Babies and funerals...experiences please

[LittleBottle]

I need some advice/experiences if anyone has any to share...

My BIL died suddenly 2 days after Christmas - he was in his late 30s, married, with a very young child. We are all devastated, it was totally out of the blue and completely unexpected, so far we don't know what the cause was.

The funeral is next week, and my FIL has told me it's OK to bring my 5mo DS with me, but I don't know if he's just saying that to be polite, as I told him that DS is still exclusively breastfed and has trouble taking a bottle, so can't really be left with anyone. Besides, just about everyone we know will be at the funeral, which limits babysitting choices.

So, I have 2 possibilities really:
A. Take DS to the funeral, sit near the back so we can leave if he is noisy (he has just discovered how to squeal, loudly) but risk disapproval from others for taking a little baby to a funeral, or

B. I will not go to the church service, and possibly just go to the wake with DS. But I really do want to pay my respects, and I would feel awful if I couldn't be there.

Any experiences of taking a small baby to a funeral? Anyone been in a similar situation, and what did you do? Thanks

Go. People brought their children to my ds's funeral and I didn't mind one bit, infact it was nice to see them there.

You need to go and say your goodbyes as well. A squeal from a joyful baby is not a sign of disrespect and anyone who thinks so is an arse.

So sorry to hear about your bil xx

I believe very strongly that children should be allowed to attend funerals. Funerals are part of life, as are babies.
Would your sil be offended if your ds was there? Is her child going? (I'm asking as that may set a precedent).
good luck

When my grandmother died, I had 2 children, one aged 22 months and the other 4 months. It did not occur to me to leave them at home (as you say, who with?) nor did it occur to me their presence would upset anyone. Quite the opposite in fact. I think small children should be seen at funerals. It helps the bereaved to see that although one life has ended, other lives are starting out.

I am sorry for your unexpected loss.

Sorry for your loss - thoughts are with you.

I'd say take your ds. I took dd (then 8mo) to my grandmother's funeral, and everyone was fine with it. I cannot imagine anyone disapproving TBH.

Sorry for your loss - very sad.

I would take him. He will be fine and I think most people wouldn't have a problem with it.

yes, sorry for your loss.
I don't think anyone would mind you having your baby with you. To be honest, they'll be concentrating on the actual funeral and probably won't even notice any noise the little one might make.
Hope it goes ok x x

i would take him and sit at the back.then you can still pay your respects and if he does kick off you can slip out. good luck and sorry to hear about your loss

Sorry about the loss of your BiL . How horrible for you and your family.

My feeling would be to find someone to hold DS for you for half an hour while you in church. They could perhaps drive round the block a few times or sit in a warm cafe nearby.

Sadly I have been to a lot of funerals recently. One was someone my age even. I have never seen anyone take a baby, or even a child below 12 or 13. I remember my parents humming and arring about letting me go to my grandmother's funeral when I was 15. My sister didn't go and she was 12.

Mind you, this is deepest darkest Yorkshire and my family do 'professional' funerals.

I took ds2 aged about the same to my nan's funeral, I managed to find a babysiter for ds1 but as you say, everyone on that side of the family was at the funeral, and MIL refused to babysit. I was close to my Nan and felt I needed Dh there, so ds2 came along.

Had he cried etc I would of course had removed him, and we sat near the back for this. It didn't happen though.

willa dmit it was easier as the funeral director was a family friend, but can't see why a 5 month old would be a problem- older child who could disrupt or be scared yes, but not a baby.

Sorry for your loss

I'm so sorry to hear about your BIL. I took my 5 month old DS to my husband's grandfather's funeral along with my other three (older) and my neice and nephew. I bf the lo all the way through the service and the other five sobbed quietly. I felt it was the right thing to do and so did my dcs. I too just couldn't have gone otherwise.

I also took a mobile 13 monther to crem and then funeral service of our very dearest best family friend for same reason. More stressy but okay.

However, I didn't take my 18month, 2.5 and 3.10 year olds to my mother's funeral many years ago because I felt I had to grieve and couldn't give them the attention we needed. We did a little service with them in church with the coffin the night before when we could give them all our attention and they put flowers from the garden on her coffin.

Go with your instincts. Is the service in a church. If so you might like to ring the vicar/minister and ask where would be best to sit, if they have an "escape" area etc. Even if they don't you would get them thinking and that can only be a good thing.

LB, sorry for the loss of your BIL.
My dd was 5.5months and I took her to a funeral about 2 weeks ago. It was fine. When you get to the church ask where there is a room where you can go to BF if your DS starts squealing or getting upset.
Dd got a bit squealy because she was excited at all the people and my DH whisked her away to a room and gave her a bottle (unfortunately she then started screaming but no-one semmed to mind ). We were family so at the front of the church but it was easy just to sneak out and I am sure no-one will mind.
Hope it all goes well.

Thanks for your responses My BIL's son won't be there as he is 2.6 and would likely find it too distressing - not sure about any other children. My DS is usually a calm, chilled little thing so hopefully will be OK. I really don't want to have to leave him, as it will be a hard enough day without missing my baby too

Take him.
5m is young enough not to be upsetting for DS.
Your BIL would want him there.
My DB died this suddenly summer and my DCs 2, and 4 were too old to go to the funeral, as the grief is overwhleming, but my cousins babies all came and jiggled around.
Good luck

I took DS, who was eight weeks at the time, to the funeral of a family friend who died in her 20s. I made sure he was changed and fed and quite sleepy, and he dozed in his sling throughout. Much later, some people told me they found it quite comforting to have a baby there in a funny sort of way. Hope this helps and it goes ok for you and your family.

My DH's grandma died recently and my MIL wanted us to bring our then 14 month old DD.

We sat near the back ans she was fairly good in her sling. However she did chirp the odd 'hello' when the vicar poped up to speak. Danced and joined in the singing of the Hymes (still in the sling)

She did get bored towards te end and I had to leave the church and stand in the hall. As the entrance had massive 10 foot hugh, shut doors and I didn't dare try to open them.

But MIL was pleased we had come, though I found the whole thing very stressful. I would talk to the family and ask what they would prefer.

I think that 5 mo is OK.

I have a 2 yo and he can sometimes shout or say funny things in church (like 'mummy do you need a pooh?) so I wouldn't take him, but I don't see a problem at all with 5 mo. If you take a sling or pushchair, you can always go out for a little stroll if he gets upset.

Sorry to hear your sad news. My uncle died recently just before Christmas. His funeral took place when our son was just 7 weeks old. There was no question of him not being there. As someone else said, funerals are just part of life as is our son and our Uncle would not have had it any other way. We sat at the end of a pew where it would have been easier to take him out. I made sure he was well fed before we went to maximise the length of time before his next feed. He slept right through it all - it is easier with little ones I would imagine.

All the best and hope it goes ok.

sadly my dd went to two funerals by the time she was 6 months old.

the first, when she was 3 months was my uncle's. She slept in her car seat for the whole thing. Had she cried, I would have taken her out immediatly, and sat at the back of the Chapel. There was no family member that could have her, as they were all at the funeral, and I no longer live in that part of the UK, so no friends to have her either.

At 6 months she went to my father's funeral. She went to the Chapel service but not to the crematorium. My MIL took her after the first service. Dd didn't make a sound for the whole thing, and just watched the minister. He later told me he had never see a child of that age be so quiet.

Sorry to hear of your loss

I am another wh says take your baby. At 5 months, he won't have an inkling whats going on, and he will probably be of some comfort to you and your DH.

Like you say, if he has a moment, as they all do, ypou can step out for a bit

Also, haveing a lovely little baby there will give everyone something nice to focus on.

I agree with most of whats been said before. Take him and he will bring comfort to you and your family at this difficult time.

I have taken all my children to the funerals I have been to (3 not many admittedly), with one exception, the funeral of a child where I did not feel this was appropriate

Just to point out if you are at a crematorium you may not be allowed to leave by the back door as the next procession will be congregating waiting for their turn.

Keep strong x

So sorry for your loss.

I sadly had to take my 5 month old ds to a funeral, even sadder was that it was one of his "friends" who was also 5 months old. I had spoken to his parents before hand and they assured me that it was ok to take him.

We sat at the back, along with another couple of mums, took some quiet toys - cuddly type, and when he started to murmer I just fed him, it was fine. The service was at a crem so only half an hour.

Your FIL has said its fine, you are immediate family so I really wouldnt worry, as you said if he kicks off you can always take him outside.

Another person here who has taken a baby to a funeral. We strongly believe that funerals are for adults though (we think that children are usually too small to appreciate them unless they are very close) so we sat at the back and as soon as DD got a bit funny I snuck out. Unless you let your baby yell throughout the whole proceedings so that no-one can hear the eulogy, I don't see how anyone could be offended.

I think that babies are positively welcome at the wake afterwards, for the same reason that others have mentioned - they can provide a welcome distraction and talking point, and are a reminded of the positive side of life.

PS forgot to add how sorry I am for your loss.

Sorry to hear about your BIL. We took our ds1 to the funeral of my dh's grandfather. He was 9 months. The service actually lasted an hour and a half. Ds1 lasted about half an hour. My dh took him out to the lobby room so he could crawl about without disturbing everyone and was quite glad of the head space seeing to ds1 gave him - but each to their own. Others that were there did say how nice it was to see him there. There were several small (i.e. pre-school) children there though, so I don't think it's that unusual.

I took my DD to my aunt's funeral. DD was about 3 months at the time. I was apprehensive, especially since it would mean a very long day for DD and I wasn't sure about how quiet she'd be during the service. As it turned out, she cried, I took her out (and back in once she'd calmed down) and my cousin later said it helped him to connect with the real world at a really emotive and stressful time. I'd take him if I were you, both to the service and the wake.