3.3 year old extremely shy at preschool and with other kids

[OhRosalind]

DS is 3years 3 months and very shy. He has been doing mornings at preschool since October where he’s the youngest in a class of 19. He struggles with separation from me generally but is mostly ok. Overall he’s gained lots of confidence since the summer and will now happily play in a busy playground or soft play.

My main concern is he doesn’t generally speak or interact with other children. He’s also shy with adults but recently has started speaking to his teachers occasionally, and talking/playing with some adult friends we see often. With extended family he is very very chatty and loud. The only time I’ve known him to speak directly with kids are with his cousins (age 4/6) on occasional video calls (despite not really knowing them and only meeting them twice), and once he told me he said one word to a girl at nursery who he particularly likes.

He’s quite fearful generally and my impression is it’s fear/embarrassment and lack of practice (covid) holding him back. He’s very interested in the kids at nursery and talks about them a lot. He joins in class activities like painting and circle time but seems to flounder in the free play bits and still spends a lot of of time observing not participating, which I’m not sure boosts his confidence. Often he doesn’t play with the toys he wants to because another kid is already playing with them (even if it’s something that lots of kids could do simultaneously).

Outside nursery he takes a long time to warm up and runs off/hides if we see kids we know at the park or pickup. But if he’s encouraged or helped to interact with another child (e.g. me facilitating a ball game, taking him on the seesaw with a child he knows, playing next to a kid on a play date, waving bye) he loves it and will mention it repeatedly very happily and proudly afterwards. This doesn’t seem to be happening at preschool and I worry they are just leaving him to it, either due to staff ratio or because they think he just needs time. Whereas I think that without specific strategies to ease him in it will become ingrained behaviour that’s hard to change and he’ll miss out on developing key skills. I know early intervention is advised for selective mutism or social anxiety for example, but I don’t know if this meets the threshold, it’s something else, or he’s just very shy. Obviously it’s fine to be shy, but I see how happy it makes him to interact and participate.

Next week we have a meeting with the teacher and after that a paediatrician’s check-up. Obviously I will listen to what they say and suggest but is there anything specific I should be asking them or wanting them to do? I want to understand if this context can work for him and how we can work together to help. Any advice or reassurance?

My DS was exactly the same (still is to an extent, he’s 5 next month) and the only thing I found that helped was encouragement, not drawing attention to it and building up his confidence.

He’s still very little and it’s okay that some kids are shyer than others; our differences make us special. I do try and encourage DS to get involved a bit mire, but he’ll never be the kid who pushes to the front to get something or volunteers to do something in a group. One thing I’ve found that helped is letting him make some decisions; he struggled first, eg ‘shall we have pasta or chicken for dinner’ because he wasn’t confident in making the ‘right’ decision, but the more he did the more confidence he gained.

Don’t worry, your little boy is perfect!

Oh we’ve also set DS a target at school to actively play with someone new or put his hand up to answer something without being prompted. If he does this 5 times he gets to pick an outing as a treat, eg soft play or the park or farm or something.

Thanks @gobrookeyourself that makes me feel better. I wasn’t sure whether targets would be helpful or not, I don’t want to push (though it was the only thing that worked for potty training, which he was also v anxious about). But I think you’re right about confidence generally.

I am happy for him to be shy, what I don’t like is him feeling sad (about not playing with stuff he likes or participating when he clearly wants to) or missing out because he’s afraid, if we can help that.

I also want to be sure preschool are encouraging him - today he asked me when it would be his turn to distribute the drinks to the other kids at school. He did it once holding the teacher’s hand before Xmas but I guess they stopped asking as they think he won’t want to. Or maybe they do ask and he’s just changed today his mind….

No words of wisdom but my son was similar and I found this book helpful

My DS is 14 now and is who he is!!!!

Thanks @everythingisgoingup I’ll add it to my kindle.
I’m not actually sure if DS is an introvert - is it even possible to be a shy extrovert? When DS is comfortable he’s extremely loud and seems very social once relaxed - he loves playing with his uncles and so on and seems to thrive on social contact when he achieves it. I noticed the other day he was the loudest kid in the park, singing and yelling “look at me”. Whereas my DH is quite introverted and MIL says he was always quiet even in family contexts. So I think perhaps the issue is lack of skills/anxiety.

DD is like this (she's 4). I've been arranging some playdates to help give her more experience and that's been helping, but otherwise I'm just letting it be - her preschool haven't raised it as a concern.

My DD was like this at 3, didn't talk to anyone at nursery.
She does now at 4.5 - talks lots to the teachers and her friends. If anything she's a chatterbox.

However she's still very shy if we bump into her teachers outside school. She won't talk to extended family at all.

She's not an introvert either, she's a big extrovert. Just takes a while to warm up and won't talk to people she doesn't know really well.

My DS (just turned 3) is like this. Except he also doesn't like it when I try and facilitate him playing with another child, it has to be on his own terms!

Is your DS an only child? My DS has an older sister and he's very confident when he has her as his comfort blanket, he will talk to her friends etc or play with other children at the park as long as DD is with him leading the way.

Yes DS is an only child, and the only cousins are overseas. Due to covid restrictions he went a long period only seeing other kids on screens, which is a big part of the problem I think.

My nephew is 3.4 and he acts the complete opposite, he was obessed with their trash can, obessed with playing in the bathroom sink, kicking other friends blocks they were building, kicking and slapping and pushing friends off their chair. He was kicked out and my brother has to get him evaluated for ADHD, and ODD because he is also so hyper he cant sit still during circle time.

That sounds tough @DORV1977, I hope they get the support they need, it seems really harsh to kick out such a small child, hopefully they can find somewhere that meets his needs.

Something DS has struggled with is being in a big class (13 boys/6 girls) with some very boisterous kids, including a couple of non-verbal ones who are very physically affectionate and try to hug him. Kids’ behaviour is so unpredictable compared to adults, I think that’s partly why he’s wary after a lot of time playing with adults.

Your little one sounds lovely @OhRosalind and certainly not in a way that I think would warrant concern. But I completely understand the feeling of not wanting them to be left out; I’ve tried to get DS to get more involved in things actively and, like your son, once he’s got the confidence to get into it he loves it. It’s just the starting it and putting himself forward for things he struggles with you.

I think shy extrovert sums him up perfectly and, if I’m honest, I think it’s a lovely way to be, you just want to make sure he doesn’t miss out which is completely understandable. My DS has only recently got a sibling and cousins are further away than I’d like, so I think this plays a part. You seem to be doing everything right, I’d ask pre school to give him a bit of responsibility or actively make sure he’s including himself in things and his confidence will grow. Just praise praise praise for everything, they remember everything at this age and can be such sensitive little things.

Good luck, you sound like a lovely mum and your DS sounds like a gem too

Oh I forgot to acknowledge the big group thing; again, DS is similar in that he can get ‘lost’ in a big group. For example, he came home from school all excited that they had a new make believe doctors surgery to play with, but then one of the little girls told him he couldn’t play with it because she and another girl were on it and it was girls only. So he came home sad because he’d just accepted it and played with something else but was unhappy at missing out, just didn’t assert himself if that makes sense. We’ve just started him at squirrels and are looking into karate lessons or anything in a group; could that be something to look into? Anything to give him the experience in groups but in a situation you can watch over.

Thank you @Gobrookeyourself for the kind and reassuring words. Preschool has been exhausting for DS but I will look for a small group activity he can do with me for the summer I think. I think probably such a big class isn’t ideal for him but we couldn’t know the numbers in advance and I don’t want to move him unless it’s really necessary. Also I know small classes can be challenging in a different way depending on the mix of kids.
I will listen to what the teacher has to say then ask about small group activities or ways to more actively encourage him to join in or do the things he wants to do, he really needs help taking that first step I think.

That said, it’s good to hear that little ones just improved gradually or it’s just who they are - I’m a natural problem-solver and a bit anxious so have to reign in my desire to “fix” things. Not DS, he’s wonderful, but I hate the thought of him being sad or not feeling confident.

rein in, rather!

I completely understand your desire to ‘fix’, it’s more knowing that it you can change this then it makes life a lot easier for them going forward. The school my DS is in now has 18 kids, which I think is a nice number. Not so many that he’s completely lost but not so few it doesn’t give him a chance to hone his socialising skills.

Preschool is definitely exhausting, or leaves little time for other activities out. What kinds of things does he like to do? Our first for DS was diddikicks with about 10 kids in and parents stayed which was a great intro to other kids in a team setting for him.

I’ve looked into groups, an issue is that now he’s 3 he generally falls into groups for 3-5 year olds where parents don’t stay and given the time it took him to settle in at preschool I can’t imagine that going well. We are overseas and there’s less provision than in the U.K. But there’s a place that does music classes I’ll contact, I’ve heard the teacher is very nice and does school workshops on self-esteem through music, so if I explain maybe she can advise. Swimming has been out for months due to constant bugs and ear infections but I want to take him swimming regularly now with the aim of joining a class after the summer, as he loves water. I think getting familiar with the pool first will help, maybe we can do a private lesson with the teacher beforehand or something. And there’s a football open day coming up soon which we can try. He loves kicking a ball and gets very overexcited, so perhaps he’s more likely to give into temptation and join in in a sports context. Or perhaps that would be more intimidating, and a quieter class would be a better fit, I think we won’t know unless we try.

It’s really helpful to hear about your DS and what’s helped, thank you so much.

No problem, I hope you get some reassurance over the coming months and find the perfect group of friends for your DS. Just remember you’re doing everything right and your son is perfect and will come out of his shell more readily with each passing month. It’s been a hard few years for kids with covid, so a little hesitation in group settings is to be expected I think!

Mine was just like this. He’s fine at school now but does take time to settle in and warm to people. He’s actually really chatty at home and with friends etc drives me potty sometimes! It’s a survival instinct to survey the scene before jumping in. Now he’s with the same children everyday he’s much more confident. I’m not sure he’s the kind of child you could stick in a kids club on holiday though.

Mine also used to only play with toys that weren’t being used by others at toddler groups etc and just used to hand them over to others when they wanted them

Thanks @Mustardmusings he sounds a lot like DS, I’m glad he’s gained some confidence.

I am not convinced it’s just COVID. It might be who he is. My 10 year old was exactly like this. He’s now ten and has friends but is still never going to be the heart and soul of a party. (His sibling is the very opposite). When he’s happy and comfortable he can be loud and funny but that’s true of many introverts- they are not introverted all of the time. The first time my DS voluntarily spoke to another child he was nearly four. I can literally tell you when and where it happened. I sent a text to DH because I was so excited.
With him, I always said: you have to say hello and goodbye and please and thank you. And answer questions. Never forced social interactions on him. I let him be. Over time as other kids grew up he made a few good friends (mostly girls).