Failure mum

[Mummydomummydo]

I feel like a failure. My DS refuses to sleep at night, he used to be a ok sleeper but got ill and we ended up co-sleeping with him for a while. He now point blank refuses to sleep in his cot, we have even moved it into our room and it still doesn’t work. He can be sound asleep and as soon as he is put down in his cot he wakes and will cry uncontrollably. DH and I have tried absolutely everything. He now doesn’t settle in our bed either and we cannot leave the room or he cries. We get absolutely no time together, we are in bed same time as baby every night. He is just over a year old now.
Normal daily routine:
Wake 6am
Bottle
8am breakfast
830 nap
10am wake
12pm lunch
1pm nap
230pm wake
415 dinner
6pm bath
7pm bed
Obviously he has snacks in-between and a bottle before bed too.
We are exhausted with the daily battle at night that can last upto 3 hours of uncontrollable crying. Can anyone help? Anyone had similar? Also to mention he still has no teeth.

Ok love. How old is baby?

You are absolutely not a failure mum. Some babies are just shitter than others when it comes to sleep. Maybe he'll be a clever primary school child, or a charming teenager and this is his 'moment'. But I know that doesn't matter right now because you're 'in it'. I'm her with you too, but of course in stupid enough that this is my third!

It gets better - it really does.

You'll probably get lots of people telling you to try sleep training of some description and maybe that's something you could consider.

It wasn't for me though and I still get into bed with my 2 and a half year old until he falls asleep. However, we can now transfer him to his cot once he's asleep and he sleeps through. That's 2 things I never thought we'd ever achieve.

No real advice from me, just understanding and solidarity!

Maybe try cutting down the morning nap to say 30mins and do the lunchtime nap from say 1230 till 1:30/2:00pm and see if that helps? He might be a bit more tired for bedtime then and not fight so much?

Just a suggestion but might be worth a try x

We had a terrible time with DS sleep between 10 and 12 months. He’d go down fine then wake at 10ish and was a bit like yours and would scream when we put him back in his cot.

It did get to me. I’ve nothing against co sleeping but I find it very uncomfortable being in one position and DS always wants to cuddle up and it’s so hot and suffocating! I was so tired and just wanted to be able to chill in bed.

It did magically improve at 13 months and I still don’t quite know why but while he doesn’t sleep through yet (16 months) when he wakes he does go back in his cot.

It’s definitely not you either, some of them just do this.

You sound like a brilliant mum who is doing her absolute best for her baby. I'm on baby no 3 and still haven't cracked the whole sleep thing. Is your baby at nursery or a playgroup/classes? These will definitely tire them out. And now that we're in Spring, lots of fresh air will help with good sleep.

Thank you so much! I think I’m just a little overwhelmed tonight. An hour and a half battle getting him to sleep. Can’t remember the last time hubby and I sat down for even 10 minutes together. I know it won’t last forever.

He is not at nursery yet but we do lots of activities during the day and I stay close to the beach so we are always out walking at the beach

I thought I'd cracked the sleeping thing with number 2 then 7 years late I had number 3.... He's nearly 6 and still doesn't sleep properly at times 🤣

Honestly you are doing brilliantly and sometimes you just have to slog through it all!

If the cot is making you both miserable then ditch it. It’s not a necessity. We gave up with the cot with DD1 at 6 months and DD2 never slept in one. They aren’t needed.

Did your kids just sleep in with you then? Or what did they sleep in when you got rid of the cot?

With DD1 we used to alternate which parent slept with her with DD2 it tends to me. Until 20 months they would be in our bed (floor bed) but we would put them to bed, ninja role away and then not go back until they woke up. Then when they went into their own rooms we would do the same but they were in a low small double with bed guards and one of us would go in when they woke. DH would settle and then leave but I always fall straight back to sleep. By 2.5 year DD1 was definitely sleeping through for the majority of time. DD is same as no where near that at the moment due to loads of minor illnesses.

I could have wrote this myself, also been feeling like a failure because my 6mo was also a great sleeper and stayed in her cot all night and was able to get her self to sleep, up until she was almost 5mo when I brought her into bed with me when we were going through a rough patch with her being ill and teething at the same time, she just screamed unless she was close to me so I gave in and have been co sleeping since. I keep trying to put her in her cot, I’ll wait until she’s asleep then put her down, she can sometimes last 30 mins until she changes positions and wakes up, then just cries and cries. I’m not one for sleep training, so I give in and let her sleep with me. I keep saying to myself she’ll eventually last the whole night in her cot again if I keep trying but I’m slowly losing hope in that and can’t help but feel it’s all my fault and I’ve failed already.

I am 100% in the sleep training camp. Our nearly 3 year old has been going to bed for 12 hours with no wakes unless ill for about 2 years. Our 7 month old is basically sleeping through the night now, but has done about 1 wake for two months and otherwise slept 12 hours in her own room for 4 months.

HOWEVER - and its a maaaaassive however...

1. Its impossible to tell whether that's our nurture or their nature (we've trained both and they are both our genetic stock).

1. And this is a massive one. We believe in sleep training. We use it consistently and our kids (toddler, at least) pick up that it's just the way it is - nights for sleeping, he can see it in our eyes. Kids pick up on this stuff. Some parents just don't have it in their nature. They're probably more nurturing than we are, and in some ways I envy that. Those seem to be the parents who try it as a last resort and it doesn't work. Their heart isn't in it (and that's fine) but either they don't persist with it or their kid picks up on the uncertainty. Little queues like apologetic movements, sad faces, longing.

I guess the point is that it worked a charm for us - but nobody knows whether it was actually the sleep training or if we were just lucky (for what it's worth - I think both. Sleep training has a following- it works, empirically). The point is also that it would work for you. You say "they just start crying", as though that's the end of It. We would literally have spent an hour or two going in to shush and pat for at least two weeks until the crying stopped, but never have given in, brought them in etc.

This is 100% not me saying that I'm right, you're wrong, I'm wrong, you're right, I'm just saying that sleep training is okay. If it's what you want to do and you think you can do it, it DOES work for most. But it's a personal thing. I can only advise from my outlook. I'm happy with sleep- kids are happy (the crying stops fast and children are adapted quickly to independent sleep), and that's my two cents. If you know in your heart that sleep training isn't for you then that's also fine and someone else might be able to offer non-Ferber help. Be well - you'll get through it either way