3 year old behaviour with DH

[Despashito]

Our 3 year old daughter wants Daddy to do everything for her: get her dressed, brush her teeth, sit next to her. Everything.

I'm fine with this as she's not my first, I know that everything is just a phase and soon she'll be happy for me to do things for her again.

But, she's making all sorts of demands on him and it's making him late for work, makes him unable to do anything with our other children. It's affecting all of us. She's has awful tantrums for him, despite wanting him to do everything for her. He isn't the most proactive of parents when its comes to mental and emotional needs, so he just keeps reacting to her, giving in for a quiet life, being minorly proactive for a few minutes and then eventually, losing his shit and shouting at her. Even if he shouts at her, she won't let me console her, it has to be Daddy.

I don't condone him shouting at all, but this is getting really tough on him now. She tantrums for me at times, but not like she does for him and now she's taking up to an hour to get dressed in the morning because seems are annoying her, her vest is itchy, her dress is wrong, he's chosne the wrong socks and it's constant meltdowns. Tonight she was ordering him about to find her a new pillow. He's so laid back in nature that he's been giving in for so long and now he's telling her no, she's inconsolable for up to 2 hours sometimes.

She used to be attached to me constantly until she was around 2.5 and now it's all Daddy, but she's just playing up for him all the time. I've even questioned autism due to her complaints about how her bedding and clothes feel on her skin, but she definitely does this more with him. She's fine at nursery and fine for her grandparents.

I've asked him to do some research and reading up, asked him to come up with a bit of a plan to deal with this, but he tells me he's "on it" and he isn't.

Any ideas what's going on with this dynamic here and what on earth we can do about it? It's becoming unbearable for us all. I've suggested a praise/sticker chart which has worked in the past but he's seemingly too lazy to follow it through!!

Any one?

I wonder if his inconsistent parenting style is actually contributing to the clinginess. Kids tend to be clingier (anecdotal) when they don’t quite know what to expect from a parent and the attachment can be a bit insecure as a result.

Yes it could be that. He worked away last year for 3 months and it has been like this since he returned. Should have mentioned in my OP. But he returned home 1 year ago.

This morning, he pretended to go to work and waited upstairs and listened to how she behaves for me in comparison. He was shocked. It was like a switch had been flicked as she did everything I asked of her with no tantrums.

Definite inconsistent parenting and also at 3 this is not unusual to start testing. I wouldnt get preoccupied about autism as its not unusual to be quite tricky at this stage, my DD had to have specific socks or tights that had to be put on a particular way or she would freak, my DS hated wearing tight fitting trousers and hates tops with labels rubbing his back. He wears joggers as they are loose and comfy. If you start looking to diagnose the issue your not looking at the bigger picture. you have a father who isnt really proactive, gives into everything his 3yr old demands and allows himself to be late for work. This needs to stop. You both need to set clear boundaries and if she tantrums she tantrums. I bet your other kids are fed up with the whole situation. A 3yr old ruling the roost and getting both parents to do what she wants and tantrums and still gets what she wants

Kids are definitely more sensitive when they’re a bit stressed - we all are aren’t we? I’ve noticed my daughter will freak out about sock seams and it’s only recently I realised that’s because she’s actually anxious about the day ahead and putting on socks is the indicator of all of that happening. If she seems more sensitive with him, it could be that’s she’s already just that little bit more stressed so it pushes her over the edge (think shaking a bottle of coke until it blows)

I think you both need to agree on how you will handle the demands etc.

So if you need to "go back to basics" with her eg. The red t-shirt or the yellow t-shirt? And stick with her choice.

Watch out for the early tantrum signs, whatever they may be for DD. E.e.g her first sign might be trying to change the shirt colour after choosing.

Both be firm and consistent.

He needs to step up with his daughter, and realise he's here to help her Keane how to navigate through the world and her emotions. Not be there to follow orders from a wee one who doesn't actually know what she wants/needs in the grand scheme of things.