Bonding with Baby/not coping

[Camillasmummy]

Hi Mums,

I had my first baby in July. I live with my partner who is my babies dad and we were so excited and looking forward to parenting.

However since the beginning I have really struggled with everything about being a mum. I just feel so underwhelmed by it. I feel like a robot going through the motions of what you ‘should do’ and my daughter isn’t physically neglected. But I just feel so little attachment to her.

I went to work for the day the other day and it was the first time I’d felt happy in months. I didn’t miss her, didn’t think about her, I just felt like my old self.

I’m due to start some private counselling to talk about how I feel.

Has anyone else felt like this? Will it pass?

Hello lovely

I sounds to me a little like post natal depression. It can manifest as low attachment and feeling robotic.

I really struggled too and want you to know you’re not alone. It is really hard.

I think counselling sounds like a good place to start. I would also let your gp know how you’re feeling. Can you speak to your partner about it? X

Thankyou for your support I think you might be right.

My GP is not the most approachable but hoping the counselling helps.

My partner is amazing and he does listen but he also lives in a very adoring baby bubble and I don’t think he really understands why I don’t feel about her the way he does. He’s so good with her I feel kinda jealous, as I feel like I should feel like he does.

Hello op, I had my baby recently too- it’s a huge huge adjustment! I can empathise with you on ‘feeling like my old self’- I feel like the person I was had gone and will never be back… before I felt busy, fit, hard working, occasionally attractive 😉.. now I feel worn out, mentally a bit bored, hideous to look at, wobbly, unkempt, and tired. It’s such a massive change in lifestyle it’s unbelievable! Your partner sounds quite supportive - I do think you should try and share with him as much as possible. You’ve just built an entire person. An entire person!!!! Sounds mad but this realisation didn’t hit me until baby boy was about 6 weeks old- I was looking at his face and his eyes, and realised I’d grown a whole pair of eyeballs, inside my body. What the hell!! 🤣 no wonder I was beyond wrecked. Remember that this time our bodies are full - bursting - to- the- brim with hormones! How you feel is likely down to hormones, what I mean by that is that it’s not ‘you’ - I hope seeing it in that way might alleviate any guilt you are feeling. Congrats on your baby girl xoxox

Thankyou for your message. Hahaa yep you’re right about a lot of things. What worried me was that I did feel like my old self when I went to work for the day. But when I’m with my daughter I feel rubbish.

The thing is she’s nearly 9 months old so I’m not sure hormones can really be blamed anymore.

Congratulations ☺️ I’m sure he has fantastic eyeballs!

I felt the same way OP. I went back to work when my DD was 8 months old and finally felt alive again, like my old self. At first I didn’t miss her, I enjoyed my time to be me again but after a couple of weeks I really started to appreciate my time off with her. I work 3 days a week and I find it a really good balance, 3 days to be like my old self and 4 days to enjoy my DD.

I found the first year of her life extremely difficult but it got easier; she’s 22 months now and I really miss her when I’m at work but it’s good to have that break as well. I make sure we do loads of fun stuff on my 4 days off and enjoy that time with her.

I felt like that OP. I felt totally unchanged by having a baby if that makes sense- I expected it to be a big life pivoting thing, but actually I still totally felt like me, except with a baby who I didn't feel like was mine. It was really weird. Someone could have taken him off me and said it was a mistake and I'd have been like oh ok, yes that makes sense.
I had PND and it took a long time but things really did get better. I bonded with my baby and grew into a mother over months and years.
Going back to work certainly helped me- I was able to see a normal kind of future for myself. On mat leave it felt like time stopped.
Don't beat yourself up for how you're feeling. Lots of mums don't have the fairytale, instant change that were led to expect.
My love for my son has grown and grown, and now he feels like the centre of my life, but in a totally natural way. Try your gp- you're still in the postnatal period so should be fast tracked for any treatment. Also try PANDAs for help too.
This doesn't mean anything is 'wrong' with you btw! You may have PND, but equally it might just take you some time to get used to your new role. X

Thankyou all for your comments it’s so nice to know others have felt like this and now feel better about things ☺️

I had my first counselling session on Tuesday and she’s helped unpick a few things already so will persevere with that.

Also think going back to work will help as a few of you have mentioned so will do a few more keeping in touch days before I’m due to start back properly.

Hi op,

I felt like such a robot and like I'd lost my whole identity when my ds was younger. Probably until about 16 months! He's now almost 2 and I feel so much more like myself again, he starts nursery on Monday and I'll be back at work 3 days a week properly. I think sometimes it just takes a very long time to get used to having a person to be responsible for! And nothing ever being about you anymore. But the older they get the easier it becomes. Especially now ds is talking and is really understanding things!

Definitely seek some help to get you through this tough time. Good luck and know it does get easier on you.