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Original poster

To have a 2nd child or not?

27 replies

Tiredmamaaa · 27/03/2022 13:12

I need some honest advice and pros and cons to my dilemma.

I have a DD who is by all accounts amazing. She is a year and a half, she is sweet, loving, interacts well with everyone, she eats well, sleeps well, plays well. She is no bother at all and she has made our lives so much fuller. Life is really great!

For this reason and others, I’d love a second child. I always wanted two and so did my DH. Both of us have siblings and whilst growing up it may have been difficult to get along at times, we have great relationships with them now and love having a constant friend.

My dilemma is I’m worried that it won’t work out that way. Everyone says “you never get two the same” and that scares me as if that was true, would I regret changing everything when it’s so good? But then what if the second child is just as amazing as our DD and adds even more happiness to our lives?

It feels like a huge decision! Because it is I guess!

Can I hear honest pros and cons or opinions from people who have one child and those who have 2 or even more?

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AliceW89 · 27/03/2022 14:02

Of course any future children would be just as amazing as your DD. It sounds like she very much fits the societal idea of what a ‘good baby’ is and it’s made your lives quite easy. You may not get this again in future - it is completely true that every child is different and their levels of ‘easy’ and ‘difficult’ are variable (and subjective). But surely the beauty of parenting is discovering the little person you’ve been given, their likes and dislikes and what makes them tick?

Flopsy145 · 27/03/2022 19:29

I'm in the same boat as you but six months behind and weirdly having such an amazing dd who is just so much more than I could have asked for as made me want a second child less. I love our unit I wouldn't want her to resent me for potentially bringing a sibling into her life that took my attention or made her life worse. Im an only child and absolutely loved it. But then I swing the other way and think of them when they're older etc, my do really wants another, will be third for him as he has another child who is 7. I reckon see how you feel when she's 2/2.5? Always better to not rush into these things if you're not sure.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/03/2022 19:32

Of course your second could be a nightMare baby- guess what your 18 month old could be an awful 2/3/4 yr old. Nothing is guaranteed!

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Flittingaboutagain · 27/03/2022 19:49

Your second would be just as amazing but of course may be hard work compared to the first, not sleep, tantrum a lot etc but the baby years are short and their adult lives (hopefully) long. Unless you're 38+ I wouldn't rush.

TypicallyTopically · 27/03/2022 19:51

Your little one is still really young. I have a 4.5 Yr old and a new partner who hasn't got kids. I worry he'll want them but I feel too old and the gap would be too big for me. I had a placental abruption with birth too so that's an issue. My ds has no cousins so it worries me he really will be alone Blush

DontWannaMiss · 27/03/2022 20:12

I could have written your post 18m ago. I now have a 6 month old who's just as amazing as her brother.

I actually cannot believe I almost didn't have her out of fear, she is everything.

Like you my eldest was so amazing and life was so good it felt crazy rocking the boat. People also just loved telling me I'd never have another so easy and to brace myself.

Well she's just as easy if not more, and I wish I hadn't wasted pregnancy being anxious about something I couldn't control anyway. As other PPs have said, even if your second isnt 'easy' they will be just as amazing and you'll love them just as much.

My first also loves his baby sister and it has enriched his life so much. My heart is full I couldn't be happier.

Tetherless · 27/03/2022 20:12

My DC1 was like this. Turned into an utter nightmare as a 3 year old. By then I’d had dc2 so not sure whether that was part of it or whether it was just his age. Dc2 was a lovely easy baby but DC1’s behaviour made it SO hard. We’re just turning a corner now they are almost 4 and 18 months. I had half an eye on a possible 3rd child when we went for the 2.5yr age gap, but it’s been so tough that we’ve decided against that now. If I’d known we were definitely sticking at 2 then a 3-4 year gap would have been better.

User1234567891011121314 · 27/03/2022 20:14

Keep at one that's my opinion and I have 2...honestly it will be a great life x

Niahm · 27/03/2022 20:53

I’m stopping at one child personally because I want him to have the best of everything in life and always be our number one. I think I would have had a better life if I’d been an only child, and having siblings has brought me no benefit whatsoever. Everyone’s situation is different though :)

TypicallyTopically · 27/03/2022 21:07

My partner is an only child and it doesn't bother him in the slightest at age 34. My child isn't his and it appears he's not bothered about having kids.

Liverbird77 · 27/03/2022 21:20

I had a boy and then a girl. There's 18 months between them. I was worried about changing our family dynamic, but I really, really wanted more than one child.
It has worked out brilliantly for us. They love the bones of each other and are starting to be able to entertain each other too. It's enhanced our family.

Daqqe · 27/03/2022 21:24

I’m an only child & I hate it. Everyone is different 🤷🏼‍♀️ I couldn’t even contemplate a second until DD1 had gone two, I had PND & struggled a lot for the first year. I didn’t think I had it on me to have another. But I didn’t want DD1 to be an only like me.. so we went for it. We have a 3 year gap & it’s been ideal for us.

DD2 is the most brilliant little girl. She has completed our family, she is a ray of sunshine. She has made life infinitely better. It is hard sometimes, life is busier, more chaotic & sometimes I wish I could have more of a break. But watching my DDs playing and laughing together is the best. Having two kids is double the love, I’m so proud of both of them. My heart is so much bigger with both of them in it 🧡

BendingSpoons · 27/03/2022 21:27

My DD wasn't an amazing sleeper but otherwise pretty good, although 2.5 to 3 was a tougher period! Had DS with a 3 year gap. He was a pretty bad sleeper in the first year (much worse than DD) and still is not a fan of bedtime but is otherwise a delight. So in our case, we had a worse sleeper but everything else has been pretty equal.

My two absolutely adore each other and I have no doubt having a sibling has enriched DDs life. I also think she has learnt lots in terms of negotiation and patience. I know this isn't the case for everyone. Life is noisier and we have to work harder to carve out downtime but the flip side is they play together.

HennieP · 27/03/2022 21:40

We stuck at one and I’m very happy about it. I love that I can focus all my parental energy on DD and don’t have to split it. I love also having time to myself and I can pursue my hobbies and still have a strong identity outside of being mum. I love not having to worry about money, can afford private school and don’t have to say no to hobbies/activities (DD is definitely not spoilt with material possessions though).

I love being able to tailor weekends around DD. Today we did an activity which wouldn’t have been possible with a younger sibling too.

I definitely think I’m a calmer, more chilled parent than I would be with more kids.

In our case there were other factors to the decision- I’m older & had a rough pregnancy.
Other factors include that I know a couple of families with severely disabled DC, so that was something that weighed on my mind in making the decision to stick at one, due to my own ability to cope.

DH and I have 4 siblings between us and aren’t close to any so we don’t see providing a sibling as providing a friend for life.

I also have a couple of friends whose adult lives have been severely impacted by siblings with additional needs. So I know having a sibling doesn’t always make life easier.

HennieP · 27/03/2022 21:44

Oh and I’m another one who had a perfect baby / toddler who got more tricky at 3. Nearing 4 now and she seems to be calming down a bit

NeedleNoodle3 · 27/03/2022 21:46

When I was expecting my second and third DC I worried about this but when they arrived they were amazing as my first DC. They are all grown up men now and I saw them today, it really was incredible . They all get in so we’ll and are happy and healthy.
I know it sounds morbid but sometimes I think when I am dead they will have each other and this gives me comfort.

PurpleFlower1983 · 27/03/2022 21:47

I think it’s nice to have siblings in adulthood, being an only child could be quite lonely then. It’s also wonderful watching them play together. We went through a similar thought process to you but we now have DD who us 3 and her little brother who is 8 months. I love having two although it’s hard work!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/03/2022 22:02

I say it on a lot of these threads, I personally think having an only child is harder. My children eat together, play together, on holiday they will have eachother - I don’t want to eat every meal with my one child, I do play dates but don’t want to feel obliged to do them for my child to socialise, I want to have a meal out and have a convo with my husband whilst my children chat and play. I think once out the pre school age siblings make life easier

TypicallyTopically · 27/03/2022 22:06

I feel bad for him being on his own but i dislike alot of kiddy things you have to do. I have 80pc custody. I can't bear kids bickering.

TypicallyTopically · 28/03/2022 11:38

I killed the thread sorry!

Timeturnerplease · 28/03/2022 14:10

Baby DD1 (now 3yo): Poor sleeper, atrocious napper, reflux, didn’t like people looking at her, shops, cafes, other babies etc. easily overstimulated and very highly strung. Now is a very bright, chatty and independent preschooler.

Baby DD2 (almost 8mo): Possibly the easiest, smiliest, most sociable and adaptable baby ever…but is an atrocious sleeper to the point that she’s often up every half an hour overnight.

No way to predict it, no way to change it. You just have to take the leap and remember that’s everything is a phase.

Original poster
Tiredmamaaa · 28/03/2022 14:57

Thank you to everyone for your personal stories. It’s comforting to know other people have thought the same as I was worried I was overthinking it. You have all given me a lot of food for thought but the thing that stands out is that having two kids is wonderful! Thank you for all your replies, it has made my thought process a lot clearer and made me more comfortable with the idea of extending our little family!

OP posts:
Worryworry887 · 29/03/2022 20:07

I was in your position and had a second, my second daughter is now 3 months old and is also a lovely, ‘easy’ baby just like my first. HOWEVER, my oldest has now entered the terrible fours and is very challenging 😂, but love them both so much and no regrets. They all go through different stages and you never know what’s going to happen!

MamaNeedsTea · 29/03/2022 21:02

In reverse, but our first was a wonderfully happy baby but nocturnal until 15months.

Didn't put us off ttc No2 but I did worry about going through the sleep deprivation again if no2 followed suit....

Second was a standard sleeper (only up for usual 3hr feeds) but instead had the most hideous colic/reflux which meant they were very (understandably) grumpy & screamed the house down for the first year.

So, there's no point overthinking the "what ifs". My babies were completely different & it was a very hard year but I'd do it again in a heartbeat for our two little people.

The baby stage flies so if it's two children you want is go for it!

Forshorttheycallmecomp · 29/03/2022 21:06

There is no perfect size family. But siblings have definitely brought my children a wider range of positive experiences than they would have had as an only. Of course - and I base this on very close family experiences - it may give them much more negative experiences as they get older too. It’s a risk I’m prepared to take.