Breastfeeding Grief...

[KimyaJ]

Sorry for this wall of text

I fully intended to BF my baby, and was pretty confident after pre-expressing a fuckton of colostrum before birth

I had a section and couldn’t BF straight away as I was shaking-my OH had her in skin to skin and at the end of the ‘golden hour’ she was placed on my chest for feeding

After the first feed I was a bit shocked that my nipple was mashed
Infant feeding midwife came later when I was feeding from other boob and checked latch-all good and gave more tips

Later that night had a horrendous time with the midwives- my baby was crying but she appeared to have fed adequately, and had syringe after syringe of colostrum-she just seemed upset rather than hungry.
Whilst on the postnatal; ward they repeatedly interfered, on one occasion baby being snatched from my arms whilst they shouted at me to express some colostrum to entice her-I already had! The grabbing my nipple and shoving it in the baby’s mouth started- I was chastised for recoiling when baby bit down on my nipple and told it was a good latch. I asked for some advice on feeding next day and again they repeatedly drove my nipple into the baby’s mouth. My nipples and areola were cut, bruised and bleeding by the time I was discharged later that day.

Muddled through at home…appeared to be going well. However second week baby at breast pretty much continually for 12 hours straight. I was knackered. At day 10 hadn’t regained birth weight MW said latch good. At 14 days told to give formula top ups-told no need to express as long as I offered baby breast first supply would be protected, told to give 6 x 90mls a day. Cue a baby vomiting and screaming from overfeeding.

Paid a private lactation consultant who identified poor latch-gave tips for adjustment.

I have very pendulous huge boobs with downward pointing nipples and had a baby with abnormally good gross motor skills who was lurching about, getting arms in way etc -it was in no way like the stupid videos they show you where a placid baby opens their little mouth like a lever.

Said could either just BF baby or give top ups to get MW off back about weight.

Next day explained to MW about latch problem and said had stopped formula top ups- they were not happy at all and said I had 72 hours to get baby’s weight up. I asked could I loan a double pump, could I see an infant feeding specialist- told not available.

I was struggling in the night to try to latch baby with the new techniques that I had only just learnt, and was ending up with no sleep at all. Husband found me and baby crying one evening as I’d dropped her in the crib having no co-ordination from being deliriously sleep deprived-I’d literally slept for 1 hour in 48 hours. Agreed we had to do something and under pressure from MW who phoned I agreed to start topping up at night.

Gave her a 90ml bottle after cluster feeding about 10-11pm, didn’t attempt to latch in night but pumped for 20-30 minutes whilst giving her 90mls about 2am, and then fed from breast otherwise. Did some expressing too and fed that to her.

Over next 1.5 weeks put on about 100g every 3 days, and then when we went a week between weigh ins found she had dropped weight again- she was 5.5 weeks old by this point.

I had thought she had got more efficient and the breast- up until just a few days prior she had always been sleeping well after feeds, generally settled. In the preceding 72 hours I’d stopped formula and given her expressed milk only as I feared she had a CMPA as she had got a lot more fussy in the evening and having lots of loose stool- she was still having at least 170mls from bottle in a 24 hr period. I was sent to paediatrics with her, she had abnormal liver enzymes but wasn’t jaundiced. I was told she either had a rare metabolic storage disorder or it was a problem with breastfeeding. To be fair a really gentle consultant came to speak to me after some initial poor interactions with a rather brusque doctor who totally misunderstood and thought I’d only been feeding my child 170-180mls in 24 hours. The consultant gave me advice about top ups and said didn’t care if it was EM or cows milk but she needed to put weight on and fast.
I was tortured that my baby had reached this point and felt I’d starved her, and basically ended up throwing formula down her. MW handed over to Hv who I cried at that I had unwittingly starved my baby. She was nice and lo and behold told me I could access an infant feeding specialist and have a free double pump loaned. Baby began putting on weight with formula-but I was feeding her more than I could express.

Specialist visited at 6 weeks old and I was given yet more latch advice and told to triple feed. I was cracking under the strain of this…I was trying to latch baby again correctly an do biological nurturing etc- baby was just crying her eyes out, latching then dropping off, and I ended up just expressing and giving combination of EBM/formula bottles. When the specialist came again she was honestly perplexed, saw how distressed baby was and essentially told me it was ok not to persist and there was a lot more to mothering than feeding. My supply was about 500mls/24 hours so not a full one.

Paid private lactation consultant to come back and she identified baby was not suck and swallowing properly, not maintaining suction– difficult for me to assess as I could never actually see her feeding under my breast-another reason it was difficult to latch her. She told me baby had developed bottle preference; she reckoned weight loss had been a combination of baby becoming less efficient at breast and my supply petering out due to top ups at night. She have me advice on if I wanted to keep feeding at breast, said it was ridiculous to send an infant feeding specialist at the 6 week point as just too little too late from the service. However she said she wondered how far I wanted to take it and told me it was going to be incredibly hard to bring it back from this point, if possible at all.

I made some half hearted attempts to continue to latch but eventually decided to stop and express into bottles and top up with formula. This went well for about 4 weeks, but then became more difficult to express so regularly and my already deficient supply began to drop again.
At this point baby is 14 weeks and I can only express 150mls in 24 hours currently-I’m considering having a ‘pumping holiday’ and getting my parents to come for a few days to upregulate my supply again.
However I’m also just wracked with guilt and grief-I look at my beautiful baby and can’t countenance how I have failed her. I found some leaflets when putting stuff away about breastfeeding and giving baby the best start and I’m heartbroken I couldn’t do it for her. I look at BF mums with envy.
I try to console myself-bottle feeding is at least for me way more cuddly and lovely than BF ever was and now I can actually have some rest. She is now thriving and since they reckon the liver enzyme was just an immature liver-nothing to do with feeding- and its resolving by itself. I should be so happy with my lovely baby but I’m so sorry for her that she has such a shit mum.
She smiles and goos for her dad and hardly ever smiles at me-I feel like I’ve broken our bond.
I also through all this swung from being hypothyroid to crashingly hyperthyroid then hypothyroid again.
My GP did refer me to the perinatal mental health team but I wasn’t severe enough for them-I withdrew my referral. I’m thinking of asking for an anti-depressant or CBT though as I can’t get this out of my head. I will have days go by though where I’m enjoying her and life and then suddenly it just sucker punches me again and I’m crying.
I don’t know what I’m looking for really, but it feels good to let it all out anyway.

Awh @kimja I hear you. I feel you. It is the hardest job ever and that is even when everything goes well. I fell short (by a good bit) of my year mikstone to feed, i was devastated. I was so determined with my second after what I seen as failing with my first, to met that year. I fed her for an even shorter period of time. I was wrecked with guilt for ages. They are now 5 and 3 and look back and am proud of what I did do. Most of the guilt is now gone. I can see the hard work I did put in and am proud of that. You are grieving the imagined feeding times you would have with your baby, the way your life would be. Add in the hormones, the stress of not doing what is best as it is pushed on us from all angles not a bit of wonder you feel as you do. Listen to the hv who told you there is more to being a mum than feeding. You will regret not just enjoying your baby and time with your baby, more than you will ever regret how they are fed. They will get to 3 like mine and survive on beans, cheese and chocolate, after all the tears and blood and sweat I put into breast feeding and baby led weaning and veg before sugar etc. They will all do OK in the end! I can't look at the kids in my 5 year olds class and tell who was breast fed or not (my dd is actually one of the first to always fall ill and she was fed for 9 months). Please go easy on yourself. It is time to allow yourself a break now, if that is how you are feeling.

I've been there. I hear you. I know how it feels. Triple feeding, low supply, grief, fear you as a result aren't bonding properly. It's a lot and it isnt talked about enough. I formula fed exclusively after 12 weeks when I couldn't face the continual intervention of "give top ups"/"now wean off top ups"/"no shes losing weight, give top ups again". Eventually a very kind and very lovely lactation consultant told me that if I needed permission to stop, I could have it. I'd tried hard enough. I was a better mum to my baby from that day onwards. I still find it hard - my husband says he can see me withdraw into myself every time a friend is round feeding her baby - but I don't regret it and I wouldnt change it now. So if you need someone to tell you it's ok that you stopped - this is me telling you! It's ok and your bond with your daughter will not be affected. Sending lots of love - I know how hard it is.

Unfortunately it's so common and usually down to poor attachment which is not your fault or the babies fault. Better support in hospital and after care would make all the difference. You have done the best you can for you and your baby. Be proud of how hard you have worked to feed your baby whilst dealing with the baby, lack sleep and hormones.

You poor thing. You've tried so hard and you clearly love your baby so very much, that's what she needs. My own experience of breastfeeding was so difficult that I couldn't even contemplate it for my second baby. Give yourself time to recover physically and emotionally, you've been through a lot and you are doing so well. Your baby loves and needs you, they often give other people more smiles etc as they almost see their primary caregiver as part of themselves, I think, so try not to focus on that. Be kind to yourself.

I had a huge message of support typed which disappeared but basically autienotnaughtie has it summed up.

It's not your fault. It's very common.

Huge hugs from me.

Hi OP, you are an amazing mum and you will realise it later. Your baby already had all the colostrum and all the bm goodness.

I was also desperate to breastfeed and seeing my sister with her 4 kids how easy it was I couldn't imagine I will not be able to do it (long story). I'm now exclusively expressing and the freezer is full, although at the beginning I hardly had enough for her feeds. This is what I did:

1. Hospital grade pump, I'm renting mine from Medela. Pumping bra, so I can be hands free. (made a huge difference)

1. Sleep. I was surprised that after just a few hours sleep I made more milk than before. And don't skip the nights, in the night we make much more milk. A hot shower warming up your body and the breasts also helps. Stay relaxed.

1. What made the biggest difference is the tea. I have checked the ingrediens on the lactation teas available on the market and read up on the ingredients. I made my own mix, fenungreek, fennel, milk thistle and cumin seeds simmered for few minutes. I drink a few cups a day.

I'm still upset that I cannot breastfeed but at least it makes me feel better that baby has all the breast milk and no need for topup. I pump 5 times a day but trying to reduce to 4 times.

This is what worked for me, but I understand we are all different. The main thing is a fed baby, happy mum. X

You did not fail your baby.
The system failed you.

No grief - just formula feed.

At this stage and in your circumstances now, you and your baby need to enjoy feeds and be at peace with each other over feeding, rather than being under stress.

I have been there and gave up on BF and went for formula - MW insisted as she was so scrawny. I wept, I grieved, thought I was a failure and got very upset. But then reason kicked in: BF was sadly not working through no-one's fault; she had had the colostrum which is the vital bit; she was getting distressed at feeds and I owed it to her to make these happy times; some people formula feed from day one - at least I had given it my best shot etc. etc.

We never looked back - I got a bit of sleep and my nipples were given the chance to heal; baby thrived and was a happy little soul. There is no doubt it was the right decision for both of us.

Just for reassurance, I was able to BF my next 2 babies till over 12 months with no problems.

Stop putting yourself through this misery and do not feel bad. Sometimes doing the right thing is not what we expected it to be. At this stage it is more important for you to be able to relax with your baby, for yours and baby's sake.

Ah @KimyaJ I've been there too, and felt the intense grief and guilt when I had to stop breastfeeding at 6 weeks due to lack of weight gain, hospital admissions, midwives telling me I was missing feeding cues and wasn't feeding often enough (despite baby being glued to me for hours and hours at a time).

Switched to formula one day after reaching breaking point and baby thrived and I thrived as a mother...better rested, not so touched out as DH and family could help with feeds. Everyone was better off.

Ironically, once I stopped feeding my GP, health visitor and a senior midwife all told me that it was unlikely I'd be able to breastfeed anyway because I'd had a huge post partum haemorrhage and was severely anaemic. Funny not a single person mentioned that it could be an issue while I was actually trying and failing to breastfeed

Rarely post on Mumsnet but I had to reply to this as your post was giving me flashbacks to my own experience. I had great plans, assumed I'd be able to breastfeed provided I worked hard at it, expressed colostrum before etc but it just didn't work out.
It started okayish but my baby never had a good latch (despite all the midwives saying it looked okay) and it was always sore and my baby would fall asleep after moments on the boob. After 3.5 weeks I had some health issues (mastitis and thrush) that made the pain even worse and it got to the point where he would be feeding most of the day but when he was weighed he'd dropped weight really dramatically and we were told to go straight to hospital to get him checked out.
Anyway, long story short we got put on formula topups (I couldn't face pumping with my shredded nipples) which helped him put weight on but he became increasingly difficult to breastfeed as he obviously wasn't getting enough and the bottle was easier for him so I decided to stop and go completely on formula after a night of sobbing in agony while trying to feed my baby. Initially I felt relief at the decision but once I'd had a bit of sleep and my boobs recovered a little the guilt was unreal. I honestly don't think I've cried as much about anything in my life as I have about my failure to breastfeed.

BUT my baby is now 6 months and I can honestly say I now feel almost completely fine about it. After my nipples healed a bit I pumped 4x a day to give him a single bottle a day as it helped enormously with my guilt. He didn't need it but it made me feel better. I have just stopped with the pumping this week. I was determined to get to 6 months with that, it was a totally arbitrary thing I'd decided but it helped me to achieve one of my feeding goals in some way I think. He absolutely thrived on formula and I actually found bottle feeding much nicer than the traumatic latching sessions like you say and it does give you flexibility etc which is nice.

I still feel weepy when I see other mums breastfeeding though and I will never get a doctor saying "oh gosh he's so skinny" out of my head (she was otherwise lovely but that's not what a mum who's been trying to breastfeed frantically for a month wants to hear). I'm actually getting teary just typing that! So I just wanted to say it's totally normal to feel this grief and even some envy of others. Let yourself feel the feels but also remind yourself that science milk will do the same as what your milk will do. And now you get to look into your baby's eyes while they feed! You 100% won't have affected your bond with her, babies just want to be fed and cuddled and you can do that with a bottle.

I would recommend reading the book:

Why breastfeeding grief and trauma matter. By Amy Brown

Sending hugs, and you sound like you're a great mum and your daughter is so lucky to have you.

So sorry, this whole experience sounds utterly traumatic for you and I would definitely support your idea to access support or counselling or similar. You’ve had a very very rough start to mothering this baby and you need some time and space and kindness to put yourself back together.
Lots of people here are talking about their similar experiences and I think that’s probably really helpful to you. My sister had a horrible start to feeding her first, nothing like as prolonged as yours, but hard and upsetting for her, and switched to bottle. Second time around she bottle fed from day one and thoroughly enjoyed it. I think a massive part of it is the physical stress of all the distressing feeding sessions and the emotional stress of the worry and the different and often unhelpful interventions of professionals. I have breastfed my two and felt lucky it went smoothly as after my sister’s experience I’d kind of imagined it probably wouldn’t. But what I would say is that feeding sessions for her children were actually slightly more lovely and bonding as doing a bottle takes both hands and so she would typically look at her babies and ‘chat’. Bf’ing when it goes well can be done with one or no hands and so (to my guilt) I am most usually scrolling on my phone or similar. Also, for her she was able to share the feeding with her husband and grandparents and so she was much more well supported and rested than I am. I actually wanted to try a bit of a mixed feeding approach this time round for that reason but it hasn’t worked out because baby has severe CMPA and has reacted really poorly to the formulas prescribed. So I am now dairy free and doing every single feed. This weekend I’ve had a really horrible tummy bug with D and V and I’d have given my right arm for someone else to be able to do a feed (particularly night) but it’s all on me. I need to get myself together to express but I find it so unpleasant and hard work and a burden on my non-existent time that I’ve been avoiding.
Anyway, all this is just to say that, while I absolutely and totally understand the grief of this being so a horrible start and it not being in your choice or control, that actually I think there are lots of benefits of bottle feeding. My sister’s children are both huge, healthy, happy, clever and have a gorgeous bond with the mum and dad. My children are hopefully going to be the same. And like others have said, once the chaos of toddler eating arrives, all this does fade. Or the worry about the feeding fades but the horrible way you’ve been treated by some professionals might linger and I think that’s maybe the harder memory to shift.
You sound like an absolutely devoted mum who has gone way way above and beyond to do your best for your baby. And you deserve to feel proud of yourself, x

First sending you massive virtual hugs! Second your not a shit a mum!

Unfortunately bf can be extremely difficult especially with delays in the right support and unseen aspects such as babies latch. Add in stress lack of sleep and worry about weight gain and it effects your mental health and your physical health including milk production.

I am a firm believer in the phrase content mum content baby and vice versa. From speaking to mums who bottle feed many feel the need to justify because bf is seen as the "right thing to do" and that's because of govt targets to improve bf rates. There simply isn't the right level of support however and sadly women are left feeling that bits their fault if it doesn't work which is so untrue.

I bf but my first nothing prepared me for the realities of feeding issues that I had with him. He had a extreme tongue tie, was in neonatal unit and I had delayed milk due to stress of it all. I was lucky I saw the infant feeding team quickly, and had a very supportive HV and a nct bf support worker who sat in my house for 2 hours in the early days and helped along with breast pump hire from the hospital to aid my supply.

More needs to be done to support women but also give them some of the scenarios prior to prepare them and tell them things which can help such as multimam compresses, nipple shields, balm and not just say it only hurts for first 10 seconds. Both baby and mum need to learn and it doesn't always work it's nobodies fault for that. Stress plays a big factor in milk production unfortunately HCP have set no of day targets before they start piling things on which stresses mum out and it becomes a viscious cycle. I became a milk donor with my first (over supply after all the pumping) and used to give some frozen milk to friends with newborns so that they had the pressure taken off them and they then establish feeding in their own time.

Definitely seek support for your trauma but you most definitely haven't failed.

Thank you so much for all your supportive messages, I was overwhelmed. Especially to those who had similar experiences, I so value you sharing.

I have previously bought and tried to read the book by Amy Brown but ended in tears every time and couldn't tolerate it-I have read the chapter on how to heal from your own journey .

I've decided to stop pumping- I did also have the goal of pumping to 6 months but my supply has dwindled so much it would take a big effort to get it back and I don't have it in me anymore. I was pumping at night, but just one skipped night a week or day out has a pretty catastrophic effect on my supply. I feel like packing up the pumping gear and calling it a day will be a relief. I really also think the sleep at night will be more beneficial, which brings me to my next point.

I accepted that I probably have a bit of PND... I spoke to my GP, started sertraline, bought some CBT workbooks and have an assessment for counselling (but not till June).

My daughter is still under paediatrics and still has some abnormal blood results although thankfully they are normalising...she is going for a scan and more bloods. They now seem to think that she may have lost weight due to having a viral hepatitis at the time...I don't think I'll ever get final answers to be honest but at least I can accept now that it was a perfect storm of different factors and not just my fault.

Aw Kimya. I had such a shit time attempting to BF twice with my older two, your story so resonated.

I BF my third child for 2.5 years after all of that hardship I really, really wanted it.

But you know what my kids are older now and they are all doing well and that is what will happen for you too.

Do grieve of you need too, it was obviously something that was incredibly important that you had to give up on but allow yourself all the good stuff too. Put limits on the grief. There is so much good stuff about FF too. Just enjoy your baby, that is so, so important. You made this baby, you gave this baby your milk for a time and now you will continue on that path to nurture that beautiful baby for the rest of their life. I absolutely promise you that given time this will become only a half a page in your version of the story of their life.

The NHS is absolutely *#@! (and I mean really &%!#) at breastfeeding support. It’s not your fault.

@KimyaJ I'm sorry. I can sympathise! I had a similar experience after a forceps delivery, my body went into shock and it took almost longer to stitch me up then the birth. I was shaking so hard so none thought it was safe to let me hold my baby. That's cutting a very long story short.

My baby latched fine (supposedly), I pumped, drank the fucking teas, ate the stupid cookies and all other "helpful" foods. I never pumped more than 20-30ml in 24hrs. My body decided saving itself so that it could take care of my baby was more important than milk production. My Family is full of doctors all of them couldn't believe it at first but when they saw me trying to bf then pump after and saw how little I was producing, they sort of strong armed me into getting DS on formula. That saved two lives. His and mine.

It took me a long long long long time to deal with the grief and bond properly. I'd say I started getting better at 8-9 months. Now at 18months I can say "I love my baby" and mean it. But I couldn't say it for a long time. I didn't know how to enjoy him without thinking of all that we went through together. Glad you are getting meds. They helped me. Plus sleep training at 8 months.