To regret having a child

[Greenandyellow1]

I have a 7 month old. Easy pregnancy, positive labour, healthy baby.
Every day I wake up and instead of being grateful that I have a perfect healthy baby, I feel already fed up with the day that hasn't even started. I feel emotionally checked out. I feel like it's the biggest mistake of my life. I miss my old life, having my personal space, my lifestyle. People keep saying it gets easier, but it's getting worse. He's now getting mobile and I can't leave him for 2 min. Plus he's constant grumpy anyway so I have to keep entertaining him not to hear whining that is driving me insane.
I resent all things baby related, baby groups etc are out of question as I don't think I fit in there.
I'd like to leave the house and never come back.
I feel so guilty that I brought a new innocent human being into this world and I can't even provide a parental love to him. He doesn't deserve such a mother who resents her own child. I'm not only making my life miserable, but his as well.
I really don't know how to get out of this rut.

Having a baby is hard as it is so life changing, I have twins and it was double joy but double work, I remember being overwhelmed by the responsibility, fortunately they slept through the night after about eight weeks but life has been very very busy.

They are in their early twenties and life is still very busy, I feel like running away sometime or taking a holiday on my own.

Totally, totally relate. I found that first year profoundly hard.

I didn’t have my Mum, and no family close by. I had clingy babies. I breastfed, so it was kind of all on me.

I remember the breakthrough point for DC1 - he was 13 months old, and he almost changed overnight. He turned into a delightful, sunny toddler. Still hard work, because he was a toddler and starting to walk, but the transformation was remarkable. I think it had something to do with being able to move (he didn’t crawl, but went straight to room surfing and then walking).

Same thing with DC2. Such hard work until she was able to communicate. Then turned into a different child.

I know it seems a long way off right now - but it’s true - the days are long, but the years are (so) fast.

It does get easier.

@Greenandyellow1

I'm returning to work in a few weeks time and looking forward to it. But I don't know how I'll cope in high pressure job with no sleep as baby wakes up and breastfeeds every hour.

7 months is a tough age, I would never usually say this as I think breastfeeding is fantastic- but if its negatively affecting you have you tried night weaning, combi feeding so your partner can do bottles at night or something? You are just as important as your baby, and your needs and wants are important. I did find for me returning to work was a turning point, absolutely loved the balance and stated to enjoy time with DS (have to admit I struggled through mat leave and often felt the same yearning for my old life). Sounds cliche and not helpful now, but nows he's a bit older it's much easier- there are different challenges for sure, but I feel like me as a mum rather than being consumed by being a mum.

You’re probably just really really tired. It’s amazing what sleep (and lack of it) does to us. I can’t offer anything to improve that for you, but at some point they do start sleeping better. That has always made a massive difference to my outlook and tolerance for the boredom that comes with parenting babies.

Sorry just saw about not wanting to night wean yet- understandable.

You can nightwean and continue breastfeeding in the day? Waking hourly to be fed at 7 months is not the norm and is definitely not needed. I would be surprised if improving your sleep didn't help the way you're feeling.

Echo others that getting back to work might help too. Personally, I can't wait to go back. I love our baby but maternity leave is very dull! I miss adult conversation, focus, a sense of achievement and fulfilment. The days at work I am doing currently are my favourite days of the week and I look forward to getting back home to be 'mum' at the end of the day. It's tiring but a far more enjoyable existence and I feel like me again!

I found 7 months a really hard age, and with sleep deprivation even worse. It does get better, mine is now 11 months and it’s so much better.

We did sleep training at 6 months (Ferber method - highly recommend the e-book). DS went from waking every 35 mins through the night to sleeping for 11.5 hours.

Thank you everyone for lots of useful advice.
I will try and go out to a baby group at least once to see if this is something could enjoy.
I will also take advantage of good weather and visit some National Trust places as I loved those trips in pre-baby times and still habe membership card.
Sleep wise I agree that has a big impact on mood and coping in general. After a bad night everything seems so much worse the next morning.
@LabradorFiasco please can you share more of your experience. I'd love to get better quality sleep but still be able to continue bf.
My baby is ok going to sleep in his cot at about 7 pm, but after initial 2-3 h sleep he wakes up hourly. When I go to sleep I take him to bed with me and cosleep until morning. Otherwise I wouldn't survive getting up every hour. This way at least I can feed and resettle lying down. He was ok in his cot at night until 5-6 months, sleeping with only 2-3 wake ups. Then it all went "tits up" after teething and sleep regression.

I think it’s normal, I still pine for my old life. Kids are like a grenade going off in your life. It will get better once you get some more sleep and then increments. Seriously though consider not co-sleeping and dropping breastfeeding. I was so touched out I felt utterly suffocated by the end of the first year. Baby was in her own room by 6 months and sleeping through the night. Combo of dropping night feed and ferber (not easy but it worked). There will be teething illness and regressions but on the whole she slept a lot better and we felt better.

@GromblesofGrimbledon bless you, I am happy to say a bit more but it might be easier to link you to a thread where I expanded a bit on exactly what I did, which worked for me and my baby (6.5mo-ish) within 3 days… He was dependent on bf for sleep and would wake every 90 mins expecting the boob to be there to help him back to sleep. I needed to fix it, fast, as I was disintegrating as a person and really just wanted out. I hope this works but let me know if not and I will write it out again! www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/a4465262-Controlled-Crying?msgid=114605102#114605102

You really need to sleep, everything will feel a million times better once you are rested. And then your baby will get a happy mum which is much begged for him than getting boob all night. He is also likely to become much less whiny once he is getting a proper night's sleep - he really needs that too. Please sleep train.
Also massively important is finding other parents you can hang out with in the day, as it is soul destroying being alone with a non-napping entertainment-requiring baby all day long. If you can sit in someone else's house or on a picnic blanket in the park having nice food and tea or wine and good chats it can actually be a fun day. Good luck x

Much *better for him

I really hated the baby stage and don't miss it whatsoever, never really got the appeal of a demanding, angry potato .

DS is 7 now and autistic and while still tiring, he's utterly brilliant and I no longer have the feeling I'm just putting effort in to keep him alive without anything in return. I still marvel sometimes that I enjoy being his mum now.

@LabradorFiasco

Thank you for replying. I have tried this and always give up as he sobs for so long becoming increasingly hysterical until boob is in mouth! Then I feel bad that I keep trying to do this. I've given up for now as his sleep is up and down. A run of good days (I class waking 3 or4 times a night as good) followed by a bad night (10 times!!)

I will revisit your post if things don't improve. Thank you.

I night weaned At 9months with my last one, just got DH to take a week off and for 5 nights he cuddled and soothed her/ offerred water...she did cry but she was soothed and comforted at all times, and it was amazing how quickly the crying reduced and it made me able to survive and enjoy life.
Getting out each day is something O need to keep my mood up. The national trust stuff sounds great, just doing things you really enjoy.
Swimming was a winner with my two, it's a faff but they loved the water and it really tired them out and used up a chunk of time in the day for us.
Packing the bag the night before so we could get out easily also helped a lot.
Hope sleep improves soon and that things start to feel a little lighter xx

I love my baby more than anything and love being a mother BUT I still think god this was so much easier when I’m at the stables trying to manoeuvre a wheelbarrow of horse poo plus a whiny baby in a pushchair. It’s a huge change and a perfectly normal feeling!

I do think you need to get out, I don’t do well with being inside anyway but I notice a huge difference in my mental state on the days I haven’t managed to get out, baby also seems to generally be happier/sleep better etc when we go out.

Have you tried a swimming class? I didn’t get on with sensory or other baby classes but have kept up with swimming since she was 6 weeks old. I also enjoyed the mum and baby Pilates/gym classes.

Hi Op,

My first baby was a nightmare in that he wanted to breastfeed all the time and his sleep was awful. He’d sleep for about 2-3 hours when he first went to bed but then he’d be up awake every 1-2 hours through the night and only going back to sleep if I breast fed him. I co-slept with him but it didn’t change the situation as he still woke every hour which meant so did I.

Ny days were very dark and I was beyond exhausted. Part of me wanted to take him out to place but I was so, so tired I barely had the energy to move around the house, let alone go for days out or trips to baby groups.

I used to cry all the time out of sheer exhaustion and frustration. On more than one occasion I rang my husband at work and begged him to come home, I would be inconsolable and tell him that I just couldn’t do it anymore.

I stopped enjoying my baby and I dreaded the days with him (as I was too tired to function) and I dreaded the nights with him because I knew I would be up every hour.

Stopping breastfeeding wasn’t an option as it was very important to me that he was breastfed so although many people suggested it, it wasn’t something I felt prepared to do.

Life was very bleak and it felt like I was never going to better.

As my “return to work” date loomed I would be filled with dread as I just didn’t know how I would cope.

Anyhow - at the point of desperation me and DH (who were now arguing all the time because of how tough things were) decided to use a sleep consultant to help sleep train our baby. He was 9 months old at this point and it really felt like there was no other option.

She was absolutely amazing - I can’t even tell you how absolutely wonderful she was and we had a different baby within a week. He went to sleep at 7pm and slept until 6am, and had two naps a day at set times, each one lasting 1.5 hours.

Life became so so much better for me, my husband and for our son. Also, the sleep training had no impact on breastfeeding and I continued to breast feed him until he was 2.5 years old.

I’m happy to tell you more if you want to privately message me OP.

I have been where you are and it’s really difficult.

I would echo what others say about doing something about your nights. Waking up every hour will be taking its toll on your mental state, even if you’re not totally aware of it.

Take advantage of the spring to get out and about more, walks, picnics. Can you meet up with old friends, any family? If you’re not keen on mum groups (which I totally get) try as hard as you can to connect with people you know will bring your mood up

In general maybe try to think about ways of incorporating the life you want for yourself with the life you’ve now got. What is it that you miss doing, dream of doing? Are there ways of bringing the baby along to those things/places? It’s a hard year. Going back to work helps. Good luck.

Thank you everyone.
A few of you suggested baby swimming classes, this is actually where my DH already takes him every weekend and they both enjoy it, so I'd rather leave them to it!
Today was a great day, the little one stayed with DH while I had a spa treatment, a workout at the gym and a lovely lunch on my own. Feeling like a new person now and ready for a new week.
If only the nights could get better, but I'll look into what could be changed. However the baby is currently going through a horrible teething so I don't know if trying to implement any changes now would be like sweeping leaves in the wind...

Try combination feeding. You don't have to stop breastfeeding, but a bottle of formula at 11ish, preferably given by DH, might just fill him up enough to sleep longer. Gradually replace more feeds with bottles until you feel you have a good balance and feel less touched out. Breastfeeding is not the only good thing you can do, it's great you've been able to do it but it's not essential and he will be fine without.

Going back to work will help, having your brain space back is vital. Can you put him in nursery for a few hours now, to start to get used to it?

Get a playpen. You can leave them in there with toys and do your own thing nearby while knowing they're safe.

It's really fucking hard, but I promise it gets better.

No desire to hijack your thread by raising a controversial topic but if you want to keep breastfeeding but are worried about going back to work when baby wakes hourly to feed overnight...7 months is a good age to sleep train. We did gradual retreat at that age and DD went from five wake-ups to one overnight then zero within a few weeks. I was able to keep breastfeeding during the day for the next couple of months then morning and evening for several months after that once I had returned to work (which was absolutely a game-changer for me in terms of wellbeing).

What is your support system like and do you ever get a break from lo? It is so overwhelming. I remember doing creative writing classes at my local library for 2 hours a week. I never missed one! The baby was with grandparents or a friend. Is also go to mum and baby clubs and I think they kept me sane as much as they were for babies!

Another friend of mine would visit someone every week with her lo as her escape.

It is hard. But carve out time to do something that feels different every week. Even if it is a swimming class or joining a mums club

Zombie thread

You sound the opposite of a bad mum.

Your expectations of yourself are very high though….not many people would be coping well with hourly night feeds at 7 months.

Some great advice on this thread…but jeez, give yourself a chance and think about yourself here too!