Is it Fair

[ViralDad]

Hi!

So I am a work from home dad. I work 1pm-1am and do 3 shifts on 3 shifts off, so normally about 48 hours per week. During my working hours I also look after my 2 boys, one is 8 months and the other is 3.

I do this as my wife works, however I am getting a bit fed up. The reason why is that I have been the one to get up at 6am-7am every single morning for months now. I do this as my wife works hard but even on her days off I still get up as she refuses, even when I start work at 1pm.

To give you a better understanding here is a typical day:

I go to bed the night before normally falling asleep between 2am-3am.
Get up at 6-7am, feed eldest, give baby bottle and baby breakfast food. Change nappies etc.. basically look after kids till 9am/10am when both kids go to bed for a nap as do I until 12.45pm at the latest which I then get up to start work. I then work and my wife normally will get up then if she is not at work.

However during the night if the baby wakes up I am still the one who gets up majority of the time to give him his dummy or get him to go back to sleep.

If our eldest wakes up needing the toilet I am also the one to get up. Yes she wakes up but refuses to get out of bed unless the kids will not settle.

I have asked her many times that I just need 1 day a week where I am not getting up in the morning, I don't even remember the last time I slept past 8am. Everytime I ask it always ends up in an argument.

She works really hard as well but I need just 1 day a week where I dont have to get up in the morning. Am I asking for too much?

How are you even managing to work 12 hr shifts while looking after 2 kids including an 8 month? Why aren’t they in nursery?

Obviously you aren’t asking too much, you are both working full time so the childcare tasks should be split evening. Your wife doesn’t get to “refuse” to do mornings or wake-up’s.
Are you saying your wife doesn’t get up until almost 1pm on the days she is off?
Are you sure she doesn’t have quite serious PP depression? That doesn’t seem normal.

Of course she should be sharing the load far, far more - if this is true, your wife lying in until 12:45 on her off days while you have both the kids is madness (assuming she works relatively ‘normal’ office hours). Your issues go far beyond this though. Unless your job requires next to zero mental and physical commitment, your children should be in formal childcare while both of you work. You don’t say what hours your wife works, but assuming she doesn’t leave the house at 5am, you should share the pick up and drop off equally, picking up slack when you both have off days and having a rota when you are both working. I also can’t believe you have a 3 year old who gets up at ~6:30 and is happy to nap at ~9:30! What are you going to do when their and hence your nap disappears?

I also work from home and have my kids home. I never knew it was possible to be so mentally destroyed.

YANBU the morning where my husband does the morning save me for the rest of the week. It gives me just a enough rest to survive.

You should just refuse one day. Or get up and leave the house.

Thank you all for your reply.

Just to give more context of the hours we both work here is this weeks working hours:

Myself

Monday 1pm-1am
Tuesday 1pm-1am
Wednesday 1pm-1am
Thursday off
Friday off
Saturday off
Sunday 1pm-1am

My wife

Monday 6am-11am
Tuesday 5.30am-9.30am
Wednesday off
Thursday 4pm-10.30pm
Friday 5pm-10.40pm (2nd job)
Saturday 5.30am-1.30pm / 5pm-10.30pm (2nd job)
Sunday 5pm-10.30pm (2nd job)

Our eldest is in playgroup and does not start school fulltime until May. He currently goes Tuesday and Wednesday, 12pm-3pm as this is all we can afford. I drive him and pick him up, if I am at work I take my 1 our lunch early to get him.

My job is in techical/customer support and does indeed require no physical labour just mental labour. I do have daily stats to hit but usually catch up after the kids go to bed at 8pm.

My eldest is used to going down for a nap at 9.30pm as we have stuck to a routine, when he starts school full time the naps will stop for him, for me they wont as I am not able to function without that morning nap.

If my wife is off work and we have nothing planned for the day then yes she will get up with me at around 12pm.

I am like you @AskingforaBaskin I need that 1 morning in order to survive and she just doesnt get it.

Any advice is appreciated.

I'm not sure I quite understand; I mean, what is your wife's justification for never contributing to night wake-ups or early mornings? It needs to be a fair split. In my situation, my husband too does almost all of the mornings at the weekends, but this is because I do 100% of the night wakings for our baby (I'm breastfeeding) and our other 3 children too, on the rare occasions they need me in the night. He's up early for work, I'm up early for school days, and I get a couple of hours on Saturdays and Sundays to catch up on missed sleep for the rest of the week. If ever I have a night where my baby has not woken up (very rare), I try to let my husband have a lie-in too.

You need to sit down and have a serious conversation about working out a fair plan. It's currently unfair and unsustainable for you. I'd be interested to hear her justification for the current set-up?

Your wife is being a lazy sod. She works part time.

Childcare should be split 50/50 when both parents are working.