Time to pull the plug?

[Lolalola9321]

Hello lovely people,

I just need some reassurance I am not going crazy.
I currently have an 11 Month old DS, he is the best. But he is the most active wee boy ever, walking, crawling and never sits still — it’s hard work.
I’m still breastfeeding in the evenings, through the night (avg 3 times) and in the morning but other than that he has 3 solid meals and loves snacks.

Now the bad bit, my partner barely helps me and I feel guilty even asking. I recently returned to work full time last week and it’s such a relief — I’m fortunate that my wee man can go to family through the week to avoid nursery costs. I work 9-5, my partner is a self employed joiner and we both make okay money although I slightly out earn him. My partner is normally out the door 6:45 and home about 6pm. I take car of everything baby related, cooking and cleaning — I have slight ocd and need things to be tidy before I can fully relax.

So today I’m almost at my last straw, DS was up hourly (teething) last night, and finally fell asleep at 5:30 obviously it was just me up with him. My partner got up for work at 5:45, when we woke at 7:30 he was still here and said he was starting later. Okay, no problem. My MIL came and collected DS and away they went and I WFH so started work. 9:15 my partner was asleep on the sofa, he moved through to the bedroom at 10am and slept until 1pm. During this time I’ve tidied the kitchen, put away washing, done 3 loads of washing, prepped tea and walked the dog twice whilst working.

I also texted my MIL to apologise because if I had to cancel work for whatever reason, I would keep DS home with me. I wouldn’t take her babysitting as a given and I’m so grateful she does it.

1pm came, he got up, made lunch — messed up the kitchen and sat in the bedroom on his phone. I finished work at 5 and walked the dog and DS came home at 5:15, made tea and left my sister feeding him whilst I nipped for a quick shower where I’m subsequently writing this.

I would love to say this is an isolated incident but it’s not — he barely helps I do it all.

Does anyone have any experience of speaking to their partner about this or similar?
I could barely manage whilst on maternity but now I’m back at work I’m really struggling to juggle it all.

I would really hate to break up cause I do really love him and pictured him in my life forever but I just feel like I’m being taken for an absolute mug and he has no respect for me.

Thank you for reading my rant x

What did he say when you told him to walk the dog/tidy the kitchen/cook the tea etc?

Have you said anything to him about it?

I'd be 'going nuclear' as they say on Mumsnet or on strike.

If you want out, do it before you are too financially restricted to do so.
If you both love eachother enough you'll find compromises so there is less resentment.

My dh can be less use than a chocolate teapot but I would just add financial struggle to my stress levels leaving than staying.

Try offering choices, like you would with a toddler. "Do you want to do bathtime or clean the kitchen tonight?". That way doing nothing isn't an option. If he still won't do it, you need to have a serious talk

Do you ever give him the chance to do something in his own way?

Is he hiding behind an excuse of not doing it because you have quite precise standards of how to do something, and he won’t live up to that, so he just doesn’t bother.

I’m amazed that you are able to do all of that while working from home, do you feel like housework is becoming all-consuming?

Totally echo the comment about giving a choice between 2 things. He can't complain as you're clearly doing something too and it might make him get more familiar with what needs to be done. As a self confessed control freak you do also have to let go and let him do stuff even if he doesn't do it how you would or how you want it. I find this near impossible but am getting better at it!

I would frame it that you simply don't understand how he can leave all the work to you. Dog walking? Presumably there aren't any particular difficult standards there?

How much actual work could you have possibly done while you were doing all the housework?

I do wonder if he sees all the housework as necessary. I'm a bit thrown by 3 loads of washing in one morning. But I get totally that he's doing nothing at all.

Sorry everyone, I never received any emails for this.

We have had a chat and I told him I am exhausted — it’s not maintainable for me to constantly do everything. I think pre baby I was happy because everything was my standard. He has been helping with the dog more and taking the wee one out with him (which he used to moan about because he says it’s stressful being responsible for both of them).

I think I just like everywhere to being tidy so I’m not having to think of it being messy and how I’m going to squeeze in tidying up. When my little one is here, I’m very much present and let him pull everything out and I’ll tidy it when he is sleeping.

He definitely doesn’t see all the housework as necessary. I was able to do 3 loads, cause it was a rare sunny day in Scotland and my washing machine was on from 7:30 — it never normally happens lol

Thank you so much ladies, I was probably just emotional and tired. I have had a good nights sleep since then and realised a lot of it is my own fault!

Happy Monday 😁