At breaking point with 2.5 year old toddler

[Motherhippo]

Just wanted somewhere to vent as I don't really have anyone to talk to IRL.
I recently welcomed my second child into the world (she's 4 weeks old)
We had a bit of a rocky start with her older sister who is 2.5. No aggression or negative behaviour to her younger sibling. Just generally being awful to her parents and regressing on everything from potty training to sleeping (and she's a pretty crappy sleeper anyway).
However she had seemingly started to settle down and was getting back to her old self but the last few days have been a killer.
She's has been absolutely vile the last few days with today being the worst. She has refused to follow instructions and actually gone out of her way to get into trouble it seems by doing things she's not supposed to. It took over on hour to get her down for a nap today which featured kicking, screaming and throwing herself about. (She definitely needed the nap due to the horrendous nights sleep she'd had). Bed time took nearly 2 hours to get her to settle with that same behaviour.
I was adamant that I needed to put her to bed and get her to sleep because it's me that has to deal with her all day every day (I'm on maternity leave and partner works full time) and she needs to settle with me.
My presence was enough to "set her off" tantruming. And in the end my partner had to sit with her and she fell asleep almost instantly.
I just lay on the bed and sobbed. I'm just fed up of so many things.
I'm tired of the sleep deprivation in which my toddler is the issue rather the newborn so 2.5 years without a decent nights sleep. I feel guilty that I now have no patience for her and am losing my temper quickly. Never mind a short fuse, I have no fuse! I hate being such an angry mum! But I just can't deal right now. This is why given the choice she'll choose to be with her daddy who can remain calm even when she's acting out. I'm fed up of being ignored by my toddler and my partner. It's infuriating when I've said one thing to my toddler (ie you need to sleep on your own) and he'll swoop in and undermine me (sit with her or lie with her) as he prefers the path of least resistance whereas for me sometimes we need to be a bit tougher with her as she is pushing boundaries and I feel giving in is not helpful long term.
She is just such hardwork and it's non stop. I'm praising when she's being good/does something nice/helpful. I'm trying to incorporate new activities to keep her entertained at home. (I don't drive and we live in a remote area so can't really take her to any activities/places/toddler groups). She's actually getting more attention than her baby sister due to her behaviour. Other than being breastfed, I try and put Dd2 down in her Moses basket as often as I can as I don't want to make DD1 jealous. Although DD2 has started to fuss more about being put down now which is just adding to the mum guilt/stress.
It felt worse because whilst I was ugly crying/sobbing on the bed my partner continued to lay there looking at his phone. I could have done with a hug or maybe an acknowledgment that I was obviously upset... nothing! This just made me feel more alone so I've opted to sleep on the sofa as being around him and was making me feel worse. I don't have any local friends. I don't feel I can talk to my mum as she's got her own stuff going on (post op surgery after cancer diagnosis). I'm counting down until Friday when she goes to partners parents for a sleepover like the shitty parent I am.
I'm sure reading it back I either sound like a terrible parent, or that my situation isn't bad at all. Please be kind I just wanted somewhere to vent and I feel so exhausted and alone. I'm fed up of the terrible 2s and just want my nice daughter back. She's always been stubborn and headstrong but also kind and helpful. I'm fed up of ending each day feeling like a failure as a parent.

Oh man I just wrote a long response and managed to delete it. Didn’t want to read and run but I don’t have wise advice (sorry). The highlights of my original post were:
1/ you are not a terrible mother and sending . No wonder it all feels overwhelming, it sounds exhausting and you are doing brilliantly keeping everyone in one piece.
2/ i don’t have a toddler but it does sound like she is reacting to new sibling - it must be wild for older siblings to go from being the one and only, to sharing your attention (even if you are trying to do more with her)
3/ this too shall pass - it will!
4/ yes your OH should have given you a hug. Insert frustrated noise here In relation to useless men (yes not all men etc)

Breathe. It’s hard. Parenting is hard. Two kids are hard. Toddlers are hard. This isn’t an easy task you’ve been given.

There is so so much to pick apart. I sense your toddler is the visible tip of a huge iceberg of really stressful stuff going on in your life. My main thoughts purely regarding your toddler are though:

1. Her entire world has been turned upside down. Really, really take a step back and try and imagine how it feels for her. When i lose my cool with toddler DS I just try and imagine how awful it must be to be 2. She’s not doing this on purpose to hurt you - she has no control over her little life. I really really recommend the book ‘The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read’ by Philippa Perry for changing your mindset.

2. If the nap takes an hour of screaming and fighting, let it go. It’s not like things can get much worse at the moment. It might also help with bedtime.

3. Sleep seems really triggering for you - like an almost ritualistic punishment that you must put your toddler to bed. No, no you don’t. Let DP do it for a while. Gently, you say your DP gives into her - who was the one who got her to sleep? Let him do what he needs to do.

4. I’m not really sure how you can manage this, but she’s probably bored and it’s really understandable to be honest. You live remotely, you are busy with a newborn and you don’t take her to age appropriate activities. My only DS would be climbing the wall like this.

I do hope that isn’t too stark, I just can feel the desperation from your post

Stop judging yourself. Newborn and 2.5 and both really tricky ages and you have them combined, it’s ok to find it hard.

I think your daughter sounds bored. Do you have a garden? Can you get a sling for new born and spend more time outside with daughter giving her activities to ‘help’ planting seeds digging watering etc. my daughter is only 21 months but absolutely climbs the walls being stuck inside. She could happily potter around on the garden all day. Hopefully time outside will help the sleep.

I’m so sorry you feel alone. Let your partner do everything he is willing to help. I know it can be hard to let go of control though (I’m the same)

Sending love x

As pp has said, you're in a hard transition phase right now. It's normal to feel like your elder child is really 'big' compared to a newborn sibling but 2 is still tiny! Seriously, stop worrying about creating bad habits and just aim to get through the next few weeks. A new baby is a big adjustment for the whole family, and 4 weeks in is still very early days! Cut yourself a bit of slack. And finally, your 2 year old didn't settle for her dad because she prefers him or he is better, he was just a different face. My 2 are older than yours but even now we tag team in and out as when one of us is losing patience it helps us all to swap out. You're doing fine, I promise.

Youre not a terrible mum, they're hard ages. I was already a single parent when my youngest two were that age gap and it was bloody hard. Tips -

• Get a sling so you can carry dd2 and still play with dd1
• Love bomb dd1 - she is almost certainly feeling really insecure and jealous and your lack of patience, while understandable, is making it worse
• Make a point of having "mummy and dd1 time" every day even if just 10 mins. NOT bedtime, let her choose an activity and set a timer and give her loads of attention and fuss for that 10/15 min. No phone, no distractions and make sure its when your partner has the baby
• Get outside as much as possible - my kids would all have been absolutely climbing the walls stuck at home with no toddler groups / activities etc at that age. Go the park every day if you have to or long walks, woods, beach whatever is close by. Will help with bedtimes too
• Just let your partner do bedtime for now, the first 6-8 weeks with a new baby and toddler are survival mode so just do what works and you can worry about "bad habits" later. I didn't have one so I let DD2 sleep with me for the first couple of months. Shes back in her own bed now, no harm done.

-Read some books, I recommend The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read and How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen. Be consistent with boundaries but try to cut out the shouting, it really really won't be helping.

Good luck, it gets so much easier. My youngest are 1 and 3 now and absolute best mates and partners in crime.

Definitely stop judging yourself. My son was the same. Only came out of it when he started preschool at 2.5. He wouldn't dare misbehave for his teachers there and then he started calming down at home. He mellowed and I started to really enjoy being with him. You'll get there!!

The thing that stood out for me is that you feel the need enforce these boundaries that clearly aren't working, at a time where your toddlers life has already been turned upside down.

Sometimes there's a lot to be said for the path of least resistance. Let your partner do bedtimes in his way for a while, it obviously works, your daughter is obviously needing an adult presence to feel secure, understandable alone at 2.5 but even more so with a new sibling. Once she's going to bed calmly, she may well sleep better and you'll probably see improvements all round.

Just chill out. It sounds flippant, but all that came through your post was just tension. So what if dad puts toddler to bed for a while? So what if he lies beside her and she goes off to sleep without fuss? I lie beside my 3yo to go off to sleep, we have nice cuddles at the end of the day and a chat and she goes off to sleep happily every night. Why is it such a big deal to you she goes to sleep in her own when it's such a big time of transition in her life? If she doesn't want a nap, fine. Don't make it a battle with kicking and screaming and hysterics.

Pick your battles and save them for stuff that actually matters!

And yes getting outside is vital. I really notice the difference with DD's behaviour if we have a couple of days on the trot at home. She gets bored, no matter how many lovely activities I set up for her. Even just a trip to the shop and a wander makes a huge difference, and fresh air is good for you all. If you have a garden, lean heavily on it. We are expecting DD2 in June and I know we are going to be using the garden a lot!

Thanks for all the advice. Went to the park today which wasn't a great trip due to the crappy weather. DD1 didn't have an a very good time which made getting her to agree to leave a lot easier. Nap time was calm. No shouting or hysterics from either of us. I've made it to mid morning without shouting so that's something.
Like all of your children she loves the outdoors. We have a little shared garden and I've invested in a sandpit and paddling pool for the warmer weather and plan to spend most (if not all) our time outside when the weather permits it.
She goes to preschool 2 days a week for 2.5 hours since she turned 2 and absolutely loves it. No regression or acting out whilst there which is good.
I'll have a look at slings online.
I'll try and ease up at bed times. The reason we were going for a "sleep on your own" approach was due to her waking multiple times in the night and being unable/refusing to settle without someone sitting with her. Which could take anything from 5 minutes to the rest of the night. Waking whenever one of us tried to leave her room. We were hoping that by getting her to "self settle" would reduce the amount of times this was happening.
I'll have a look at the books suggested too.
Thanks again for all the advice.

Any chance you could up the nursery time if she likes it there?

@Frenchie8690

Any chance you could up the nursery time if she likes it there?

It's at the local school and they only offer this length of time for children. All I could do was increase the amount my of days she does there.

I have the same age gap and those first few weeks of new baby + 2.5 year old we're awful for all involved! It's so so tough for them. They seem to big next to your newborn but they're only tiny and their whole world has been turned upside down. There were many many many times everyone was crying here!! But I promise it does pass.

As everyone else says, get outside as much as poss. Let toddler run energy off in the park, push their doll's pram around the block, get a sand table for garden, etc.

Try to tend to toddler before baby if you can. Tell baby out loud, mummy is just getting XXXX a snack, I'll be with you in a moment, etc. It does help a little for them to feel they aren't always having to wait.

Definitely let daddy do bedtime however it works, just get through these weeks. I'd also consider dropping the nap. It reeeeaaally improves bedtimes when they drop napping and will just avoid that extra battle in the day. Have an hour of quiet time instead and then get outside in the afternoon to keep them going.

Sending strength as I do remember those weeks as just so incredibly hard. It does get easier though when everyone finds their groove a bit. You're doing great x

I'd second the recommendation for Philippa Perry's book and add that Janet Lansbury's Unruffled podcast/website was so helpful to me.

Try to keep in the forefront of your mind that your little one is struggling with emotional regulation and that these emotions brimming to the surface when they are with you is exactly what they need to do! Meltdowns are not a indication that we are failing as parents... Nor are they really a sign that our children are "pushing boundaries": this suggests an element premeditation/planning/manipulation that a 2.5 year old is simply not capable of especially when they are overwhelmed by their feelings. Once I reframed my DC's behaviour in this way I was far more accepting (even welcoming!) of it!

And as others have said: this too shall pass! Your DC's world has been turned upside down by a new sibling - this rollercoaster continues with each new stage of development for the younger one but if you try to understand/accept/embrace big feelings rather than try to avoid them it will be easier for everyone

Good luck OP!

At 2.5 mine needed a good 2 hours out and about in the morning and another hour in the afternoon. Just slow walks stopping to look at every leaf with the newborn in a sling. Get the bus, get a taxi, but fresh air and exercise really important.