How did you make your kids appreciate you?

[anotheranon22]

I have seen so many threads from disappointed Mums on Mother’s Day. I remember how I was as a teenager, I didn’t appreciate anything my Mum did for me. I took it all for granted. I didn’t see my Mum as a separate person just my Mum whose job was to do all the things Mums do. I cringe now when I think about it. My poor Mum.

Anyway, now I have 2 DC of my own, my question is how do I avoid them treating me the same, like I’m just there to serve them?

Anyone got kids that DO appreciate them?

My first thought was 'you can't' but then I suppose you could hope to encourage appreciation by modelling it towards others.

It’s a difficult one isn’t it, because in some ways you almost want your kids to take the stable, happy home life you provide for granted. The alternative is feeling like it’s something they’re at risk of losing. But feeling like a doormat whose effort is ignored isn’t great eituer.

I’ve read some posters saying their kids started to understand and show appreciation as they got into their later teens. Maybe you do have to wait for them to really understand what you do, but in the meantime they can still show you love.

(I’m interested in other responses to this thread because mine are still little. My toddler shows me love, frequently, but obviously there’s no way in hell she’s going to understand or appreciate everything I do for her.)

I think some children are just generally more appreciative in their nature. I have 3 and they all differ. 1 is overly appreciative (bless him he is a sweetie) another one I would say just normal.

My daughter definitely hasn’t appreciated much but now she’s aged 10 she’s a lot more appreciative. She was lovely to me yesterday but this is because they were making cards at school and her friends mum died in a car accident when she was little. My daughter has spoke about this over the past few days and I think having something she can relate too really made her think. We have been trying to instill gratitude in her for years but sometimes I just think it comes down to age and experience.

Trust me it will come in time.

As I understand it, one of the key developmental tasks of a teenager is to separate from their parents. It’s not fun for anyone but it is necessary for them to thrive as adults. I’m not saying you should tolerate them being arseholes but having an expectation of ‘gratitude’ is probably setting yourself up for disappointment.

I agree modelling gratitude is a good idea in the long run. Once in their 20s with their own lives, things will likely change.

In addition, have a think about your language of ‘making’ your kids anything. They are people and you are in relationship with them. That kind of language represents a mindset which again might lead to challenges as you’ll have unrealistic expectations (ie that one human ‘makes’ another human do anything)

I really don’t know where I went wrong with mine.
When I was a kid I got £1 a week pocket money off my dad. From an early age I bought mum and dad something for mum/dad’s day, birthday and Xmas. No one told me to, I just knew it’s what you did.
I got nothing but a text off my oldest, flowers/card off the middle one, and nothing off the other two. Mine all work, so they have money.
I really don’t know how they are so different.

I wonder how many people whose DC didn't get them anything for Mother's Day didn't remind them and just expected them to remember? (Obviously, if you were in a couple you'd expect your DP to remind them, but that's a whole other thread). I'm a lone parent and got a lovely card and flowers after mentioning it was going to be Mother's Day and wondering aloud what they were getting me multiple times in the preceding days 😆 Similar with my birthday earlier in the month.

Otherwise, I 'd say don't make it look too effortless. Get them to do household tasks so that they KNOW how tough it is to keep a house clean, let them organise their own PE kit/ make their own lunch so that they know how much mental energy organising stuff takes, etc etc. If it all seems to happen effortlessly, they're going to think it doesn't take any effort on your part.

I think it’s a bit like when they are younger and you are always telling your kids to say please and thankyou. Eventually they do it without thinking.

The problem is you need another adult in the house to model the correct behaviour. So ideally a husband who takes the kids out to buy presents or helps them make cards. As they get older the spouse reminds them that a birthday, Mother’s Day is coming and what is expected of them (age dependent of course).

They also need to see both partners pulling their weight and being appreciative of each other. I.e. your mums just cooked us a lovely dinner, so come on let’s do the washing up.

This usually goes to rat-shit during the teenage year, but once past that, should go back to normal.

But don’t be like my mother. My stepdad and I once spent a lot of time deciding what to buy her in Debenhams one year. We bought her a purple candlewick dressing gown. (I know but it was the 70’s and I was only 12yrs). She didn’t like it, threw a strop and sulked for the day.

My kids are lovely - two teens and a pre teen. I think its luck though.

I must say that I don't especially care about being appreciated and never try to be their mate and have always, right from toddlerhood, worked on doing as much as necessary but as little as possible for them and on teaching them to do as much as possible for themselves. I've never been their servant (except perhaps when they were actually babes in arms). This probably helps enormously with being appreciated but wasn't why we (both DH and I) did it! I always explain to them its my job to bring them up to be able to take care of themselves and to try to keep them safe til they can, and not to do what they want but what they need.

As I say they're lovely, all three of them - nicer than me 😜 but probably more by luck than judgement.

@ThatsNotItAtAll

I don't think that sounds like luck. I think you sound like a great mother and they just truly appreciate you.