Don't want a screen addict... is there any hope?

[Doughnut100]

My daughter is nearly one. I have a niece who only wants to play Minecraft, I know some nearly teenage boys who are the same, and I'm looking at all the kids who have to be given peppa pig on the phone for them to sit through a meal. This doesn't come from a place of judgement, I'm not here to criticise anyone else's children or parenting. Do whatever feels right for you, this just doesn't feel right for me, I'm worried about what lies ahead. I really don't want a little screen addict! I also don't want my relationship with my daughter to be a battle. Is there anyone out there managing to fight the new normal? Do I need to adjust my expectations? I would love to hear from anyone with similar views who is already in the thick of it.

My DD is nearly 6. She loves watching films on TV but we've never let her watch stuff on our phones. She doesn't play Minecraft or have ipad games. We have an ipad as unfortunately her school reading books are on there but she doesn't play games on it. She does still watch films/TV but I'm glad we've dodged games/YouTube for now.

I have a 13 year old. Tbh we were relatively low tech until he was about 8 but he's still somehow got hooked somewhere along the way.

My advice: TV is fine, but screens every time a distraction is needed should probably be avoided. Not when you're desperate, but generally, toys, colouring, etc are all better when eg at a restaurant in my view.

You can definitely avoid it when they are pre-school/primary age. But it is a lot harder when they are pre-teens and teens because that is where a lot of their social life takes place. I was very careful about screens when my DC was younger, but now they are 14 and although I do still put some limits on it, they are on screens a lot more than I feel comfortable with.

My suggestion would be to take it a phase at a time. Hopefully by the time your DD is a teen we will have a more sensible approach to technology as a society.

It's totally avoidable when they're small/primary school age.

But it is more effort. It's more effort to actively entertain than sit them infront of a screen. Sometimes with work, multiple children, house stuff, bad sleep/illness etc etc it's easy to let it slip.

What will be helpful long term is to make sure she learns to entertain herself. Let her potter, let her be bored. Don't fill every minute with activities and adult directed play. That's why so many children can't entertain themselves anymore, too much parental guilt leading to kids never learning to entertain themselves.

My 6 year old would happily watch a lot of TV when she starts watching. Lockdown did not help this. As a general rule we watch a film about once a month and she watches 30 mins before dinner time but some nights she is too busy playing or reading to herself or is at gymnastics, swimming or is having a playdate. The best tip I can give is not all TV is equal, watching alphablocks is one of the reasons she started school being able to read simple words despite being summer born. There is a big difference between 30 mins of ceebies and hours on YouTube.

Oh I remember being on holiday when DD1 was 2 and judging parents who lets their kids watch Tv at dinner as my child happily played with toys at the table and coloured in. 6 months later it was a whole different story and she needed familiarity and I just wanted to have a meal in piece. When we returned home we went straight back to meals at the table and no tablet and it was fine.

Thank you these are all really interesting responses.

@MrsPaperclip yes I agree, I definitely intend to try not to use them every time she needs distracting.

@Rotherweird good advice to take it a phase at a time

@NuffSaidSam really good point about parents not letting them learn to entertain themselves.

I think what you do as adults is quite key . Especially when the DC were young we wouldn’t use phones very much and for a while the tv was ‘broken’ and really enjoyed books together and doing loads of stuff. When DS was 10 we got him a games console as it’s nice for him to join his friends with it etc but we still have limits.
I think it’s actually good to let them get bored as that’s when they become resourceful, creative, interact etc, ours will entertain themselves on the piano , other music , reading, cycling , friends etc.
I do think it gets harder and I feel a hypocrite as often read too much on my phone etc now and want to go cold turkey on it when new baby born . I find it horribly addictive!

You can definitely avoid and restrict access when they're younger. My dd was only allowed an hour of telly a day (unless watching a film) until age 8-9.

I had no other tech in the home and she was not allowed on my phone (it never even occurred to me to let her watch anything on it tbh.)

When we went out I took activity books, colouring etc

It gets much harder once they start secondary though!! I held off as long as I could but she got her phone age 12yo and it was an onward battle from there on.

Nearly 2 year old DS has no access to phones, TVs or iPads either at our house or out and about. I have personally found blanket avoidance easier while he is little and has no concept of why too much of something can be a bad thing. If you introduce technology, you need to be prepared to set boundaries and stick to them. Quite frankly I find it easier to just have a zero tolerance policy while I still can and he doesn’t know what he is missing.

This will need to evolve when he gets older and it won’t be a blanket no forever, obviously. As mentioned above, I think it’ll need to be the sort of thing that is decided on depending on the phase you are in and what you can face at that time.

I think she won't expect a screen if you don't give her one.

My dc are now both at secondary but when they were little we had music and CDs in the car for journeys. Tv / screens was after 4pm only and only until 10 am on weekends / holidays. They both read lots and will disappear with a book or audio book for ages.

They both have laptops for homework now and will sometimes watch YouTube on there after school but it doesn't occur to them to get it out in the middle of the day.

TV is fine when everyone is tired and you need to get stuff done, ie the witching hour of 4-6 but if kids are bored / getting up to mischief then we would get outside for exercise and fresh air and they were generally calmer and happier afterwards. This is still true now.

My dc are 16 and 13 until the first lockdown gaming screen time was limited (hour a night on gaming, 4 hours at weekends) but tv wasn't...though YouTube was! Then lockdown hit and they used gaming to stay in touch with friends so I let it slide.
Now dd (13) goes on her tablet daily though usually to watch Disney + and ds (16) goes on the Xbox every evening for a couple hours and most of the day at weekends/school holidays.
I was getting worried that ds wouldn't be able to focus on revision for his GCSEs which start next month but he has been revising every day this holiday for 5-6 hours so I don't mind the gaming time so much (he has to come off it at 9)

You absolutely have to put effort in. Show them more activities than just automatically going to a screen. Think up different distractions for boring adult situations etc.

Also plenty of opportunity to entertain themselves rather than the options being you providing entertainment or screen. Don't let those two be the only options. Let them be bored sometimes, it's not the end of the world.

From school age or before it's good to encourage hobbies. Some people say one active, one creative and one more. I don't think that's helpful but I would definitely encourage/enforce some kind of non screen hobby. Whether it's a paid activity or just something you do at home.

Weirdly - embrace the utility of screens. If you just see them as passive child entertainers then that's what they'll learn to use them as. But a phone can be used to call grandma, or take a photo, even use an app to make stop motion animation. Computers can use image editing software or make creative projects like birthday cards, books or posters to print off. TV can be cartoons or you could watch documentaries and learn lots of interesting things. Games consoles can be a really fun family activity and some of them have active modes like the Wii sports type games.

And model... If you're always looking at a screen yourself, of course your child is going to copy that.

Before the teens hit, probably pre teen age, talk about the addictive nature of modern apps and how they are built to keep us coming back again and again for just one more scroll, just one more level, just one more like. If they know how these things work it helps them understand why they find them so addictive which can help them manage their own use a bit more.

My way of managing it is to allow screens but limit the time, without making it a battle.

I usually use them when I’m needing to cook dinner and DP is not home, it’s hard to manage two very lively preschoolers on my own whilst cooking or running the bath etc.

But what I’ll do is tell them “you can watch XYZ for 10 minutes then we’re doing XYZ”
(They don’t know what 10 mins is but you get my point). I preempt usage with a limit attached, that way it’s not just me taking it away for no reason, which feels like a punishment to them.

I try not worry about it too much, they’ve both learnt lots from watching nursery rhymes and things like The Wiggles. We watch them together and do our colours and shapes and counting etc. It doesn’t have to be mindless cartoons - but even those do have some benefit in terms of storytelling.

It’s a hard one and mine are only young so it could all change in 3 years but I find a pretend relaxed approach with clear slots for tablets and tv works so far.

Like anything in life, it’s moderation & being sensible. There is no need to go zero screens. TV is not the devil & nor are some decent educational apps etc. You’ll have more of a battle by overthinking it & being super strict.

I don’t have limits as such, I use my own common sense to moderate. These are things I do:

My kids wake up early. On a school day, they play together until 7ish & then I do breakfast. After breakfast, they watch TV for 45 minutes or so cos it makes my life 100x easier to get them dressed, teeth done, hair done while they are chilling.

On a weekend, I’m grumpy as hell that I’m up at 6am. So it’s film morning. We cuddle & watch a Disney or Pixar while I half dose until a more reasonable time in the morning 😂

TV is not on constantly while at home. That’s a firm no (although it was during lockdown 🥴). It’s on when I need to get something done, like lunch or tea or the washing. It’s on if we’ve been out all day & they are tired & need downtime. Otherwise it’s off & we play or draw etc.

They both have iPads. We use them on long journeys. We travel 5/6 hours in the car frequently to see family. Generally, the first couple hours they just listen to songs & chat. Then they get bored. For all our sakes, after we stop for a break, they can play games or watch TV for the rest of the journey. Similarly, we use them on flights. DD1 can’t read yet & DD2 is a toddler. Flights are boring. I read or browse my phone. Why should they sit there twiddling their thumbs? Drawing & stickers keeps them entertained for an hour or so but then what? Screens are fine to pass the time.

I have no battles with my kids at all. They accept that’s how we do life. They love to play & love to draw & love to get out the house. TV is just part of it. I don’t use it as punishment or reward etc. it’s just a thing in their lives that’s sometimes on & sometimes not..

DS is 21 months. He gets 30 minutes of TV a day but it's bus / train videos on YouTube that he likes. He doesn't have a tablet or access to my phone etc.
When we do car trips or plane journeys, he read books, plays with stickers, new toys, snacks.

@Daqqe I really like how you've summed it up there. It's in their lives and sometimes on and sometimes not. It sounds like you've taken the forbidden fruit and hence the battle aspect out of it. Because actually (and sorry about the drip feed of info here!) my mum didn't allow us to watch tv at all and it turned us into little junkies any time we did see a tv. So I've always wanted to have a more moderate approach. I'm just worried about the scale of things these days - when we were little it was the muppets and a few cartoons, now it's wall to wall Minecraft and YouTube!