4 month old - don't feel bond

[Itishard]

Hi, I'm writing this to see if anyone has any tips to help me.

I'm currently on maternity leave with my 4 month old daughter. I'm finding it really hard - the days drag and I'm often in tears in the morning at the thought of the day ahead. She's not a particularly hard baby but I just don't feel a bond and I wonder if I love her at all.

It was a hard pregnancy (after IVF) and a hard birth so I never let myself think she would actually survive, I had an emergency caesarian and I remember just being really surprised when she cried and was alive and okay.

I'm EBF and she's feeding every 2 hr or so (with a longer break of 4 hr at the start of the night) so it just feels pretty relentless. I live rurally so have a 20 min drive to the closest shop/cafe so don't get out much as it seems like such a faff. Although I have a dog so walk him once or twice a day.

I'm not really sure why I'm writing this to be honest, just wondering if anyone else had felt the same way and did anything help to improve it and build a bond?

My DD is coming up to 8 months now and it was and still is such hard work, and very lonely if you don't have support or groups aren't easy to get to so that part is normal.
But the way you're feeling about it sounds really difficult, have you considered PND, it may be with talking to the HV about that as a possibility?

I know you say you live rurally but it sounds like you do have a car which is fab. I would honestly make the effort to get to as many baby groups as possible. Even if you have to drive for half an hour to get there - make that part of the fun. Take a coffee with you for the journey, put on a podcast and enjoy the peace. Meeting and chatting to other mums is so important, and I always found I enjoyed my babies more when I could just relax and play with them out of the house. Then baby naps on the way home and the afternoon will go much quicker.

I know it feels like a faff but once you are in the car and on your way, you can relax and enjoy.

Congratulations on your baby OP, and sorry to hear you are having a challenging time emotionally. I agree with PP that the isolation and monotony won’t be helping the situation and I would really recommend you get out and about in the car, even if it is just to browse a few shops in the nearest town or have a coffee somewhere. I used to regularly drive to my local Waitrose, grab some nice bits for lunch and just enjoy the change of scene. Doesn’t have to be a baby class if you don’t fancy it, although I always enjoyed the sessions for babies at the library as they were low pressure, free and I could just decide on the day whether I fancied going or not.

It does sound like there are elements of possible PND that would be worth exploring with your GP / health visitor. PND is more common after IVF pregnancies and there are myriad reasons for that, but at least in part I believe it is due to the
fact that the often gruelling reality of new parenthood is almost impossible to match with the expectations and hopes and dreams that we create for ourselves during the desperate process of ttc / ivf etc. This was certainly the case for me, and I felt a huge pressure to enjoy every moment and live in a permanent state of #blessed once my precious IVF baby was finally in my arms. I too struggled with bonding (or at least my expectations of what the bonding would ‘feel’ like) and for me a huge part of that was due to the trauma of IVF and previous miscarriages such that all through the pregnancy I refused to allow myself to believe that I would leave hospital with a baby in my arms.

Anyway, apologies for the essay but so much of what you write resonates with me and I do believe that there are additional pressures / psychological factors in parenting after infertility that often need to be worked through and unpicked. I continued seeing my infertility counsellor long after I brought my baby home and it was so helpful.

PM me if you ever need a chat.

Just to add I found baby massage really helpful for bonding, as well as lots of skin to skin cuddles and long baths together.

Sorry to sound unclear but by EBF do you mean express breast feeding or exclusively breast feeding? Sorry I don't know all the acronyms on MN despite having been on here for ages. Anyway, if you're expressing then do consider combination feeding with some ready made formula cartons. I did this at 4 months after expressing since birth and it was a blessed relief, and so worth it to help me mentally.

Aside from that, know that it does get better, I promise. The baby will get more interesting the older they get, and their personality will start to show.

Your location does sound like a faff, but persevere and look up the most local mum and baby groups to attend. Try to do one thing each day.

Remember that in life, but most especially with babies everything is a phase. You think it's going to be like this forever and suddenly things change. Before you know it she'll be crawling, walking, talking, cuddling you, blowing you kisses and all sorts.

Finally, when you look at her just remember that she never asked to come into the world, but she did, and in doing so she answered all your prayers and wishes through your traumatic journey. You have been through a lot, so go easy on yourself, and also on her. You'll both be fine. I hope you feel happier soon OP 💕

Thanks for the replies, they really helped me yesterday when I was struggling.

@edithgrantham I hope you're doing okay, 8 months is a long time to find it hard. Unfortunately I don't have a HV just now as one left and hasn't been replaced. I don't think it's PND as I'm fine when my husband is around - it's just the Mon-Fri repetitiveness I struggle with.

@Holly60 - thanks for the kick up the rear. I was reading your message as a group in the local town started so managed to get myself there for part of it. There's only the one session locally but I think you're right and even that will help.

I felt a bit like this, months 3 - 6 were definitely hardest for me. The new baby madness has worn off but you’re not at a point where you’re getting anything back and the days just drag. I struggled with bond with DD too, everything just felt repetitive and exhausting. Mad as I thought I was going to be such a baby person and it was toddlers I’d struggle with! As it is, DD is 19 months now and she’s honestly my best little pal (even with toddler tantrums!) There’s always something going on inside her brain and it’s busy but fun, I love seeing her learn about the world and we really have the best connection. I can sit and play with her for hours, something I have to admit I loathed doing when she was tiny because what was the point?

It does get better in my experience and as soon as they’re on the move with crawling etc everything changes! But in the meantime I’d agree, get out and about as much as possible. I thought I was being kind to myself by not forcing myself to do stuff, but actually I found getting into a routine every day was the best thing for us - I would make sure that I was showered and dressed by 9am as we always seemed to have our worst days if I was still in pjs after that (although I guess you’ve got that covered with the dog walks!). We always went out for a walk for nap 1, then when we got back it was always an episode of The Baby Club on iPlayer (we were in lockdown at this stage for me so no real life ones sadly!). Then in the afternoon we’d just do chores and stuff, she loved going around the supermarket and then I’d batch cook in the afternoon while she was sat next to me in the bouncer. It wasn’t very exciting admittedly! But it got us (me, really) through those months when nothing felt like it was happening. The bond comes though, don’t panic too much if you just feel like you’re going through the motions - they don’t give much back at this stage!

Thanks for the detailed reply @Puddlelane123, I did wonder if the IVF was part of it. Getting pregnant just seemed so unreal to me. We didn't have any contact with a counsellor through the process at all. My husband thinks I may have wind expectations of what a bond should feel like so you're maybe right there as well. I do enjoy our baths together and I'll Google baby massage today and give that a go - thanks for the suggestions.

@Itishard I just want to say that I completely understand where you are coming from, our situations are very similar! Before I went on maternity leave I thought I would enjoy being at home with the baby but I really struggle if I’m at home all day. Baby classes have been a life saver and even though it can be stressful trying to get ready to leave the house I really enjoy it once I’m out and about.

I dont think anyone realises how hard having a baby is. What you've got is basically a feeding, shitting machine that makes a horrible noise on top of having no sleep. Quite honestly I found my cats more pleasant to spend time with.
Things changed when DS started showing his personality and I could teach him things.
I'm not a baby person and found that stage very tedious. I remember longing for adult company.
It will pass. DS is 40 now and I wouldn't change things for the world.

It's such a hard time OP, try not to beat yourself up.

Unfortunately we are told that we will all have this amazingly strong bond with out children - and this isn't always true. Good news is that it will come with time. I didn't particularly feel boned with either of mine - I looked after them well but the deep feeling of love just wasn't there for many, many months.

It's bloody hard being a mother, an exhausting and thankless task.

A lot of the time they don't really "give" you much at that age. Don't pressure yourself. I did feel a bond with DS from the beginning, but it was more something I took for granted was there under the surface than something I felt actively much of the time. A lot of what I felt on the surface was irritation! I found at 6 months with solids starting and my DS continually developing more of a little character I felt closer to him in some ways. The breastfeeding got a bit easier - and yes, it is a bloody grind, I feel you on that. He also became happier and more interactive at that age - he hated being a tiny baby, not being able to move independently and pick things up - sounds silly but you could see the frustration! You do have to get to know your kid like anyone, though it seems weird to say that when you grew them lol.

You really don't have to love the baby stage - my DH does but it's a lot easier for him to love it lol. I like 8/9 months on so much more, even the terrible twos - when they can communicate more.

One thing I would say is not to worry that you're not making the most of it etc. I know factually I was miserable and felt ill a lot of the time when DS was a baby but I still look back on that time so fondly, because I remember DS as a baby in the light of the bond we subsequently built, if that makes sense. My memories are good even if it wasn't all good at the time, because they are memories about my little boy. "Fake it till you make it" and don't worry you're doing it wrong. If you're anything like me it will get better. At four months it feels like it's been forever and you still have millennia of babyhood to go, but it might well start getting easier and more fun soon.

Hi OP
I had a lot of problems bonding. I had a difficult pregnancy for lots of reasons, and moved cities blah blah. I never really gave much thought to having an actual live baby, and it felt very unreal to bring one home and for this to be my life. I had an emergency section, and honestly just felt like it was all a weird dream and not my life at all.
It took me months to feel that bond, but it really did happen. Not in a lightening bolt way, but just a deep getting to know you way, and now I'm addicted to him.
What helped me was antidepressants, therapy (you may not be depressed but if you are do seek help from your GP). Also I got a strong routine going, I hated being stuck at home on my own. I made sure I had something planned in the morning and afternoon every day, and stuck to it, just to feel like there was some purpose and forward movement in life.
It will come, I promise! Just hang in there

OP - you’re feelings are totally valid. You can love your baby but hate the monotony of parenting. I’ve had covid for the last week so haven’t been out to baby swimming/baby groups and I’m climbing the walls - even with my husband around to help out.

The groups are so worth it for having “something” to do - I didn’t realise quite how badly I needed them until I’ve been forced to miss out. I’d really suggest trying to get out to groups - even just a couple of days a week.

Your baby is also at the age that is out of the newborn stage but can’t be left alone to play by themselves. Wishing you the best OP.

Your feelings are completely valid OP. I’m pretty certain I loved DS in a scary, overwhelming way when he was a baby (but I’m not sure, to be honest)…but I couldn’t stand the day to day monotony and drudgery of having a small baby. I didn’t enjoy any of maternity leave if I’m honest. He was a lockdown baby so we had quite a similar, isolated experience. I had a relatively easy pregnancy but a traumatic birth.

He’s nearly 2 now, I’m back to work part time, the world has opened up more and I just adore the ground he walks on. I literally love having a toddler - he’s hard work, don’t get me wrong, but as well as giving me grey hairs he also enriches my life in a way I didn’t think possible. As a PP has said, it wasn’t a light bulb moment, but a gradual improvement and acceptance of the new norm.

If you can face it, I recommend trying to get out to…well anything really, where other people are. Baby groups and swimming and sensory are fab, but just anywhere really. It so helps break up the day and give structure. And if she naps in the car en route home all the better!

@Itishard
I'm sorry to read your message. I felt exactly the same with my DS! He was born after 3 hard years of infertility and treatment. I was then pregnant and gave birth during the middle of the pandemic. My labour has awful and not being able to see family was one of the hardest things I've ever done. For me too, I'd not dare to 'love' my baby either. Looking back I think your body goes into self preservation and protection mode after so many years of heartache. For me, it got easier and easier as the months went by. From 6 months i had some days where I enjoyed it. When the day has more structure with meals and more predictable naps and better night sleep it does get easier. I've realised the baby stage is not for me and I much prefer a toddler (albeit a demanding one). My DS is 16 months now and I adore him. Don't be so hard on yourself lovely, take each day as it comes. Try and take some time for you if you can. 10 minutes to paint your nails or read a book. Thinking of you xx