Feel so lonely and anxious all the time

[Imsodone99]

Hi, this will probably be a long one so please bare with me. I've got a 18 month old little boy who I absolutely adore but im struggling so much with my mental health and it’s affecting how I look after him. (a bit of back story) I've suffered with anxiety/depression since secondary school, I'm now early 20s from around about 17-20 i seemed to be feeling a lot more like myself and everyone seen a change in me, then when lockdown happened I found out I was pregnant and struggled quite a bit with my anxiety (like a lot of people did around that time) my pregnancy was lonely due to having to isolate from everyone and I was stuck in my room 24/7 as my partner was working in the living room. After I had my little boy I struggled with PND, after a few months I found fluoxetine was really helping me. Then in the beginning of 2021 I lost my best friend very suddenly, she left behind her little boy who is a few months older than mine. We were best friends since we were in primary school, practically like sisters, constantly together and causing trouble when we were younger

this obviously triggered my anxiety extremely bad and it caused a new anxiety I've never felt before, I'm now so so scared of getting unwell, of dying, of leaving my partner and little boy behind and I'm still petrified of covid (I've convinced myself that's what is going to kill me if I catch it) my anxiety is causing physical symptoms as well, such as feeling too nauseous to eat, stomach pains, feeling breathless, headaches & dizziness, I’m finding it hard to control these symptoms so I can play games with my little boy or take him out. My partner has just left his old job for a new one which means he’ll be gone longer hours (working 12 hour shifts plus travel time, day and nights) so I feel like I’m now just completely alone. All my little boy does is cry, throw tantrums, hit/bite me and I feel like it’s because he hates me. I’ve contacted the health visitor who said it’s all normal and it’s because he doesn’t talk much so he’s getting frustrated with himself but I really don’t think that’s the case. Nursery prices where we live are horrendously expensive so that isn’t even an option, I’ve looked at childminders even just for once a week but again it’s something we cannot afford. I really feel like I have no place to turn & I almost feel like it would be easier if I wasn’t here

Hi Op

I think there is a lot to unpick in your post. And I am not an expert, these are just my opinions.

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend, that is awful. When you lose a good friend, it's so hard, no one else has the memories you had together. I really feel for you. Have you considered counselling to help you process?

Parenting toddlers is hard, they are a handful. You don't say in your post if you go to any groups with him?

Do you have any family around you for support?

Have you checked in with your GP about how you are feeling?

Sorry for all the questions.

@Greatdomestic

Hi Op

I think there is a lot to unpick in your post. And I am not an expert, these are just my opinions.

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend, that is awful. When you lose a good friend, it's so hard, no one else has the memories you had together. I really feel for you. Have you considered counselling to help you process?

Parenting toddlers is hard, they are a handful. You don't say in your post if you go to any groups with him?

Do you have any family around you for support?

Have you checked in with your GP about how you are feeling?

Sorry for all the questions.

Hey, thank you for answering!

I've had bereavement counselling which I felt helped slightly at the time but once it ended I was back to square one, I'm on the waiting list for some more bereavement counselling and CBT but I've been on the list since before December as it's so long.

I've spoken to the GP a lot but they haven't been much help, they said they can't fast track me for counselling and if I need it so bad then pay privately which I obviously don't have the money for. I've been on a few different antidepressants which I haven't gotten along with, the only one that seems to slightly work and not give me horrendous side effects is fluoxetine which I'm still on but it only does so much.

I don't have many family around me, I have my grandparents but one of them is very sick right now so I can't ask them for help and the rest of my family like my parents I don't get along with because they're alcoholics and I don't want my son growing up seeing what I saw. Apart from that I have my partner who like I say is starting a new job so I feel like I don't even have him anymore

@Greatdomestic sorry forgot to add that I have been to a few parent/toddler groups when he was younger but we had to move last summer as we were only in a small 1 bedroom flat and now we're far away from a lot of things. The closest parent/toddler group to us closed down not too long ago, not entirely sure why. Our health visitors around here send nursery nurses out now and again to check up on babies and they usually inform me when a new class pops up but I haven't heard anything in a while.

Hi op, I’m so sorry to hear that it sounds really hard. There are some free online and text based counselling services that might help while you wait for cbt. This is one: giveusashout.org/

It sounds like loneliness is as much of a problem as anxiety so even though I know you won’t feel like it (I’ve been there) it might help to get out and about a bit with your little boy. I have to go sort lunch for my dc just now but I’ll write back with some ideas that helped me in a bit.

No worries, you are welcome.

You probably do this anyway, but try to get out in the fresh air with your ds every day, get him to the park if you have one locally, or even just a walk in the buggy.

I'm assuming that you are a sahp. Would you consider any pt work, not for the £ but for the social interaction, maybe even a day or so a week? I appreciate that the cost of childcare is high, but this might give both you and your son some different interaction?

Have you tried the local groups on here? You may find a few mums of toddlers in the same boat as you. I really feel for mums having had children during the pandemic, that opportunity to connect with others in real life has really been impacted.

@NottheSAHP

Hi op, I’m so sorry to hear that it sounds really hard. There are some free online and text based counselling services that might help while you wait for cbt. This is one: giveusashout.org/

It sounds like loneliness is as much of a problem as anxiety so even though I know you won’t feel like it (I’ve been there) it might help to get out and about a bit with your little boy. I have to go sort lunch for my dc just now but I’ll write back with some ideas that helped me in a bit.

Thank you so much for your help! I didn't even know there was websites like that I could go on. I try to go out as much as possible with my little boy as I know it makes him tired too and he sleeps better after being out, we live near a lot of fields so I usually just walk over there, take a football or a few toys and spend a few hours just running around with him but at the minute the weather is so bad so we haven't been able to get out as much

Hi op, here are a few ideas based on what helped me:

About the toddler groups, I recently moved too and I really missed the familiar groups. I found a free one run by a local church. The health visitors don’t always know about those and you can find out by looking at church websites and things. This one is really low key- lots of toys and activities in a big room and kind volunteers who will make you a coffee and have a bit of a chat - so it feels easy to do. I don’t know how you feel about religion but I tend to find that the kind of volunteers who run church baby groups would not be put off if you said ‘yeah I’m pretty new to the area. We moved right after I lost my best friend and it’s been hard settling in’ for example.

I don’t know who has guardianship of your friends’ little boy, but I wonder if it would feel nice to arrange some play dates for the two boys if he is still in the area? It might feel nice to encourage a little friendship between them? Maybe something like a playground or soft play where you could really throw yourself into running around with the kids? I found that throwing myself into something very active with the kids really helped my mood because I had clearly had exercise, meaningful play with my dc, and no time to think or worry while I was diving around! Also then the dc were well exercised and less grumpy…

About the grumpy toddler, are there times where he is calm/pleasant or is it a reaction to instructions or does it seem to be all the time? I had some high needs toddlers and they all seemed to start the terrible twos at about 18 months! You have my sympathy.

Are there any mutual friends who are also grieving since your friend passed away? It might be that you could support each other a bit? I found it tricky keeping up with friendships with a baby at home when DH worked late shifts. You could do something like a movie night or games night at your place after your son’s bedtime? Not as exciting as a night out but nice for the company perhaps?

Also can you find a way to make a time every week just for you and your dp to do something together the two of you? After your son’s bedtime/while he naps? And another time where your dp does the childcare solo for at least a couple of hours so you can have the time to yourself? That might help you feel like you’re not in it alone. I know it’s not easy when he’s on shifts so maybe it’s once per shift rotation rather than once a week, or alternate time together and time separately?

If you are worried about covid I guess some of that might feel impossible, but you can pick outdoor versions of most things which is way less risky. Do you have your own garden?

I hope you’re feeling a bit better this afternoon.

@Greatdomestic

No worries, you are welcome.

You probably do this anyway, but try to get out in the fresh air with your ds every day, get him to the park if you have one locally, or even just a walk in the buggy.

I'm assuming that you are a sahp. Would you consider any pt work, not for the £ but for the social interaction, maybe even a day or so a week? I appreciate that the cost of childcare is high, but this might give both you and your son some different interaction?

Have you tried the local groups on here? You may find a few mums of toddlers in the same boat as you. I really feel for mums having had children during the pandemic, that opportunity to connect with others in real life has really been impacted.

Yeah I try to get him out as much as possible, I usually take his buggy to the fields near us and then get him out & play games with him for a few hours as he's always full of energy so it's nice for him to be able to run around freely. Working PT was my plan in hopes it would help me until my partner went for his new job, now if I worked part time we'd lose out on a lot of money (due to childcare costs etc) and we really can't afford to do that, we're already struggling a bit now so losing anymore money would put a massive strain on us. My health visitor mentioned something about free childcare when he's 2 up to a certain amount of hours a week so if that is something I can get when he's 2 then I can obviously finally start applying for jobs then and work around his nursery hours x

Sorry I was typing and didn’t see your reply. You’re already doing better than I used to if you’re getting out to the fields/to kick about with the football. I struggled a lot to motivate myself if it was just me and my kids. I think it’s the adult interaction you need - just being with a pre-verbal child is so lonely sometimes

@NottheSAHP

Hi op, here are a few ideas based on what helped me:

About the toddler groups, I recently moved too and I really missed the familiar groups. I found a free one run by a local church. The health visitors don’t always know about those and you can find out by looking at church websites and things. This one is really low key- lots of toys and activities in a big room and kind volunteers who will make you a coffee and have a bit of a chat - so it feels easy to do. I don’t know how you feel about religion but I tend to find that the kind of volunteers who run church baby groups would not be put off if you said ‘yeah I’m pretty new to the area. We moved right after I lost my best friend and it’s been hard settling in’ for example.

I don’t know who has guardianship of your friends’ little boy, but I wonder if it would feel nice to arrange some play dates for the two boys if he is still in the area? It might feel nice to encourage a little friendship between them? Maybe something like a playground or soft play where you could really throw yourself into running around with the kids? I found that throwing myself into something very active with the kids really helped my mood because I had clearly had exercise, meaningful play with my dc, and no time to think or worry while I was diving around! Also then the dc were well exercised and less grumpy…

About the grumpy toddler, are there times where he is calm/pleasant or is it a reaction to instructions or does it seem to be all the time? I had some high needs toddlers and they all seemed to start the terrible twos at about 18 months! You have my sympathy.

Are there any mutual friends who are also grieving since your friend passed away? It might be that you could support each other a bit? I found it tricky keeping up with friendships with a baby at home when DH worked late shifts. You could do something like a movie night or games night at your place after your son’s bedtime? Not as exciting as a night out but nice for the company perhaps?

Also can you find a way to make a time every week just for you and your dp to do something together the two of you? After your son’s bedtime/while he naps? And another time where your dp does the childcare solo for at least a couple of hours so you can have the time to yourself? That might help you feel like you’re not in it alone. I know it’s not easy when he’s on shifts so maybe it’s once per shift rotation rather than once a week, or alternate time together and time separately?

If you are worried about covid I guess some of that might feel impossible, but you can pick outdoor versions of most things which is way less risky. Do you have your own garden?

I hope you’re feeling a bit better this afternoon.

Thank you for your suggestions! There is a church about 15 minutes away from me so I will have a look to see if they do anything like that, I wouldn't have thought about looking there!

His dad has guardianship of him, I have spoken to him about meeting up and getting the boys together as me and my best friend have always wanted them to grow up with each other but every time I've mentioned it he hasn't seemed too keen, I've even suggested meeting with my partner if he feels a bit uncomfortable just meeting with me but he still doesn't seem to want to. It's a shame but i was never too close with him when my best friend was alive either as he wasn't the greatest partner to her.

He's calm/pleasant sometimes but I'd say about 90% of the time he's very grumpy, even when we've been out for hours he still isn't happy for long. He can be very cuddly and love kisses etc but it's on his terms. He does throw the tantrums more if I ask him to do something but he will throw them for no reason also. Today he had a meltdown on the floor and started smashing his toys up because I gave him food that he picked out. It's things like that which really get me down, it makes me feel like I'm failing him because I don't know what he wants/why he's feeling this way.

We have mutual friends who we went to school with but we were never as close with them for it to affect their day to day life like it has with me, i message them now and again about it and have spoken to one of them about how I'm properly feeling but even she said herself she's never felt like that before so she has no idea how I'm feeling. I fully understand where she is coming from as I had never experienced grief before this, I never realised how hard and draining it could be and how much it can affect your life.

My DP is quite supportive even though he does get stressed sometimes by my anxiety (i get why) but he does try to help as much as he possibly can, even if it means him staying awake/getting up earlier so I can have a long bath by myself. Last night I had a panic attack and he ran a bath for me, took my little boy to bed and once he was asleep he came in the bathroom and washed my hair for me, then dried it when I got out. He really is incredible and If he's home he will help as much as possible but it's so hard when he's not home as much.

I have my own garden yeah, it's a nice little garden and I know he's safe in it as he has no chance of unlocking the gate and getting out. When we can afford it we're going to buy him a little swing/slide set and a few nice garden toys as he loves running in/out the house, the garden is his favourite place to go. I'm lucky because I can see him from the living room so if it's a nice day I know I can open the back door and he can run in/out by himself but I can still see exactly what he's doing while having 5 minutes to myself

Oh op, your dp sounds lovely. Getting your hair washed is such a nice relaxing thing 😊 I’m so glad you have someone on your side like that.

Sounds like you have a really nice place too with your garden and easy access to the fields nearby 😊 Are you greenfingered at all? I really enjoyed planting seeds with my kids, and having them toddle out to help me water them morning and evening was a nice little routine. Maybe a packet of sunflower seeds and plant them along a wall or fence? Or sweet peas are really easy, just don’t let your son try to eat any pods you get.

I wasn’t sure if you were saying your son was upset at food that he chose, or because you asked him to eat something he had moved off his plate? Generally offering a choice (between two equally acceptable things!) is a good strategy for giving a picky toddler a sense of control. Is he possibly teething at the moment? Does he sleep well? Has he given up napping recently? One of mine stopped at 18 months and was so so cranky, it was unbearable.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend. It’s good you’ve been able to talk to someone in real life about the full extent of your feelings. Everyone says it gets easier over time and as trite as it sounds it really does. You will always love your friend and treasure the memories but the desperate sadness will lift.

Really wishing you well. Hope you have one of those mornings tomorrow where you randomly wake up feeling like everything is brilliant.

Hi hun , I honestly could of wrote this post myself I'm exactly the same , I lost my partner 7 years ago to a drunk driver killing him and since then I've been terrified of getting poorly , going out , I stress over my health constantly it's awful , have 4 children who I look after pretty much alone. Sending you a virtual hug xxx

@NottheSAHP

Oh op, your dp sounds lovely. Getting your hair washed is such a nice relaxing thing 😊 I’m so glad you have someone on your side like that.

Sounds like you have a really nice place too with your garden and easy access to the fields nearby 😊 Are you greenfingered at all? I really enjoyed planting seeds with my kids, and having them toddle out to help me water them morning and evening was a nice little routine. Maybe a packet of sunflower seeds and plant them along a wall or fence? Or sweet peas are really easy, just don’t let your son try to eat any pods you get.

I wasn’t sure if you were saying your son was upset at food that he chose, or because you asked him to eat something he had moved off his plate? Generally offering a choice (between two equally acceptable things!) is a good strategy for giving a picky toddler a sense of control. Is he possibly teething at the moment? Does he sleep well? Has he given up napping recently? One of mine stopped at 18 months and was so so cranky, it was unbearable.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend. It’s good you’ve been able to talk to someone in real life about the full extent of your feelings. Everyone says it gets easier over time and as trite as it sounds it really does. You will always love your friend and treasure the memories but the desperate sadness will lift.

Really wishing you well. Hope you have one of those mornings tomorrow where you randomly wake up feeling like everything is brilliant.

I'm very lucky I have him by my side!

I've never done anything to do with gardening before but I know my nan used to love doing it before she had to care for my grandad, I think I'll buy some seeds and see how we get on with them! It would be nice to have a little routine like that for both me and my son, thank you for the suggestion!

Ah sorry I was trying to get him to sleep while typing I gave him some options for food and he chose it then when I made it for him he had a tantrum because he didn't want it. He never used to be fussy with food but he's just started recently doing this! He's a great sleeper, we co-sleep which is something we've done from him being small as he never used to sleep for more than an hour until we done so, we've tried him in his own bed which he'll sometimes sleep in but we give him the choice each night. He still has 1 nap on an afternoon thankfully but it's not for long, usually about 20-30mins so that may be why he's a bit more grumpy! He has his final 2 teeth coming through at the same time so it also may be playing part in why he's more stressed recently, he's struggled a lot with his teeth he's always seemed to have 2 coming in at the same time :(

Thank you so much for all your help today! Sometimes all you need is someone at the other end of the phone whether you know them or not!

@Charl123321

Hi hun , I honestly could of wrote this post myself I'm exactly the same , I lost my partner 7 years ago to a drunk driver killing him and since then I've been terrified of getting poorly , going out , I stress over my health constantly it's awful , have 4 children who I look after pretty much alone. Sending you a virtual hug xxx

Hi lovely, oh I'm so sorry to hear thatit's such a struggle worrying about your health when you have kids! Each day I convince myself that I'm going to get poorly and my boy will grow up without his mam, it's such a difficult thing to overcome! I think there's a message option on here so if you ever want to message me privately please feel free! Sending virtual hugs back Xxx

How do I message you hun I'm new to all this xx

@Imsodone99 I'm not sure how to message you :-( xx

[quote Charl123321]@Imsodone99 I'm not sure how to message you :-( xx[/quote]
I think you have to use Google instead of the Mumsnet app? And then there should be an option to private message xxx

@Charl123321 I just had a look and I think I've managed to message you, log onto your Mumsnet account on Google and then in the top right corner there'll be a little profile icon, click on that and then it will say Private messages xxx

Morning op, I hope it’s been a good one so far 😊 I just wanted to say you sound like such a good mum- you’re already doing all the right things. Offering choices, finding a solution to the sleeping, planning activities and outings. It really might just be a grumpy stage at the moment for your son between the teething and the short naps and just the stage he’s at.

I know it doesn’t help much but he really might just grow out of it. If you wanted you could try doing some baby sign with him while his speech is getting going to help him express his wants- something special on bbc iplayer is a good way to teach yourself some signs!

I also wondered if you know about home start: www.home-start.org.uk/find-support They help parents of kids under 5 with parenting skills and mental health amongst other things. They will do things like come and play with your child while you get a break once a week, chat about strategies for managing behaviour, come and chat with you about concerns or anxieties you have and just listen. We had a volunteer who was a retired teacher and had lots of fun cheap ideas of activities to do with the kids. I think you can self refer if you explore the website and find your local group. I bet they’d meet outside if you weren’t comfortable inviting them in.

Hope it’s a good day. You’re not alone