Scared my child will be autistic.

[LemonGroves]

I'm pregnant with my first. Autism (specifically, Aspergers syndrome, although I know that isn't used as a diagnosis anymore) is very strong in my family: all my siblings have it, plus several other relatives. My siblings' autism has had a profoundly negative impact on my life, in many different ways, and continues to do so. I don't want to go into detail because I'd hate for them to stumble upon this - it would hurt them so much. There are things I like about them as people, but those things are all unrelated to their autism. I know it's fashionable now to talk about autism as a "gift", but honestly I cannot see any positive influence that their autism has had on their lives or those around them. I often feel resentful that my parents chose to have me knowing that I would one day be primarily responsible for my autistic siblings, especially when their autism has caused me so much hurt, and continues to do so. I understand that there are many, many people with autism who have wonderful, fulfilled lives and are a real pleasure to be around. Or those who do really struggle, but whose autism has some plus sides. But this simply isn't the case in my family.

Anyway, now that I'm expecting my first child, I'm anxious that they'll be autistic. I spent my whole childhood and teenage years having to endure the negative effects of my siblings' autism, day in and day out, and I'm scared that, if my child is autistic, this syndrome will continue to negatively condition the rest of my adult life.

I think I'm just looking for some reassurance about what sort of help is out there now, how to access it, or maybe some empathy from someone in a similar situation. I also just wanted to articulate this feeling because it's something I feel ashamed of. When I tell trusted friends how I feel, they can't really understand it. And obviously I can't voice these feelings to my family.

This sounds tough op- one of my parents has a genetic condition and I’ve just had my first baby, I was worried too that he would be affected so I sort of understand where you’re coming from. I can’t tell you it won’t happen as you know it might- it’s a risk for us all when we have babies - but what I can tell you is that there’s an almost certain chance you won’t care as much as you think you will. You’ll love your baby so much that you’ll be able to cope and look far far beyond any condition or even just personality issues. I felt like you and yes I’m happy he’s not affected by the condition that runs in my family, I also told myself if it happens, he’s a lucky bugger because I know exactly what life with that condition entails; i couldn’t think of anyone better to parent him other than myself. I hope you can take comfort in that too, chances are low he’ll be affected but in any case I hope that offers you some peace in your heart. Congrats on your pregnancy 🌷xox

Well the process is pretty rubbish tbh. Our 2nd is autistic but not had an official diagnosis yet, we've been waiting over a year for assesment.
He's got many little quirks but overall is manageable and is very intelligent (especially with math). He's really good for me, had some issues at school but now the teachers know how to handle him he is fine most of the time.

If your child does have any issues be confident that you can and will handle it.

@LemonGroves I'm sorry no advice but just wanted to empathise as I have an autistic sibling and have had similar feelings and fears. I really hope it all works out for you

My daughter is autistic, I’ll be honest, there is little to no support out there. The whole diagnosis process isn’t fit for purpose, worse in certain areas and even harder for girls and children who mask. We fought for 4 years and ended up paying privately (lots of local authorities don’t accept private diagnosis). Even with a private diagnosis we were basically given some leaflets and sent on our way.

What you’ve experienced is what I fear my youngest child will experience. However, I think people are more open and accepting nowadays, it’s no longer this taboo “label” and people are generally more accepting and accommodating.

You have the advantage of knowing what to look for, experience and knowledge. Also that old adage is true “once you’ve met one autistic person you’ve met one autistic person”. Even if your child is autistic it doesn’t mean they will be anything like your siblings.

I think like a pp said you will adore your child whoever they are.

My advice would be to try not to let your worries about this deprive you of the joys of pregnancy and early days of motherhood, especially if you think you might feel tempted to look for evidence once the baby is here.

Not at all the same but I developed extreme anxiety when I was pregnant with DC2 that something would be wrong with her (I was pregnant and gave birth in lockdown so think it was misplaced anxiety from that). When I look back I wasted so much time and energy pointlessly and I will never get those baby days back with her.

It is more likely than not that your lovely little one will not be autistic. Just take each day as it comes.

Oh this is so familiar. My brother is autistic, among other things, I grew up with the idea that I could have a child like him because I'd seen it run through families (no Dx in my family but there are some people who probably could have been). Then he and my parents had some genetic testing that suggested that many of his issues are just him and not passed down and that was reassuring for me. When I got pregnant with DD I spoke to dr about the genetics thing and again reassurance. DD was born and developed well, actually ahead of average in a few areas, not the easiest baby but not awful, then she got to 2 and got really hard and some issues came out that filled me with dread and a huge sense of unfairness that I would have to deal with a SN child again. Not "that bad" but affects our daily lives. Waiting for ASD assesment now and starting to get some help with some of her issues now. I was already pregnant with DS when DDs issues started coming to light, I wanted 3 kids before but now I don't think I do because with might just be too hard and I'd definitely leave a bigger gap to see how DS is doing first.

@PinotAndPlaydough hit the nail on the head though with "Even if your child is autistic it doesn’t mean they will be anything like your siblings." DB and DD are VERY different and will be parented differently too

I'm so glad that I found this thread as I have been trying to work through my own feelings about this.

I have a sibling that is severely autistic. I absolutely love them and would do anything for them. My mum has always been amazing, looking after me and my sibling as a single parent. However, it has had such a negative impact on my life on a personal level. My sibling is selfish, not through choice, but due to the autism. Everything is always about them, what they want to do, where they want to go, what's best for them, without any consideration of anyone else. This is the way it's always been, since I was a very young child. I feel upset and angry that this is my life. I feel robbed of a sibling relationship, of being an aunt, of cousins for my children etc.

Anyway, I was concerned when I feel pregnant with my DC. It turned out they also have autism. I will be honest and say I felt very depressed for a few years. I couldn't believe how unfair life was. I cried and I cried. However, DC honestly is an absolute blessing. I agree about the autism not being a blessing and being challenging. However, one thing I say is I knew much earlier then most people that something wasn't right, I sought all the help and lots of different therapies. DC is now making great progress. Life and therapies are so much better now and whilst there is no cure, therapies and attitudes have changed. The reality is you are always going to love your child, no matter what. Don't let this fear rob you off this precious time.