DP is annoying me postpartum - is this normal

[foxyfoxxxx1]

Baby is a few months old still really young. And DP is just annoying me lately I don’t know why

We’ve had some argument. Both quite sleep deprived but I do feel like I could have more help and that he doesn’t see motherhood as a job :/

It’s really bothering me the freedom he has and how he thinks we’ll you’re on maternity leave just do it. He is a good parent and does things but when I’m tired midweek and ask him to cover a bottle or 2 in the night he reminds me how he goes to work but I feel like I go to work too?

Is it normal to be irritated by partners post birth? I love him I’m just very short fused at the minute and we haven’t had any time together

Absolutely normal. I still feel the same sometimes over 1 year on.

He does need to value motherhood and realise how utterly exhausting it is.
I do think that it’s difficult to recognise this unless you've been through it.
Will he do night duty over the weekend?

Yep, I got the full on rage quite regularly around the 4 month sleep regression. You're both sleep deprived and it makes everything feel much worse. The best thing you can do is check what he's doing with a trusted friend for a bit of a sanity check to see if he's actually being unreasonable or it just feels it because you're so tired and hormonal.

If he is working the next morning and you are on May leave then I do think you are being a bit unreasonable.

The difference is that when the baby sleep you can sleep. I am assuming that his work does not allow nap times.

However, he should be relinquishing you of the sole burden of childcare when he comes home. And assisting with house work etc.
he should also contribute on nights where he is not working.

I don’t think I ever napped when baby napped!

...OK, if that choice worked for you great.

But if the Op is struggling with lack of sleep it's a good option to take. One that she has. Her partner does not (presumably)

The difference is that when the baby sleep you can sleep ha that never worked for me. Ever.

If Op wants to level the field she can return to work and then they can split nightfeeds

But if someone needs to drive and work and perform for their employer and support the family finically they need to sleep.

Sleep can be achieved at any time at home.

And I say that as someone who was so sleep deprived with DS1 I hallucinated because he had CMPI and we poisoned him for a year and he screamed every moment of those nights until we found out.

He does help weekends but he really struggles with settling DS like he doesn’t get it takes persistence and rocking etc. he says I know how to do it I’m his mother and scientifically I’m programmed to know these things but I let him know it’s not that, it was trial and error so I now know!!

I’ve only asked a handful of times during a weekday night, baby doesn’t nap unless on me in the day so I can’t sleep then I can’t even do housework :(

I don’t mean to sound sexist or excuse it? But he’s from nearly a fully male family. The only person who isn’t a male is his mother and she’s quite sexist if say. Insists women do all the work cook clean look after men, she still babies his 19 y/o brother. So part of me thinks he can’t empathise but he can’t even sympathise how hard motherhood is because his life is a painted picture by his mother of how women do it all and get on with it and men get fawned over forever !

Yep. Honestly most women I know fell out of love with the DP / DH for quite a while after childbirth.

We’re raised to believe we’re equals and that we’ll be equal parents, and it’s startling and upsetting to discover that your partner-for-life is actually a selfish incompetent who can’t soothe a child and sleeps through all the night wakings.

I would say it’s completely normal to be furious with your DH for much of the first year or two 😬

The question is whether you can forgive him for it and let it go. As I did every night waking for 4 years, and had zero lie-ins since dd was born, I promised myself an easy year once the youngest was at school. And I had it. Joined spa/gym, had a lot of leisurely lunches, and did not feel remotely guilty for sunbathing while DH was slogging it at the office. I didn’t sleep for more than 2 hrs in a row for years. Now it’s my turn to rest.

Every relationship finds its own balance.

I also felt like this. I got recommended this book but as a new mum, i haven't found time to read it yet... www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1784754773/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?tag=mumsnetforu03-21&ie=UTF8&qid&sr

I was very similar a few months in. Breastfeeding so doing all the night wakes and partner working but would help when he was home. It is so hard but its also totally normal to feel like u have it hardest and to want more help. Motherhood is relentless 24/7, going to work, while yes still working is almost a break in some ways, you get to go to the loo when u want, u arnt attached to another human all day (also contact napped so I feel your pain), you get a lunch hour not a 5 min sandwich grab.

I broke down on my husband several times asking for more help and feeling awful because I knew he was working and also still helping out when he was home but eventually we have now worked out a rythem where we both get to put ourselves first sometimes. That was the key for us, not necessarily helping with jobs although that is part of it, but each allowing the other to say actually I need a break (even if just to have a long bath or take a nap) and us working out a way to make that happen. Baby is 10 months old now and it is a little easier as he no longer needs a contact nap (although that's literally what I'm doing right now as he has his first virus and won't sleep otherwise) but honestly half the weekend is still taken up by us catching up on sleep while the other watches the baby and finding a way to keep on top of housework.

Long post sorry but wanted u to know u are not alone, yes you are entitled to want and need more help and a frank discussion about eachothers needs and real focus on making it happen are probably what's needed. Also possibly discuss how you are happy to raise baby, e.g. for us contact naps stopped working about 6 months in, I needed to be me for a little while not mum so we worked hard to get him in the cot but he also wasn't ready until then. Make sure you are on the same page about how to manage your needs along with babies.

Sounds pretty normal - not excusing him or anything just saying it’s not unusual
You’re both sleep deprived, your hormones are still all over the place and unless you have been the main carer of a baby it’s very hard to realise how physically and mentally exhausting it is
Now I’m assuming he goes to work and has to perform 100% - I could never nap while my baby did… but what eventually worked for us was, I took a nap at 6-7pm for at least 30 mins, in occasions 1:30 - that way I was not exhausted, DH got mostly to sleep during the night, and Saturday nights were his turn with baby… I got extra napping/baby free time during the weekend, so maybe try that?

@foxyfoxxxx1

He does help weekends but he really struggles with settling DS like he doesn’t get it takes persistence and rocking etc. he says I know how to do it I’m his mother and scientifically I’m programmed to know these things but I let him know it’s not that, it was trial and error so I now know!!

I’ve only asked a handful of times during a weekday night, baby doesn’t nap unless on me in the day so I can’t sleep then I can’t even do housework :(

I don’t mean to sound sexist or excuse it? But he’s from nearly a fully male family. The only person who isn’t a male is his mother and she’s quite sexist if say. Insists women do all the work cook clean look after men, she still babies his 19 y/o brother. So part of me thinks he can’t empathise but he can’t even sympathise how hard motherhood is because his life is a painted picture by his mother of how women do it all and get on with it and men get fawned over forever !

I’d put your foot down now if I were you, or you’re going to go well beyond annoyed with him and into the territory of seething resentment by the time you’re back at work and he’s still expecting you to do everything.

@AskingforaBaskin - The difference is that when the baby sleep you can sleep. I am assuming that his work does not allow nap times.

But who does that??! Most mums don't.

Op, your h should be doing his share at weekends and when he gets in from work. You should have the same amount of leisure time too.

@Neverreturntoathread

Yep. Honestly most women I know fell out of love with the DP / DH for quite a while after childbirth.

We’re raised to believe we’re equals and that we’ll be equal parents, and it’s startling and upsetting to discover that your partner-for-life is actually a selfish incompetent who can’t soothe a child and sleeps through all the night wakings.

I would say it’s completely normal to be furious with your DH for much of the first year or two 😬

The question is whether you can forgive him for it and let it go. As I did every night waking for 4 years, and had zero lie-ins since dd was born, I promised myself an easy year once the youngest was at school. And I had it. Joined spa/gym, had a lot of leisurely lunches, and did not feel remotely guilty for sunbathing while DH was slogging it at the office. I didn’t sleep for more than 2 hrs in a row for years. Now it’s my turn to rest.

Every relationship finds its own balance.

👏👏👏👏

[quote springtimeishereagain]**@AskingforaBaskin* - The difference is that when the baby sleep you can sleep. I am assuming that his work does not allow nap times.*

But who does that??! Most mums don't.

Op, your h should be doing his share at weekends and when he gets in from work. You should have the same amount of leisure time too.[/quote]
Has a pole been taken?

Most mothers I know do.
It was drilled into me by the mothers around me. To prioritise sleep and the housework will be there later.

‘Sleep when the baby sleeps’ isn’t an option for everyone. Not all babies are compatible with it for one thing. I couldn’t do it with my first despite desperately trying; I could have done with my second who was a better n’aller, but by then I had a non-napping toddler around.

‘Sleep when somebody else takes the baby for a while’ works better, if you have a somebody else available to do it.

It’s not about housework (why is MN so obsessed with housework!)

Half the time when the baby sleeps it’s in the pram, sling, car seat, being held. Somewhere when you can’t sleep!

Plus for several months it’s very normal for them to have cat naps anyway. So you’ve just closed your eyes then they are awake again - IF they let you put them down in the first place!

OK so the baby won't sleep. Again I am agonisingly familiar with that.
But unfortunately when one's role is at home and another's is at work with a boss and obligations the playing field is not level.

OP can go back to work, have her DP commence his parenting leave or look into other avenues.
But having the sole breadwinner potentially risk the income is not a sensible choice for most.

Oh yes, completely normal!

But having the sole breadwinner potentially risk the income is not a sensible choice for most.

He really isn’t going to risk his income by pitching in to settle his own child sometimes.

It is amazing the number of dads who cannot possibly cope with their job if they have anything less than 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep and a relaxing evening, yet when mums go back to work after may leave somehow we all manage to hold down our jobs…

@GoldenOmber

But having the sole breadwinner potentially risk the income is not a sensible choice for most.

He really isn’t going to risk his income by pitching in to settle his own child sometimes.

It is amazing the number of dads who cannot possibly cope with their job if they have anything less than 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep and a relaxing evening, yet when mums go back to work after may leave somehow we all manage to hold down our jobs…

You can't say that. Some people drive for work or make considerable journeys. So sleep deprivation could have very real and immediate consequences.

Having a baby is teamwork but it is also really horrific at times. And nothing is even in these early days. I found it better thinking of it as marathon that we had to work together to complete. Or rather survive the first year.

I never let my DH off anything. But I did take into account his struggles and his burden.

We were guilty of the race to the bottom argument more than once. But looking back I am glad with how we managed to make it work.

#3 went smoother than 1 or 2.

I also specifically said to get the help when he comes home and that if OP goes back to work to split the night shifts.

But she is not at work. She is at home. Which is awful and lonely and exhausting. But does not have the same demands as an employer.

Some people drive for work or make considerable journeys. So sleep deprivation could have very real and immediate consequences.

And some of those people are mums, who are just expected to get on with it if we sometimes get less than 8 hours of sleep. The OP has said she’s only asked him to pitch in on weekday nights a handful of times - do you really think he can’t be expected to manage even that?