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Parenting

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Original poster

Help! Father not taking up all the contact in a contact order

23 replies

Lizzy771 · 07/04/2022 11:35

I share two children with my ex. The children live with me. We have a contact order that was drawn up 5 years ago with contact every other weekend, mid week and half the holidays.

My ex will not stick to a rigid schedule and often does not have them for the two weekends a month as agreed, or half the holidays. It is driving me mad. I feel like he treats me as his babysitter.

To force him to take up contact as per the court order I am considering blocking contact until he is forced to the rules set in the court order. Does anyone know what the legal position is here? Will the court take a dim view of his limited ability to stick to the court order? Can I or he apply to vary the court order?

Thanks so much in advance!

OP posts:

TeachesOfPeaches · 07/04/2022 11:39

Unfortunately you cannot make someone have their children if they don't want to, even if there is a court order.

AHungryCaterpillar · 07/04/2022 11:42

You can’t make him have them, he doesn’t need to stick to the court order you just need to make them available, there is no consequences to him not sticking to it.

Theunamedcat · 07/04/2022 11:46

You cannot force him to be a parent I went to the solicitors years ago asking the same question they said I can help you take it to court but why do you want to force someone so disinterested to be around your child I thought about it said good point thanks for that and left

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familyissues12345 · 07/04/2022 11:47

I agree with the other replies, however annoying you can't force him to stick to the court order, but you do have to have the children available for him.

I think if he was to go to court in the future then they'll take a pretty dim view of him, but that'll be it. I'd make sure you keep a diary of everything - how frequently he cancels, how much notice etc so you have something to refer back to if needed.

Good luck, he sounds like a knob. My ex was a similar level of knobness (he saw DS even less and still cancelled) and I had an internal party last year when I stopped having to deal with him as DS now does all arranging himself (he's 18)

Theunamedcat · 07/04/2022 11:47

Is your child maintenance effected? Does he pay less due to having so many days? Get it adjusted if it does it might focus his mind money is a great motivator

titchy · 07/04/2022 11:48

A far better route would be to keep a diary and use that to get the court order amended, focussing on the disappointment of the children when they know it's supposed to be a contact weekend and he doesn't turn up.

familyissues12345 · 07/04/2022 11:49

@Theunamedcat

This was a lightbulb moment for me too several years ago. Your children deserve better than spending time with someone who regularly cancels seeing them, enjoy them OP x

Sprogonthetyne · 07/04/2022 11:49

You can't make him have them, but if the number of nights is lower the what was used for CMS you could ask for it to be recalculated.

FelicityPike · 07/04/2022 11:51

You can’t make him have them more.
He absolutely can have the order varied to have them less.
Sorry.

LaurieFairyCake · 07/04/2022 12:53

Try a bit of reverse psychology

"We might be away for quite a few of your weekends as him and his kids get on with them so well - I'm assuming that's fine with you as you're not turning up for weekends"

Then when he kicks up a fuss say 'oh that's no problem as even if you change your mind last minute we can just leave for his holiday home'

Bet the fucker turns up for every one

Original poster

Lizzy771 · 07/04/2022 14:39

I just don't see why I have to live with dates that don't match the court order. It seems so unfair and I need to make him take the full amount the court ordered.

He seems to enjoy spending time with them (and vice versa) but has other children and a full on job. But so do I and I need to gain some control of the schedule. Gahhh

OP posts:

Chilledchablis1 · 07/04/2022 14:46

No court will force him to have the DC if he doesn’t want to but, as others have said , they have to be available. It’s not good . Been there etc .

Original poster

Lizzy771 · 07/04/2022 14:53

@titchy

Yes, but my issue is I don't want to vary the court order, I want him to have them for the maximum amount of time as per the court order...he would love to vary the court order but I'm not having it.

OP posts:

Lalala1 · 07/04/2022 15:08

@Lizzy771

I just don't see why I have to live with dates that don't match the court order. It seems so unfair and I need to make him take the full amount the court ordered.

He seems to enjoy spending time with them (and vice versa) but has other children and a full on job. But so do I and I need to gain some control of the schedule. Gahhh

What do you mean u have to live by dates that don't match court order? Does he just not turn up on his contact days? What age are the kids?

Chilledchablis1 · 07/04/2022 15:09

Well , I am not sure it’s up to you ( hard though it is ). Do you really want your DC to be with someone who doesn’t really want them ?

Original poster

Lizzy771 · 07/04/2022 15:12

We agree dates 3 months in advance, but he suggest dates less than those set out in the court order. My argument is he should take up the maximum time as set out in the court order. The children are 8 and 5. It's so frustrating that I can't do anything about it.

OP posts:

Easilydiscardthisone · 07/04/2022 15:13

OP it sucks that he is so disinterested but you need to put your childrens needs first here and should not be attempting to force contact between them and a parent who does not want that contact, which you really couldn’t do even if you tried.

AHungryCaterpillar · 07/04/2022 15:13

Well no you can’t so pointless trying, no court will force a parent to see their kids.

Maxiedog123 · 07/04/2022 15:16

Just make sure that he knows CMS will reflect actual arrangements, keeps diary.

cherryonthecakes · 07/04/2022 15:17

The court won't take a dim view of him not taking up his contact. They'd take a dim view if you didn't allow it though.

The only thing you can do legally is vary the order so that your child maintenance may increase. That's the only way that you can "punish" him for being shit.

SomePosters · 07/04/2022 15:23

@LaurieFairyCake

Try a bit of reverse psychology

"We might be away for quite a few of your weekends as him and his kids get on with them so well - I'm assuming that's fine with you as you're not turning up for weekends"

Then when he kicks up a fuss say 'oh that's no problem as even if you change your mind last minute we can just leave for his holiday home'

Bet the fucker turns up for every one

Fucking brilliant

BadNomad · 07/04/2022 23:17

Unfortunately the court order just means you have to make the children available to him on those dates. It does not mean he has to take them. No one can force him to see his children.

Original poster

Lizzy771 · 08/04/2022 08:53

@cherryonthecakes

The court won't take a dim view of him not taking up his contact. They'd take a dim view if you didn't allow it though.

The only thing you can do legally is vary the order so that your child maintenance may increase. That's the only way that you can "punish" him for being shit.

We have a private maintenance agreement so that's not affected, and he offers to assist with any extra childcare costs so that's not really something i can use against him,

OP posts:

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