ADHD child stealing from us

[beansonpizza]

A friend's DS (8) is in the same class as my DS. He comes home with us a couple of times a week while DF is at work. He has ADHD and is a handful, but we are all generally fond of him. DF helped me out a lot when I was training and sitting exams so I am really happy to return the favour. He is an only child and enjoys being with my DC.

Lately, his behaviour has become unmanageable. His outbursts involve colourful language and loud screams. Over the last week, he has started stealing small things from DS and then lying about it when challenged. When we mentioned it to DF, she said that she wanted to discuss it with us as there were other things she had found at home. She looked quite embarrassed.

She is very keen on positive parenting but I really feel that this doesn't help as there are no set boundaries that I can see. Just a lot of pandering and soothing when he gets frustrated (which is a lot). I also don't know that much about ADHD, but I know self control can be an issue.

I don't want to tell DF that her son can't come round anymore, but I do need help to find the (kind) words to tell her that I feel very strongly about this. I also need to figure out how to manage his behaviour in future. On Friday she invited us all around next weekend, which we had accepted, and so I was planning to start by telling him that we won't be coming because we are all sad that he has been taking our possessions home without discussing it with us. (So as not to drip feed, I have an ASD child and know that antisocial behaviour can be isolating for parents, and I really do not want to put this on DF. My DC are generally quite tolerant and accepting as a result of our ASD DC, but this is new to us!)

Beyond that, I have no idea? My DS is really really upset, and I feel that I have to support him.

The Explosive child book just explains really clearly about lagging skills. So its useful for context with children acting in ways to do with development or communication and its written really simply. That's why I suggested. Not because its an explosive issue.

@Nomoresmoresthensnores

The Explosive child book just explains really clearly about lagging skills. So its useful for context with children acting in ways to do with development or communication and its written really simply. That's why I suggested. Not because its an explosive issue.

Thank you, it was a really helpful suggestion.

It is helpful for understanding that, I just don't see why OP would read an entire book just to understand a child that comes to tea? And raising human beings is basically the same content by the same author, just packaged without the "scary" behaviours.

I might be feeling prickly about this sorry. I have ADHD and so does my child. The idea of a random other parent deciding to read books on how to raise my child makes me feel a bit defensive. I actually think these techniques are great and all children would benefit from them so it's not that. I mean you should definitely read one or the other of them if you are genuinely interested in the approach. It's just tiring to constantly be judged on parenting in a non standard way.

@BertieBotts

It is helpful for understanding that, I just don't see why OP would read an entire book just to understand a child that comes to tea? And raising human beings is basically the same content by the same author, just packaged without the "scary" behaviours.

I might be feeling prickly about this sorry. I have ADHD and so does my child. The idea of a random other parent deciding to read books on how to raise my child makes me feel a bit defensive. I actually think these techniques are great and all children would benefit from them so it's not that. I mean you should definitely read one or the other of them if you are genuinely interested in the approach. It's just tiring to constantly be judged on parenting in a non standard way.

@BertieBotts the issue here is some of the information has been changed to prevent identification in RL. This child could possibly be in my life more than popping round for tea, for example.

I don't find the 'you don't need to know' approach helpful. As a parent of a child with additional needs, I appreciated it when people made an effort to educate themselves on how things might feel to our family. I would not criticize them for it.

And that is what this was. I can only apologize if it feels offensive to you. That's absolutely not my intention. But equally, being told that a) it's none of my business or that I am clearly not fond of a child that I genuinely am, by strangers on the internet is rather ridiculous.

Anyway, I think it's best that we leave it here. Thank you to those who contributed positively, I appreciate the direction when I felt a bit lost.

And to everyone who posted, as it has given me food for thought.

I wouldn't have him back until the swearing, stealing and shrieking stopped. I am currently barring one friend of DS - he's a lovely kid but he was coming here a lot and familiarity was definitely breeding contempt. In his case it was just cheekiness and screaming but if it isn't my child I see no reason I would choose to put up with that.

@BertieBotts I must confess I hadn't realised it was a similar book by same author so will look it out.

I have adhd and so do 2 of my dc. But I actually used to be an ignorant twat with regards how children, even my own, should behave. And well meaning advice (ok actually it was judgy advice) led me down the wrong path with my dc for a couple of years. I bitterly regret it. But all is not lost. We turned it around. It's why I jump on these threads. 5 years ago I was desperate for advice and at my wits end.
Zero tolerance, rewards, consequences, naughty step, bans etc etc. All rubbish. Awful things. No place with ADHD. Sadly lots of schools still think this works. But we can change this 1 person at a time!

Good luck OP

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I understand my house my rules...

But.. its easy to be nice to nice people. It takes a bit more work with others. Sounds to me like you're taking the easy route. Your choice. But why not find out why he's like that. Maybe you're his safe space and he's just had that door slammed in his face.

Sounds to me like you're taking the easy route.

I'm definitely taking the easy route. He's not my child, which means I am not in a position to manage his behaviour, and I have no intention of accepting cheekiness from a 7 year old in my own home. If I had any concerns about his home it might be more difficult to just say "NOPE". But I don't, so he can go and be managed there.

We all have enough to contend with in our own children! I can't see why anyone would invite difficult non-relative children around voluntarily.

Because it takes a village to raise a child

Or it used to.

As far as I'm concerned saying "You don't get to come here if you behave like that" and meaning it is helping his mother, him, me and my DS more than encouraging him to believe that behaviour will be accepted by others.

Depends on the child. For some it will work but others it will make it worse.
When kids end up in serious trouble as teens there's been a road to that place. Plenty of people think the way to stop that is to lay down the law early on. The government thinks that too. Behaviour psychologists don't.

Funnily enough I have several degrees in Psychology - very out of date now, but definitely enough to know that there is no consensus at all among behavioural psychologists about anything!

In any case I don't even need to think about this one. Any child who can't behave themselves in my house can go home. This is not a Hallmark movie and I have no saviour complex at all.

Fair enough. But then why comment on an adhd question.
I mean we're all on here coz we're bored but it's nice to help at the same time. Gives my meaningless little life purpose.

@Nomoresmoresthensnores

Because it takes a village to raise a child

Or it used to.

That comes from a time when differences were ignored and people just gave the neighbouring kids a clip round the ear.

I don't want any old neighbour 'raising' my kids, I really don't!

I can't see why anyone would invite difficult non-relative children around voluntarily.

'Difficult'

The child is primary age with a diagnosis. This type of comment is just depressingly cold IMO.

Both my DSes have ADHD. I was really saddened to read that by the age of 12, the average child with ADHD has received 20 000 more negative comments than other children. Hence why they have a lot of self esteem issues, depression and suicide attempts.

All children are different. My sons have the same diagnosis but present differently. However lack of impulse control (taking things they see and want) is well documented. As is saying things to avoid getting into (more) trouble = lying.

Keep inviting the child or don't, but delayed punishment is pointless and potentially harmful.

You can't treat them like NT DC. As an example, I used to insist DS1 did homework before the reward of screen. It didn't work. He just was totally distracted by wanting the screen and got upset and angry about not having it. So, against all my instincts I used to let him have 30 minutes of screen then it was homework. Amazingly it worked! He stayed calm and did his work really well.

I also read that ADHD symptoms "peak" around age 8. I certainly noticed both my DSes being more extreme age 7-9 then calming down (relatively) by age 10.

I was really saddened to read that by the age of 12, the average child with ADHD has received 20 000 more negative comments than other children That is really sad @InvincibleInvisibility

I hope having kind parents can help counteract that.

Yes having a calm home really helps. Since our DC have been diagnosed, DH and I have adjusted our behaviour and reactions and have been more tolerant of things the DSes just can't help.

Our home environment is much nicer now for everyone: less shouty and stressy. Its still very hard work (sometimes getting them to do things is like herding cats) but its more pleasant.