It takes away the pressure on the child to sit and chat, videos can be pre recorded of child singing a song or saying I love you etc...These can then be exchanged back & forward between parties. Could that work for you?