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Mother in law doesn’t bother with my children

9 replies

Emily6457 · 23/03/2022 18:01

Hi,

I have had to post on here as I am so fed up with my mother in law. It’s a long story but here goes..

MIL used to have my eldest for two days a week while I went to work. However when I came back off maternity leave after having my second child she was unavailable to have my children due to having my sister in law’s child. I was a bit hurt but let this go, we were lucky to have her in the first place and it’s our responsibility to find childcare for our children.
Anyway she now very rarely sees our children, only when I ask if they can come and see her. She lives close and often sees them playing out but doesn’t come out to say hello unless they knock on the door. Her other grandchild is still there two days a week even when her parents aren’t working. On the odd occasion I ask her to have one of mine for an hour she’s always got plans, so I have stopped asking.
I recently had a miscarriage and she has never once asked how I am or if I need anything.
Recently, my eldest daughter has had chicken pox, and she hasn’t text or asked how she is, or if I need anything.
She knows my husband works long hours and I often struggle when one of the children is poorly with getting the other to school.
When she had covid I asked several times how she was and went to the shops for her.
Whenever she does see the children she posts on social media and makes hers out to be a doting Grandma.
My husband says ignore it, we don’t need her! But it really annoys me and I feel so sorry for my children when they ask why they can’t go to Grandma’s when their cousin always goes.
Anyone think I am being unreasonable to think she should make more effort?
Has anyone been in this situation and what can I do?
Xx

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 23/03/2022 18:24

Ime you distract your dc. Trip to their favourite fast food place worked here! Sil used to let herself into ils home for mil getting home from work. 5 days a week. Took 18 months to persuade mil to ask sil if my dc could get a look in. Strained for years. Saw them 3 hours a week as that was all sil would agree to..
Back away op. Save yourself the stress.

RedWingBoots · 23/03/2022 18:26

Looks like she can only have a relationship with one grandchild at a time.

Just back away and leave her be.

Littlemissprosecco · 23/03/2022 18:30

I don’t think there’s anything you can do. I’ve had this mil for 30 years, and I’ve tried really hard for 30 years, and nothing has changed. She pretends to be interested occasionally, when she wants something. This year, my eldest who’s at uni, won’t come back for the weekend to see her, as she doesn’t see the point. That’s a real shame, but you reap what you sow.

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Ionlydomassiveones · 23/03/2022 18:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

KylieCharlene · 23/03/2022 18:36

I'd ask her outright if we'd done something to upset her as she doesn't seem to enjoy spending time with us.
I'd also have to tell her the dc have noticed.
I'd then leave the rest up to her and see if she starts making an effort.
If not, then I'd stop making any effort with her. No phone calls or trips to the shop etc.

LittleOwl153 · 23/03/2022 23:26

You need to stop.

Stop contacting her,
Stop running around after her,
Stop putting the kids in a position where they see they are second best,
Stop giving her the Instagram family or the Facebook glory shots,
Stop going against your husbands wishes to ignore her - she's his family he knows what she's like.

Clearly she is favouring SILs kids over yours, clearly that is wrong. But you ain't gonna do anything to change that. She isn't interested. She's said that very clearly. YOU need to make your peace with that. Don't let the kids play near her door. They are young enough they will soon forget her. Let her go.

But don't think you need to go running back when she needs care - you don't need to so that either - let SIL take that burden. And it is not your problem if she doesnt. If I were you I'd make plans to move away from her doorstep before you get to that stage.

RedWingBoots · 24/03/2022 04:25

I forgot to add it is likely your MIL behaved this way with her own children. Ignoring one while doing everything for the other. Otherwise why would your DH tell you -
"My husband says ignore it, we don’t need her"?

Emily6457 · 25/03/2022 09:26

Yes, you are definitely right.
My husband’s older brother was always put before him. He was 7 years older and didn’t want a sibling, so MIL always made sure he didn’t feel ‘left out’. She’s openly admitted this and laughs about it. His brother was always jealous of our relationship, as we’d been together since we were 17. He didn’t like the fact his younger brother was settled down, married and had children before him. I think there’s a lot of sibling rivalry on his brother’s part, which has continued with the grandchildren.
You’re all right about ignoring her, I am not going to contact her until she contacts us now and see how long it takes.
I have an amazing family who adore our children and we are so lucky to have them! Xx

OP posts:
S3v3n · 15/03/2025 18:07

@Emily6457 hi OP. Interested to see what happened with this situation in the next few years. Am going through exactly the same now, could've written this myself x

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