Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Grandparent expectations

26 replies

Lisalala91 · 10/04/2022 14:31

Hello all,

I moved up from France to live with my Scottish partner about 8 years ago and we have two lovely children now with another one on the way. My parents live far away and our relationships is quite strained. There's no spontaneous visits and whenever there is a visit everything is very forced and nothing seems to be coming from a loving place. My FIL offered to look after our two boys every Monday which is a massive help and helps us out with massive nursery fees as well. The kids love they Poppa day and come home very happy every Monday.

My in-laws have two more daughters who are slightly younger and apart from those Mondays they don't have much to do with our children. Despite numerous invites and conversations in group chats as an example and invite to to for a picnic was met with "oh I really have to get my glass bottles cleaned and to the glass bin), they don't initiate any contact or ask about the kids during the week. Whenever the boys ask for a sleepover, it gets ignored. My heart breaks when I see friends who have parents who take their grandchildren out for trips, have them for sleepovers and just have amazing connections with them. I'm so sad that our children don't have any close relationships with their grandparents and I can't seem to shake the feeling that it might have to do something with me and my partner.

Is anyone else in the same position? Whenever we approach the subject they just say that they're busy and everything is fine (but when they don't respond to plans with us we hear later via my husband's sister that she stopped by and they all went to the pub...)

I know I shouldn't expect anything and they didn't ask to be grandparents but I find it very tricky to adjust my expectations at the moment...

Thank for reading

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

TeethingBabyHelp · 10/04/2022 14:35

Sorry if I've misunderstood but I think having them one day every week is pretty involved to be honest?? Do they not do nice trips and activities with them on the Monday?

FairyCakeWings · 10/04/2022 14:37

Once a week is plenty enough for yo ur children to build a good relationship with their grandparents, especially if it's quality time when they're in their own together.

Do you expect them to give up every day of the week to their various grandchildren?

HermioneWeasley · 10/04/2022 14:39

They have your kids one day a week - how is that not a close relationship?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 10/04/2022 14:42

Yea I am also confused, my pil aren’t involved- we’ve not seen them in 2.5 years.

Rainallnight · 10/04/2022 14:54

I don’t understand where you’re coming from if they have your children one day a week. That’s absolutely loads. Maybe they feel the need to spread their time and attention around other things and people for the rest of the week.

Holly60 · 10/04/2022 14:55

OP I think I get it. You appreciate the one day a week but it feels very boxed away. You are missing the spontaneous get-togethers- the off-the-cuff bbqs, picnics, park trips and sleep-overs that other grandparents do. Add in the odd occasion so you guys can head out for the evening or get your hair done etc.

I think you maybe have to accept that they DO want to be involved and love your boys, but they are giving what they feel they can at the moment. Perhaps they are just very rigid, and have set times when they like to get different things done.

Your boys will still have a nice relationship with them from one day a week so they won’t miss out.

It’s definitely not you, and it’s hard to want something for your children but not be able to make it happen.

Holly60 · 10/04/2022 14:56

It also sounds a bit like maybe it’s you and your DH who want the relationship with them? You’d like to spend time with them as a family rather than it just being them and your DC?

Holly60 · 10/04/2022 14:57

If that is the case you could always try explaining that to them?

viques · 10/04/2022 15:02

Your parents in law are enjoying their life, they have brought up their own children and clearly do not see it as their responsibility to bring up yours or provide entertainment for them and respite for you, apart of course for the day of the week when they have your kids, save you pounds in childcare and build up their relationship with their grandchildren on their own terms.

You could always move closer to your own parents if you think you will get a better grandparenting deal out of them.

Rosser · 10/04/2022 15:08

Your FIL has them one day a week and you’re moaning they don’t take them on days out or have them for sleepovers?! FFS.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

GrazingSheep · 10/04/2022 15:23

I think your in-laws are doing plenty- having your children one day per week and providing financial help with nursery fees.

Easterisoffeggstooexpensive · 10/04/2022 15:26

My ils saw my dc(4) Monday and Thursday 3.30 til 5 with me there.. Maybe a biscuit. Possibly a drink. Never any other visits or interaction.
Very sad but their loss.
As adults only 1 dc sees them now. He rings them. Afaik they have never rang him.

GeneLovesJezebel · 10/04/2022 15:27

So they look after your two children, and no doubt will look after the next one. Perhaps they hoped they see the two to school and then get their Monday back, but now there’s another on the way so the next 5 years of Mondays are gone too.

FelicityPike · 10/04/2022 15:28

“Comparison is the thief of joy”

So very true.

piglet81 · 10/04/2022 15:29

You get a whole day of free childcare for two children EVERY week and you’re complaining?!

BarnDance · 10/04/2022 15:32

I'm baffled by this. They have your dc every single week but you want them to ask about them and you are heart broken when they aren't asked for sleepovers? They are involved. They don't have to stop their own lives because you have children.

TreatTrimTame · 10/04/2022 15:59

That's quite a lot of contact, a whole day a week with grandad. My DC see PIL for lunch for around 5 hours every Sunday and have a fantastic bond with them. My parents choose not to be involved as they are heavily involved in hobbies and friends and only see us if I arrange something or feed them or pay for the meal (despite living less than 10 miles away and being wealthy and retired). So I would say your PIL are doing a lot.

TreatTrimTame · 10/04/2022 16:01

I'm so sad that our children don't have any close relationships with their grandparents

Why are you letting your children spend a whole day a week with people you feel they dont have a close relationship with?

Ratatoo · 10/04/2022 17:30

One day a week is close?

cloudylemonade13 · 10/04/2022 17:46

@GrazingSheep

I think your in-laws are doing plenty- having your children one day per week and providing financial help with nursery fees.

Agree with this. And looking after young kids is also very physically exhausting when you're older which you don't seem to be taking into consideration. It's likely they are quite happy to look after them that one day and relax until the next week.

Alwayscheerful · 10/04/2022 19:13

If FIL looks after the children Mondays, where is MIL?

cptartapp · 10/04/2022 19:29

Crickey, no one had our DC for sleepovers. Certainly no free regular childcare or help with nursery fees. You are massively way off the mark here. They already commit themselves significantly.
Believe it or not, not all GP would find spending lots of company with small children their idea of fun in their latter years. Family or not.

Original poster

Lisalala91 · 10/04/2022 19:48

Thanks for all your messages and it's great to get a different perspective on this. I do feel like I have different expectations (probably because of close I was to my own grandparents) and I really didn't want to come across as being ungrateful - they are having a massive commitment by looking after our two boys one day a week.
PILs are both young and in great health although I do appreciate that running after two toddler is absolutely exhausting! FIL is 52 and currently on a phased retirement so he can look after them once a week. MIL still works FT (50yo) and doesn't really see them on Mondays. On Mondays they go to their house and help FIL in the garden and they walk the dogs - nice and relaxed and the children love it.
I think a few of you have explained it really well that's it's probably more us as a family wanting to have a stronger relationship with them as a whole family but feeling quite rejected at times which is ofcourse understandable as well with other commitments etc. It's exactly the spontaneous trips out and perhaps being asked over for a meal or a cup of tea (which we quite often do) that I was missing (again - because I was used to that growing up) but I agree with most of you when you say they definitely are doing a lot for the children and building a great relationship with them.

Comparison is the thief of joy - I'm going to remember that one!!

OP posts:

Alwayscheerful · 10/04/2022 23:28

They are relatively young Grandparents, and perhaps starting to feel tired of working full time.
MIL might not feel up to working full time and may need the weekend to catch up on jobs at home and unwind.
Sometimes parents need a gap between their own children becoming independent and the arrival of Grandchildren.
Do their daughters have children or do they socialising as adults at the weekends?
I wonder if FIL will continue with Mondays when your baby arrives? Will he even cope with 3? It's great that he has the children on Mondays and lovely the children enjoy their time with him.

JenniferBarkley · 11/04/2022 03:47

If they're still working full-time, or close to full-time plus a day with your DC, they may simply want a more relaxing time on their weekends than is typically provided by two nursery aged children. An impromptu trip to the pub with an adult child is very different to spending an afternoon with pre schoolers. You might find things naturally improve as your DC get older and a bit easier.

Flip

1 2