10 year DD hates school & very anxious

[Inkdrinker]

Hi all,

I have a 10 year old daughter, she is very sensitive and sadly doesn't have much confidence. We have tried everything to help her but she really struggled. My son is autistic and I also think my daughter may be on the spectrum.

April last year we moved house and schools. The current school she is at she absolutely hates. Most mornings and nights there are tears as she doesn't want to go to school. She has good friends but she find the work very hard. I've spoken to the teacher and apparently she's having all the extra help she can have. She really struggles with maths and P.E. She doesn't deal well with competitive people and feels like she's not good at it like them.

I'm at a loss at what to do, I've spoken to the teachers and they havent helped at all really. Ideally, I would like to set up a meeting between myself, her teacher and my daughter.

She's not being bullied, it is solely because of how hard she is finding the work. I feel like I'm failing her.

No, dont put your daughter into a meeting- what will that do????
Do you need to have her assessed if she has additional needs- maybe thats the first step? On the anxiety- my first kid was very anxious and after working through this with a child psychologist ourselves we saw we were absolutely fuelling his anxiety. Is this possibly the case?

@ThisisMax

No, dont put your daughter into a meeting- what will that do???? Do you need to have her assessed if she has additional needs- maybe thats the first step? On the anxiety- my first kid was very anxious and after working through this with a child psychologist ourselves we saw we were absolutely fuelling his anxiety. Is this possibly the case?

I thought if she is in the meeting with me she can directly speak her concerns to the teacher with me there to support her.

I'm not sure how to go about it, if I'm honest. I'm going to speak to the gp and perhaps they know which steps to take first.

Her anxiety seems completely based around school. I don't push for perfection, im just happy if she tries but perhaps she feels I have high expectations. I will ask her.

I dont think having her in the meeting is going to help. You will be talking about her behaviour as if its a problem.
So, when kids are anxious, in our efforts not to fail them, we become obsessed at minimising their suffering. So we over compensate, over discusss and analyse. They sense we are not sure and that makes it worse.
If she does not have additional needs and does her best even with help then thats it. Lots of kids are not competitive, not academically good, so dont make her feel less because she thinks she does not measure up. Tell her that what she is doing is great, that its ok to be not 'as good', that everyone struggles. Trying to 'fix' self esteem does not work because it sends a message to the person that they are a little bit broken. I absolutely know how you feel, its soul destroying to see your child distressed but you are doing your best and so is she. If you can be happy with that then she will be too.

Most pe lessons I tend to find are very inclusive and not very competitive. Have you any idea what they do in pe?

Keep reiterating that it’s fine whatever group she is in academically as long as she tries her best that’s all that matters. Don’t give any impression you would prefer if she was in the higher groups

Most pe lessons I tend to find are very inclusive and not very competitive.

Biggest generalisation ever!

She may have dyslexia, dyspraxia, slow processing, language processing issue etc etc etc
….but regardless of her diagnosis, if any, you will need to look into helping her at home. Extra lessons at school will only go so far. I speak from experience.
Use a Maths app eg ixl.com and go over what she is doing at school with the app.
No one else will do this except you!

My youngest has never really liked school, she's in year ten too. Like your dd isn't anything in particular and there are some lessons she likes more than others.

She knows that she has to crack on with it and do the very best she can. She was most unhappy with chemistry at one time so we tried to help her at home with whatever it was that week to build her confidence. We also do an hour a week of maths at the weekends using the cpg books.

Once she had a whole half term of netball which seemed to send her do-lally despite being sporty generally so her sister spent twenty minutes every weekend practising passing with her as we think she hated it because she couldn't do it very well.

Her friendships aren't particularly strong so I subtly do what I can there. Like I find cheap prices in the holidays for roller skating or the cinema and then find a bus that goes there and feed that information to her and sometimes she will manage to pull them together to do something.

Lots of children are finding school stressful,the curriculum is very fast paced in primary. Lots of children in my dcs school have tutors which years ago I've not heard of. My dcs get stressed with the work too. I think you could have a chat with school and talk it through but not with your dd. Home school could be an option if you can work around it, really mental health needs to be priority. Ime schools don't offer much support unless the pupil is very disruptive.

Agh, totally read this as 'year ten'. Sorry.

Primary curriculum seems too 'broad' considering the amount of schooling children list in the pandemic. My dcs school had no online lessons and then did craft for three months after the lockdown ended. Now they're expected yo be on track like nothing happened. No extra classes or support. The homework is stressful. The dcs for about three sessions of RE a week, geography,history, German,science and English and Maths are almost secondary. The English and Maths should really be a priority imo as they are core elements and dcs find this hard.