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Original poster

Return gifts not given to kids by virtue of our race/ Color/ god knows what

24 replies

mamasaurausin · 06/04/2022 19:10

Hello !
So we r an Indian family and I have 2 kids 6 and 3.
We are new in the city and to give a perspective sometime back had the b day party of my younger one where we invited our neighbours who are half Indian and half Irish. Indian man married an Irish woman.

Now after 2 weeks it was their kids b day party and they invited us. We were one of the only two Indian families that they had invited . I guess we were invited coz we r the neighbours and it was more of a formality for them. Now my kids took 2 gifts for the b day boy and also when they had come to our house we had given 2 return gifts for both the siblings.

Throughout the party the lady of the house didn't talk to us or made any eye contact or made us feel comfortable as we hardly knew anybody . I was also busy with my kid n tried to ignore.

Now here it gets interesting While returning I saw every kid was given a goodie bag but our kids were deliberately left out. My kids noticed it and also enquired about their goodie bag when they came home. It became super weird when all the guests were posting the pictures of the goodie bag next day on the b day WhatsApp group showing how their kids are enjoying the goodie bag

Till date the lady ignores us and doesn't believe in talking to me when she bumps into us. My husband being the guy who makes every situation fun said that her priorities are clear that she doesn't want to mingle with the 'Desis' aka Indians. I am not concerned about her not talking but what irked me when they didn't give the goodie bag to my kids if they had invited us to their place.

Am I the one who is overreacting ? I kno I might get a lot of flak here coz I m an outsider n not an European and many May defend or justify the behaviour. I should just let it go but this kind of behaviour from adults make me wonder the kind of values one is instilling in the kids by being such role models. I m happy to be proven wrong but plz be kind and gentle on comments even if u disagree with me . Thanks !

OP posts:

Sapphirejane · 06/04/2022 19:14

I am so confused by your post. If the woman is married to an Indian man and has children with him she has very much chosen to mingle with people from India.

It sounds like she doesn’t like you for whatever reason but I’m not sure what has indicated to you it’s a race issue? I’m not saying it’s not possible but in the situation you describe would be very odd.

MrsDThaskala · 06/04/2022 19:20

I'm wondering if she didn't know you (the children) were coming and was avoiding because she was embarrassed. There's no way a sensible person would not give a party bag to children. Even if I didn't like the parents, if I know the children are coming to party and giving a gift, there should be a party bag. Perhaps it's just a mistake?

AppropriateAdult · 06/04/2022 19:21

I'm sorry this happened, I'm sure it felt hurtful. Are you sure it was deliberate? It's quite easy to overlook one or two when a bunch of kids are milling around at the end of the party.

It's no use now, but I'd have probably said something casually at the time - "We're off now, thanks so much for a lovely party. Sally and Sadie didn't get their party bags yet, all right if I grab two?"

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ReadyToMoveIt · 06/04/2022 19:22

I’m confused… if she’s married to an Indian it’s unlikely she has an issue with Indians?

ReadyToMoveIt · 06/04/2022 19:22

Their behaviour was rude though… who leaves out a child?!

ironorchids · 06/04/2022 19:29

Seems very mean for only your children to miss out.

What makes you think it is about ethnicity?

declutteringmymind · 06/04/2022 19:34

If she's said she doesn't mix or like 'Desi' people she is racist. For those who don't know it's a term for first generation Indian people.

Regardless of who she is married to. She may have had a bad experience with her in laws but that's not a reason to think or say what she has.

I'd stay away from her. Soon people around her will realise what she is like, and so will her children unfortunately.

If you get the opportunity call her out on it.

lemongreentea · 06/04/2022 19:36

This is the second thread on goodie bags this week.

What was in the goodie bag that was so amazing that made people post them on facebook? Gold nuggets? Usually its plastic tat.

And no I don't think its because you are Indian.

deadlanguage · 06/04/2022 20:04

If it was due to your race wouldn’t they also have left out the other Indian family there?

Needcoffeecoffeecoffee · 06/04/2022 20:11

How did you get an invite? And did you confirm you were coming?
I wonder if the host didnt know you would be there and was embarrassed and panicking about lack of party bags/food hence the avoided eye contact and then no party bag

Duracellbunnywannabe · 06/04/2022 21:08

Were both your kids invited or just one child?

Original poster

Mamasaurausin · 07/04/2022 05:45

@MrsDThaskala

They knew we were all coming. I Had confirmed to them plus we r the neighbours. We hv just moved in and I don't seem to find any reason for her to not like me as she has never spoken to me. In The whole party she kept avoiding us and not make any eye contact . As a host who does that ? I would obviously welcome and make people comfortable and esp neighbours if we have invited them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mamasaurausin · 07/04/2022 05:57

Sorry new to this .. to everyone
Wanted to answer everyone individually but can't seem to figure out my way over here to reply individually.

We were invited and both the kids were called.
The other family that was Indian ; she seemed to ignore them too . They were also just hanging out by themselves. I guess they were the husbands friend
I am assuming She knew about our invitation as she was the admin on the WhatsApp group created for b day party
We have just moved in and really didn't have a chance to talk to each other but I thought this could be the ice breaker right
I had invited her as well to my kids party but she chose to not come and sent her kids along with husband . They r next door neighbours plus on a sunday She could hv really come to say hi to us . I also inquired about her from her husband when he told me oh yes she is on her way ! But she never showed up her face that day .
It may b my assumption but the vibes that u get u can feel right . Nobody is going to say on the face that they don't want to mingle with you coz u r from x place . Also this makes me wonder if she is married an Indian then why there were no Indian friends of the couple . I m sure the husband would hv some Indian friends but I hv never seen them interacting with Indian families or friends in the weekend too when kids come to their house for play dates ! Hence the assumption . Again I may b wrong here but the undercurrents of the behavior is such that made me wonder .

OP posts:

KELLOGSspeck · 07/04/2022 06:08

I would let this go OP.

Have you ever spoken to your neighbours wife as in Good morning how are you?

In the nicest way the gifts for sibling that is not their birthday... I wouldn't send gifts. So you have bought for 4 gifts. It's kind but it's too much.

Just buy one cheap gift for the birthday child

Notcreativeatall · 07/04/2022 06:13

I think you are making a massive assumption that she doesn't like you because she is racist- why did your husband jump to that answer?

It feels like she doesn't want to socialise with you- for whatever reason.
The Party bags looks mean- the only response maybe that she didn't invite the children herself/hadn't factored in the extra bags somehow- was it her husband who invited you?

It can be awkward when party guests brings siblings etc - i have had random uninvited children help themselves to bags - i normally have extra but then my party bags were never worth putting on SM

IcedOatLatte · 07/04/2022 06:17

As Tip for you as you're new OP, are you using two different devices? You have two different versions of your name which is very confusing as only one highlights as the OP

You don't really have many options here unless you ask the neighbour so probably best to ignore

I also want to know what could possibly be in a party bag that's worth sharing in the WhatsApp group.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 07/04/2022 06:22

Sounds to me as if she felt obliged to invite you and didnt really want to - for whatever reason, by which Im not ruling out racism. But if youre getting vibes then theyre almost certainly correct.

tempester28 · 07/04/2022 06:23

That is awful! to not give all the children a goody bag. It does sometimes happen that you mess up with numbers etc but any sane person would improvise and make sure each child got something.

I wouldn't immediately assume it is racism. However she doesn't sound very nice so I would probably just forget about her for now.

FlambeTomato · 07/04/2022 06:39

I'm sorry that this happened to you and your kids OP.
It sounds like her problem and not yours, but as an adult you know that. The kids on the other hand won't get it - it's just cruel not to give all the children goodie bags.

Somuddled · 07/04/2022 07:20

It's bad that your children didn't get part bags. That's the only behaviour that really stands out for me. The rest of it can be explained away easily. The Sunday you had your party and the kids came with their father is totally fine and normal. Maybe she was desperate for some down time, maybe see wasn't well, maybe she had a work deadline or a pile of laundry to get through. What was her husband like at your party? Did you make effort to engage with him? Or were you too busy hosting a party?

Then with her not really engaging with you at their party, again lots of possible reasons. It's possible that she is someone who very strictly doesn't want neighbours as friends. I don't, our ndn are great. But I never want the pressure of friends living right next door. Too much potential to go wrong.

Anyway, you know how you feel. It's also very possible that this woman is racist. Or just doesn't like you specifically. Either way, you have o live near them so I'd advise against demonising her based on one interaction. It will only cause you difficulties.

afinethingindeed · 07/04/2022 07:22

@declutteringmymind

If she's said she doesn't mix or like 'Desi' people she is racist. For those who don't know it's a term for first generation Indian people.

Regardless of who she is married to. She may have had a bad experience with her in laws but that's not a reason to think or say what she has.

I'd stay away from her. Soon people around her will realise what she is like, and so will her children unfortunately.

If you get the opportunity call her out on it.

She didn't say that though. The OP's husband suggested this about the neighbour to explain her actions but the neighbour didn't actually say this herself.

afinethingindeed · 07/04/2022 07:26

OP, your neighbour sounds rude to be honest and I don't think missing your children out is ok in any culture.
I hope there's an innocent explanation. Otherwise, perhaps just avoid them going forward.

Cottonfrenzie · 07/04/2022 07:52

@Mamasaurausin

Sorry new to this .. to everyone Wanted to answer everyone individually but can't seem to figure out my way over here to reply individually.

We were invited and both the kids were called.
The other family that was Indian ; she seemed to ignore them too . They were also just hanging out by themselves. I guess they were the husbands friend
I am assuming She knew about our invitation as she was the admin on the WhatsApp group created for b day party
We have just moved in and really didn't have a chance to talk to each other but I thought this could be the ice breaker right
I had invited her as well to my kids party but she chose to not come and sent her kids along with husband . They r next door neighbours plus on a sunday She could hv really come to say hi to us . I also inquired about her from her husband when he told me oh yes she is on her way ! But she never showed up her face that day .
It may b my assumption but the vibes that u get u can feel right . Nobody is going to say on the face that they don't want to mingle with you coz u r from x place . Also this makes me wonder if she is married an Indian then why there were no Indian friends of the couple . I m sure the husband would hv some Indian friends but I hv never seen them interacting with Indian families or friends in the weekend too when kids come to their house for play dates ! Hence the assumption . Again I may b wrong here but the undercurrents of the behavior is such that made me wonder .

Yes was rude not to give your kids a bag. But as pp suggested maybe there was confusion know numbers and didn't have enough.

Why are you making this about race? Much more likely she's socially awkward than dislikes Indian people given she's married to an Indian man!

And as for the husband not having Indian friends that's not true is it? You said yourself there was another Indian family there. You say you've only just moved there. How would you know about their friends? And even if he has no friends of his own ethnicity why does that matter?

LimeSegment · 07/04/2022 08:18

I'm not sure I would jump to the conclusion that she is racist against Indians, when her husband, children and friends are Indian. And that she would choose to take out her hate through the medium of a party bag, rather than by, for example, not marrying an Indian man and having children with him.

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