Splitting of childcare duties with OH

[Laura2211]

Hello,
Just wondering how people split domestic life with their OH? I have a 2 year old and a 1 year old. I’ve been on maternity leave for a year & I have been doing pretty much all the night wakings & early mornings wake ups (DS2 wakes 5.30/6 every morning & wakes at least once a night, usually settles back quickly but not always. DD1 is going through a nightmare phase so is waking a lot at the moment). I am due back to work in a few weeks & there is no way I will be able to function on continued broken sleep. I’ve tried to ask DH to get up in the mornings & he really struggles with it. He was diagnosed with depression 6 months ago. I’m really worried about breaking.
Just want to know what others do to share childcare responsibilities with both are working? Or any tips to deal with the tiredness? Presume people take it in turns with night wakings etc? I feel I need to get a plan in place ready for the inevitable increase in exhaustion levels...

Are you going back full time or part time? What we did was both dropped our hours a bit, and shared childcare 50 50. Is something like that possible? So both potentially work 4 days a week, and have a different day off each with DC a week. Maybe take it in turn with night waking? What you need to avoid is it all continuing to be your problem, because that will break you.

What is he doing for his depression ?

To be honest I'm not generally overly sympathetic when it comes to diagnoses of "depression" so that does affect my reply so apologies - if it was me he needs to share the load. What is he depressed about? I went back to work full time when twins 5 months. But DH starts work at 430am so practically can't help in the night - but on weekends he's expected to get his backside out of bed to help. But yes your body does get used to the tiredness very quickly - you'll be surprised how well you can function at work on very little sleep

Everyone functions differently. A lot of factors involved. What kind of jobs do you both do? Any shift or weekend work involved? Mental health is definitely relevant but I would echo a PP in asking what help he is getting with this and how you are coping with it too?

When I was on ML I did all the night wakings. I returned first time round when ds was 3 months old, and still waking for night feeds and as I was bf then I did those, but dh would do the nappy change if he was awake, and when ds dropped the night feed and was waking for random reasons, dh absolutely did his share. Having said that, I only worked 3 days a week at this stage so we split accordingly. If I didn't have to get up for work in the morning then i did the night wakings.

As you'll be returning to work soon, you need a discussion and a plan in place because you'll be shattered doing it all. I think (after 3 children) the most reasonable way is to share things equally as much as you can, allowing for one partner to do more proportionately if they're working less. Ultimately if you have a day at home after a broken night, it's easier than having to get up and go to work all day - and yes I know looking after small children isn't a 'day off' but at least you can tailor your day to chill on the sofa with toys and the tv if you're really shattered.

At least with a year long ML you don't have the issue I did where ds was needing night feeds still and I was bf sometimes twice in the night before getting up for work: now that was tough! When it's waking for other reasons it does make it easier to share the load

We’ve always done it that I do the night wakings and DH gets up with them early to give me some catch up sleep. It works for us as I find if DH gets up with them I’m awake anyway whereas he appears to sleep through it better.
My DS doesn’t sleep well and when I first went back to work I would sometimes go to bed really early a couple of nights a week just to manage the tiredness until I got used to being back

We have always alternated bath and bed, and then whoever’s ‘night’ it is did any night wakings, but to be honest, we were usually both awake (no idea how you sleep through it!) so helped each other out.

Best thing is to alternate lie ins on a weekend, or whoever had the tougher night, the other would get up at 5 so the other could get a solid couple of hours before work.

You’ve got to be a team and look after each other.

Thanks all

@twinsetandpearl he had a family bereavement. It is hard to be sympathetic as I do feel life has some very tough moments & we all have to find ways to deal with it, particularly with 2 small children, but ultimately it is what is it & I have to try & support through the extreme tiredness.

Appreciate the tips as this gives something to think about :-)