Encouragement for a FTM

[Newmummy2225]

Hi all

I’m a FTM to a 9 week old baby girl. By all accounts, she’s not what could be described as a difficult baby, but for whatever reason I’m not really enjoying this new way of life.

Let me say that admitting this makes me feel all kinds of guilty and ashamed as she was very much wanted after 6 years of TTC & 2 rounds of IVF!

My husband works away for 6 weeks at a time and he’s been away since she was 6 weeks old. I do have plenty support around me if needed, but I just feel so trapped and lonely, especially in the evenings when we are home for the night :(. One of the problems is I just don’t know what to do with her when she’s awake! I talk to her, sing to her, she sits happily under her play gym etc, but I still feel like I’m not doing enough. She is a decent napper, but then I worry if she naps too much during the day she won’t sleep at night!

When I take her anywhere during the day I get an anxious knot in my stomach worrying in case she cries, which I KNOW is silly as most people understand that babies cry!

So I guess my question is, did anyone else feel like this in the beginning and overcome these feelings? If so, when do you feel you turned a corner?

Having a baby is a massive change to your life and it takes time to get used to it. It is a bit ironic that when you become a parent you get a child who is the most needy they will ever be. As time goes on they sleep better, feed more easily and become more independent.
Do you go to any baby groups or meet up will other mums. I found that the easiest way to get out and about in the early days.
It does get easier, by I can’t pin point a time, it just slowly gets more enjoyable.

First time mum over here and only a few days in and I feel exactly the same! No words of wisdom but just to say you’re not alone, hopefully it will all get better at some point and I’m sure you’re doing an amazing job, especially on your own! Keep going x

I felt exactly like this too.
I did have post partum depression though, which may or may not be relevant? Worth a chat with the gp if you think it might be a factor.

Otherwise things that helped-getting out as much as possible.
Dividing the day Into AM, PM and evening. So maybe a baby group in the morning, food shop afternoon, phone a friend in the evening or watch a certain show.
Every morning/afternoon had a planned activity.

Meeting other mums! Baby social groups etc are a bit mixed but worth persevering. It only takes 1 or 2 genuine connections to make a difference.

In terms of interacting with the baby, it will get easier as she becomes more animated. Sing, chat, massage etc but don't put pressure on yourself to engage with them every second they're awake.

And accept help if it is offered! You deserve to do things you enjoy, not just stuff for the baby!

You're doing great. Mines 5 months and at the start they don't really play and literally lie there kicking etc. I just talk to my lo when I'm doing things or just sit with him showing him things when he was on the play mat. He recently really started to play more which is lovely and when the smiles come more often it's a whole new amazing ball game and you get so much back.

Sleeping wise at that ages and even now, I never really found longer naps and daytime sleep effected nighttime sleep but that might just be me.

You're doing great and it gets so much easier and more fun pretty quickly but I couldn't see it when I was in it.

Thank you all, you are all lovely!

I do take her to baby sensory and generally try to go somewhere every day, even if it’s just to the shops, but then I dread getting home and having the evening to fill. That sounds awful, I know! I do love her to pieces, she’s so cute and is so smiley now, I’m just overwhelmed some days and I guess today is one of those days!

It doesn't sound awful @newmummy2225 it sounds normal I felt exactly the same. Once they are older babies/ toddlers it gets easier (in some ways )

Mines 14 weeks but 8 weeks corrected and sometimes worry I am not doing enough with her. But they don't really interact at that age. I try to get out as much as possible. Whether that be seeing friends or family or to baby classes. If I don't have any plans I take her for a walk to the shops etc. If I am doing housework I leave the TV on for her even if she can't see it and can only hear it i figure it's language development.

I sing to her and sometimes dance with her in my arms and play on the playmat

That's it really can be kind of boring. Try to keep busy though

Yes I leave her in front of the tv when I need to get stuff done and she’s normally quite content!

Thanks again all :)

I completely relate to how you feel! It’s so lonely having a newborn - they are really cute and of course you love them. BUT they are terrible company! Toddlers are loads more fun. I had mine in lockdown and DH was on the front line working crazy hours so I was alone with her a lot. It was tough filling the days and wondering how to ‘do enough’ with her. I can only tell you that it gets easier. DD is now my little best mate - so funny and such great company. I absolutely love being a mum. It is tiring and hard work at times but it is by far the greatest joy I have ever experienced. And I’m expecting my second, so willing to do it all over again!

@Bancha that is really encouraging, thank you!! There is no way I’d consider a second right now, but I guess these days are easily forgotten or nobody would have more than one! Haha!

At 9 weeks I’d just do what you want of an evening, I just used to watch what I wanted on tv, baby could feed, nap, lay on the floor if she was wriggly.

Can I recommend you find some low energy hobbies - crosswords, knitting, drawing etc. You can do it while she is asleep and helps you feel you have something for yourself, distracts you and gives your brain something (dare i say it) interesting to engage in. I drew a lot when mine was little, i couldn't do anything brain based because i was too tired but drawing was perfect for me and quick enough to pick and put down. Audiobooks and podcasts also allow you to listen to interesting things when you're washing up etc - calling friends is also good. Some gentle yoga or whatever is a great way to connect with your body again - there are loads of 10 minute videos out there.

Having a baby can be dull and lonely. You're doing great. If it doesn't seem to improve then call you GP.

I felt like this OP!

My DP was working away from home for the first year and honestly looking back I can barely remember it now (13 years ago!).

I wish there had been podcasts/Netflix etc back then 😀.

The change of life is a shocker but it does get easier in some ways once they’re in a good routine.

@pennysays you’re totally right! I’m into true crime podcasts, so I should stick in my earphones and listen to them when I can!

@Ballsaque thank you! Good to know you barely remember the hard baby days! I’m sure I’ll soon forget also when I’m chasing her around the house haha!

With my first i felt anxious that i needed to be doing something with him - helping him to develop etc. My 4th child was often in the background shouting for attention as i was busy with the others doing homework etc. the lack of close attention hasn’t done her any harm at all. She is a happy 3 year old now.

And the way you feel now is very normal and nothing to be ashamed of. It is often very boring, lonely and frustrating minding children all day! I love my children but I absolutely love having a break from them! My dream is sitting alone in a coffee shop browsing on my phone - not listening to crying and kids fighting and shouting for snacks.

I hated the baby days. My 11 yo is bloody brilliant but I'm not a baby person. So you get through it.

I think much sought after, hard won babies of parents who desperately wanted to be parents have a particular emotional burden for mums. I knew I wanted a small person around but I expected it to be hard and I didn't yearn or try particularly hard to get her.

IVF babies are every bit as hard work as 'oops' babies but with so much added guilt and angst. Forget all that. Listen to your podcasts, do stuff that makes you happy, wait for the stage when they get more interesting! And watch for PND.

My advice is to find some church playgroups or sure starts if your area has them. Get out of the house. It's for you as much as the baby.

Nobody will bay an eye if she cries!
I have a three year old and a 20 month old. There's a lady at one of my groups with a baby of only a few weeks old. I absolutely love giving him cuddles while she gets a coffee or goes to the toilet. I am sure a lot of women would say the same!
It'll do you so much good to have the chance to chat with other mums.

@SuperSleepyBaby thank you! I am looking forward to having some respite when hubby gets home! I am not one to ask for help from others, but I know I should more often to get a breather!

@MrsTerryPratchett yes, exactly! The guilt I feel for being overwhelmed is real because I wanted her for so long! Some days I want to fast forward a few months and others I want time to slow down! What a mind messing game this is haha!

@Liverbird77 yes I do need to source more groups and be around other mums and babies! Thank you!

Yes! You’re describing exactly how I felt… and you’re basically solo parenting! What a star!

I can’t tell you what will happen for you, but for me it has got loads better since about 4mo. They can do so much more and I just found my groove. 6-12 weeks was really hard for me, I’m so impressed you’re even able to stand doing it alone.

I can really see just how much you love your LO just in the way you write this post. It’s okay to not love (or even like) all of it… I look back and know the newborn baby phase wasn’t for me.

Just do what you need to do to survive, have good friends, go for walks, take them to baby groups like you are… my baby has cried at all sorts and honestly, no one minded and my new friends were able to help.

Sending hugs! Keep surviving!

@Orangepen13 this is such a lovely post, thank you!

It’s really not easy doing it alone and I do have bad nights where I cry and feel sorry for myself, but then I think - god, there are single mums out there doing this, so I can cope for 6 weeks surely!

It’s so encouraging to know I’m not an alien and not everyone enjoys the newborn phase! Thank you for your kind response x

Just wanted to pop back over here and say that since I posted this just 2 short weeks ago, my DD has been getting into a much better routine. She is now taking bigger feeds and therefore only having 6 feeds in 24 hours compared to 8-10 previously.

She is also going to her bed around 8/8.30 every night and sleeping a solid 6/7.5 hours before waking for a feed.

She is also just generally more aware of her surroundings and is happy for most of the day (unless hungry or tired).

So all in all, I’m feeling so much better!

Just wanted to post an update as it might be encouraging for other new mums who read this some day!