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Parenting

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Original poster

Struggling so badly with two

13 replies

NCstrugglingwithtwo · 09/04/2022 08:11

I have two DCs, almost 5 and 9 months. I am struggling terribly at the moment. I regret having the second one so badly and I am feeling terrible for feeling this way.

my older one is still struggling to adjust
I feel I have no time for my older one
I feel my older one's needs get voiced more loudly than the baby's and the baby is missing out
I'm desperately worried about the baby's development
I feel like I'm drowning every day

I wish, WISH I could go back two years and tell myself "one is enough." Does this ever get easier?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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nova99 · 09/04/2022 09:13

Is the almost 5yr old at school? Do you get time with the baby then? Do you have a partner? I'm sorry you feel so bad

Overthebow · 09/04/2022 09:15

Can your 4 year old go to nursery with the free hours so you have some time with just you and baby for a couple of days a week?

DoItAfraid · 09/04/2022 09:16

It will get easier. Be kind to yourself.

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Smartiepants79 · 09/04/2022 09:22

It will, of course, get better as they grow.
Is your eldest not at school?? Where is their father? Is he helping as much as he should?
Firstly I would try and not worry about the babies development. Millions of babies grow and thrive in similar situations. Some families have 5 or 6 kids and their babies still come out just fine!
In what ways is the eldest not adjusting? I’d focus on that myself.

cptartapp · 09/04/2022 09:23

Nursery is your friend. For either DC. The first two years of having two are the hardest. Outsource it.
Mine are 19 and 17 now and I still consider it the best money ever spent. No price on mental health and all bonded well enough.

Snorkello · 09/04/2022 09:29

Feel for you OP! Once baby is 1 it gets easier, I promise.

As PP says - nursery is you friend.

The guilt I get. But again, it gets easier. Plus they will be best friends in the future and honestly, it’s worth it when you can relax and they play together once older.

Now my youngest is nearly 2 they all run around and play together, and I don’t feel like I am not spending enough time. Empathise with the eldest. It is tough for them, but get her involved in baby stuff to keep interested. Talk about all the fun adventures they will have together when they grow up. It’ll all be fine!

But yes, this is a crappy age when you have others, so sending hugs x

RussianSpy101 · 09/04/2022 09:33

It does get easier. Is the eldest in school or nursery? Do you have a routine?
When baby naps, use that time to spend time with your eldest.

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/04/2022 09:35

My 3 year old is the youngest of 4 and was ignored, unintentionally, a lot as a baby as i was busy with others. It hasn’t affected her negatively at all - she is very happy and well adjusted. She is also very assertive- as she needs to be loud to get what she needs. I can always help her with urgent things like if she is hurt - but she has learnt that with less urgent things, she often needs to wait while i’m doing something else. I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing - once i make the effort at times to give her one to one attention.

thesnaleandthewhail · 09/04/2022 09:36

You're in the thick of it. Bring in as much support as possible from friends, family, nursery, a nanny, whoever. When they can play together you'll find two is actually easier than one in some ways because you don't feel the pressure to constantly entertain them. Give it another 9 months and you'll start to see some light. By Christmas things will be easier for sure.

Chely · 09/04/2022 09:58

It can be rough and the mum guilt strong.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
It will get more manageable, just do your best.

Original poster

NCstrugglingwithtwo · 09/04/2022 10:16

Thank you for the lovely messages. I cosleep with the baby and he naps on me/in sling. I do wonder if this is part of the problem.

Basically it's ok when it's not Easter (just about) as eldest is in preschool but this week has been incredibly tough. I just don't feel I'm doing enough for either of them.

OP posts:

Marmaladegin · 09/04/2022 23:22

Yes it gets massively easier. Hit me like a train,going from 1 to 2. Hang in and be kind to yourself. And buy the book "coping with 2" by Simone someone.

NuffSaidSam · 09/04/2022 23:32

It's important to remember that children need a lot less than modern parenting would have us believe. They don't need constant entertainment or age specific activities. The baby will be fine watching their older sibling and just hanging out. It's not going to impact their development because you're not spending every minute doing baby centric stuff. Likewise, the older one will benefit from a being a bit bored from time to time and having to draw on their own resources for entertainment.

Give yourself a break.

Focus on the things they both need.

Fresh air.
Time and space to move around and explore.
Cuddles.
To have simple engagement with you (just a chat, a book, eye contact and a smile).
Food.

Ignore the competitive parenting shite you see on social media.

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