Does this sound like PPD/PPA..feel like I can’t cope

[Gab88766]

I have a 5 month old and a 2 year old. I feel totally in love and bonded with both of them but feel very self critical / low esteem / like I hate myself. I had some therapy after having my eldest because I think having children opens up your own childhood trauma. My mum was / is very cold, very absent, critical and would withdraw affection and love was conditional. I think this has made me an ultra perfectionist and people pleaser and very self critical and doubting. I know and understand all this but I can’t switch it off!

Every time they cry it feels like a personal insult / I’m not doing a good enough job. I think I’ve not set firm enough boundaries with my 2 year old as I’ve tried to go the polar opposite to my mum and be 100% empathetic and understanding at all times but feel like she’s very very demanding and I feel totally burnt out.

Because there’s now two of them I never feel like I’m doing a good enough job / one is always getting ignored or less of my time which doesn’t sit well with my perfectionist personality. I was like this at work before having kids which made me quite successful but always had very little free time and now with kids as well I don’t know how I’ll cope when I go back to work as will feel I’m failing at every thing.

I know logically this is stupid and I can’t be perfect at everything but I just cannot switch that negative dialogue off. I’m utterly miserable with breastfeeding and finding it so hard second time round With a toddler to always look after and so tying but I know I’ll feel terrible if I stop.

I do all nights with both kids in the be (toddler only comes about 3am) as husband wanted to sleep train but I’m totally against it as and attachment parent style but because I’m struggling with boundaries I feel it’s totally consumed me.

Im finding it draining being happy and smiley and playing with the kids when I feel so miserable and just want to be on my own.

Is this just normal with two very young ones and no-one talks about it?! I had to put baby down in another room so I could lock myself in bathroom to scream and punch the doors this morning …I wasn’t scared I would hurt baby I just needed to be alone and obviously didn’t want to lose my shit in front of them

There's attachment parenting and then there is letting your children rule the roost. Sleep train them, stop making yourself a martyr and pay your mum no heed. Also see a GP and seek counselling. I'm on sertraline and no longer feel quite so frantic/miserable.
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Oh, it's tough having kids that young. I love being a mum but that stage was hellish! I had problems with my own mother and felt like you. I also tended to the attachment end of parenting so I do understand. I think it's important to remember that babies and small children cry because that is how they express displeasure, tiredness, discomfort, boredom, etc etc so it's not a sign of your parenting at all! Also, a baby occasionally crying alone while you take a minute to gather yourself or take a pee is fine and so long as the general trend is towards connection then you are doing well. Give yourself a break and just do what you can. If you get it 80% right, that is more than enough.
I used to lose it like you describe. It's hard, especially if you feel alone. Deep breathing helped, but you sound like you need some support.

Also, I would ask husband to attend to the older one when he has days off next day. Sleep training isn't for everyone and I never did it, but I did have my husband see to the older kids when he had weekends off etc