Is this bullying?

[ThreeBluecubs]

I'd really appreciate some advice. DS1 has been, up until now, a bright sunny little boy. He is sensitive, very engaging, but quite timid (esp physically). He has never had any problems with friends.

Recently his best friend, who is very similar to him, has started wanting to play with groups of other children from the class and very often DS does not want to join these games as he doesn't know the characters involved or finds them a bit boring (ball games).

When he then surfs the playground looking for other games to play, his peers won't let him join in.

I've already made contact with the teacher and thought things had been resolved, but it has blown up again.

I've explained that he may be better off playing the games that his friend is playing, even if he doesn't want to, so that he gets to know the games and doesn't get left out. He doesn't want to however.

I can tell he has had a bad day when he comes home grumpily, cries easily and is generally really down. I feel I need to intervene again but am not expecting much help/sympathy and I don't know if the teacher will see me as an intefering Mother (though that won't stop me to be honest). She is quite shouty and strict and, in my opinion, may be contributing to this sudden dip in confidence.

Any suggestions (esp as to how I can help him integrate into games) would be much appreciated.

bullying is physical or mental intimidation - has he made any comments that make you think this is happening?

No not bullying - your son either needs to join in or find new friends as you have already suggested to him. If he doesn;t want to play - you can;t force him to.

Maybe try to do stuff at home which cheers him up or get some more interests going outside school e.g. beavers/swimming.

Is there a friendship post at your ds's school? That's good for these sorts of issues.

Aw this is tough, isn't it? Playtimes can be a long and lonely time, if you aren't in a game.

DS1 went through a phase of this. I encouraged him that it was OK to sit and watch the others, if he didn't want to play. They have a nice low wall they can sit on. He also took in some favourite comics to read at playtime, whilst sitting there. It was a phase. He soon got involved again.

HTH

Thanks all. No, no friendship post that I am aware of - I might suggest it though. NQG - Good to hear your DS went through this and came out of the other side - I will suggest this to DS.

Thanks Octo - he does swimming lessons and you have reminded me that I need to chase Beavers as they said to call after Christmas.

I don't think any physical or mental intimidation has taken place. It's a bit more subtle than that but probably just as painful as it is difficult to put your finger on. Almost grown up behaviour - 'Oh I don't want to bother to talk to X so I will smile and quickly move on' type stuff. It's a shame as he is so confident and engaging in some ways but has really lost his confidence and says he doesn't want to stand up for himself because he doesn't want to be nasty back (we have tried to differentiate for him the difference between being nasty and standing up for oneself).

Definitely get him into Beavers. My DS sounds a bit similar to yours in that if children are not playing a game he likes, he won't play, even if that means he's on his own, which I find heartbreaking, but so far he seems happy to play on his own as nec.

Beavers has been great for him, as a lot of emphasis is put on being kind and helpful and it is "compulsory" to be friendly, if not friends.

PS, My DS goes to a Beaver "Lodge" see I know the lingo where there are no other children from his school, which has been good for him, as I see it as a kind of second chance. If things are not going well with peers at school there's another set for him to try and he's not involved in an established pecking order iyswim.

I have found one way of deciding if the way my dc's mates behaves constitutes bullying is to ask myself 'would I see this as bullying if my child did it to the other child?'. Going by this, you will probably not find that your ds's best friend is bullying him- all he is doing is choosing to play something different and it is up to your ds to decide he doesn't want to join in. They are neither of them rejecting the other person; they just want to do different things.

The other children, whose games he wants to join and who don't want him joining in- that's more tricky. It could be that they are being mean- but then again, they may be a closely knit gang and they may want to do things their way. If your son belonged to such a group and acted in this way, would you think he was a bully? Maybe, maybe not. It would probably depend quite a bit on the circumstances.

There may even be reasons a particular group is not keen to have him as a member. I remember myself and best friend being hauled up to the teacher and accused by parents of bullying for not wanting to play with their daughter. Our reason was that she kept making comments about my squint which made me nervous of being with her. The parents had never stopped to think that there might be more to the story than their daughter's version. It is even possible (with hindsight)that their daughter had not seen the connection between saying to another child 'looking at X's eyes makes me feel really creepy' and X's friends subsequently refusing to play with her.

Not that I'm suggesting for a moment that anything of this nature has been happening here, certainly not. I just think that as long as you don't know that actual bullying has been taking place, it may be more helpful to approach the teacher in a slightly different way. Mention to her that you are a bit worried about him being lonely and ask (as a previous poster suggested) if there is a friendship post or similar in the playground, where lonely children may team up. Ask her if she thinks there is a problem or if the dinner ladies have noticed anything. Maybe ask them to keep a bit of an extra eye.

And (as also suggested) boost his confidence by out-of-school activities. He may well make more congenial friends out of school.

It may even be that he doesn't make many friends at this particular stage in his life: I had lonely phases at school, interspersed with more sociable ones.

PerpetualWorrier - I had considered him joining beavers away from our local area too. I considered the group next to the school I wish we had sent him to so that if it all goes pear shaped and he was to get a place there, he would at least know some people there. Thanks.

Thanks Cory. The thing is, I have had to speak to the teacher before as it reached a very difficult stage last term, so I really expected them still to have half an eye on him really.

Your examples were helpful, thank you.

You are right, we need to find things further away from home for him to get involved with. We live in a small city, but there seem to be children from his school everywhere!