Newborn and toddler and I can't cope

[Onegoingontwo]

I feel like I'm neglecting my newborn and putting him in danger. My DD is 21 months and is non verbal. She's hitting bitting spitting kicking climbing... Everything under the sun that is physical and she's been like this for months before my DS (4 weeks old) arrival. I have tried everything possible to get her to calm down before his arrival to no avail and now he is here she's a hundred times worse.

She's actually dangerous around him. If I go away (such as the bedroom protected by a stairgate) she will scream and do everything in her power to knock down the stairgate. I've had her head stuck in between stairgate and walls and it's been ripped off more times than I can count. And when she finally does get to me she tugs on my hair pulls on my face hit and slaps me all until I have stopped feeding him. At first she was just abusive to me but now in the last week she's no longer afraid of DS so will hurt him. She managed to hit him with a toy this morning and he still has a mark on his head a couple of hours later.

I feel like I have to wear him constantly to keep him safe but of course this winds her up even more. I don't get a break from her going mental she is just relentless. And he's very clingy so he hates being put down. I feel like I can get the play gym out or interact with him as I can't handle her. If I stand up and try and interact with him standing up she's biting my legs and screaming at the top of her lungs. If I sit down it's just as bad as feeding. By the time she goes to bed I'm exhausted and manage an hour of interacting/stimulating him but sometimes he's not awake during this time. I just feel like I'm failing him as a mother and failing my DD.

Any tips or advice? I cant afford childcare and getting help from family isn't really an option nor a permenant solution.

I have a similar age gap between my two DCs. They are grown up now, but I had a few issues with the elder after the younger was born

What worked was involving the elder child in the care of the baby. So helping at nappy change, holding the bottle, "keeping an eye" while mummy had a wee etc.
it made her feel involved and like she had some responsibility.
She also had other "jobs" like helping mummy when the toilet roll was empty.

It helped a lot.

Also ive tried "time outs" and putting her in the corner etc but she doesn't stay there and doesn't listen to me nor do I think she even understands me. All I seem to do is tell her off so I try and limit that unless it's absolutely necessary otherwise all I will be doing is saying no and telling her off. I never hit her so I have no idea where she has learnt all this from. It's awful.

I wish I could do this! She doesn't understand but I will keep trying to reinforce her helping out. Also she has pika so eats any paper, baby wipes, toilet roll etc in sight!

Do you have any tips to better introduce her helping out?

Do you have concerns about her behaviour op?

Asking as an autistic person. Apparently I was similar as a toddler.

Hi op I have 3 all under 5 and the best advice I can give is just involve her make her feel grown up- you say she doesn't really understand but maybe when you do the baby's bum ask her to wipe him also (I used do this when he was clean an they found it the best thing ever) when feeding maybe give her a dolly to feed etc, it is hard but when you ask them to help it makes them feel so grown up and helps you?
my oldest 2 have SEN so roles have turned now and my 2 yo helps me tons he gets me nappy's an wipes out and everything now he's such a help and he's brilliant with them if they get upset he gets them toys etc If I'm sorting the other.
Just helps getting them involved and making them feel grown up and needed! Xx

Also contact your health visitor or mention it when they come do the baby's checks see what suppor and advice they can offer xx

Autism runs in the family but it's only on the boy side so never thought about it? I just get told by family she's a typical toddler but wouldn't really know the signs to look out for.

A lot of what you describe about her behaviour is how my youngest was at a similar age and he was diagnosed with ASD at age 4.

I would contact your Health Visitor and ask them to come and observe her behaviour.

It is tricky because she is non-verbal so cannot tell you how she is feeling or what she wants and that frustration can lead to expression of negative behaviours.

When my son had speech and language support arranged via the HV a lot of that changed because he had a way to communicate.

The HV can also arrange support in the way of local services, playgroups, nursery placements etc to help you.

In the meantime have you got a playpen that you can put either one of them in so that you can keep them apart but in the room where you can see them. It would mean that you could keep an eye on the baby whilst spending 1:1 time with her. If you go to the toilet take baby with you in a sling/bassinet or buggy or get a lock high up on the door where she cannot reach to stop access to the room the baby is in temporarily whilst you are out of the room and not able to observe if she can get past the safety gates. If you have a baby monitor you can take it with you to keep an ear out for baby.

She is probably feeling a bit insecure with the new arrival needing so much of your attention so finding a way to give her this whilst the baby is sleeping would be good. I used to take mine to playgroup and give my toddler attention whilst others held the baby as that made it easier.

It sounds so hard you must be exhausted.

This isn't typical toddler behaviour, inconjunction with the lack of speech and understanding it is extremely likely your child has additional needs.
Talk to your HV

It does sound like she would benefit from an assesment, try your health visitor or GP for advice. It will get worse the longer you leave if to seek professional help.

I have a similar gap between my children and this doesn't sound like typical toddler behaviour to me.

2 under 2 is hard enough but this sounds so challenging. I would be speaking to my HV and seeing if they can offer any support.

Do you have a partner around?

This is NOT typical toddler behaviour!
Tantrums, yes. Attention demanding, yes. Nose out of joint cos of new sibling, yes.
Endless screaming, violent meltdowns, no.
Her behaviour is extreme and I would suggest you see a healthcare professional as soon as possible. The fact that she is completely non- verbal is also unusual, you would perhaps expect at least a few words by this stage (although is know some children aren’t talking by this stage)
It’s does all sound very overwhelming, do you get any help? Where is the children’s father?

I so sorry this is happening to you;it must be unbelievably difficult.The behaviours your DD is showing are very concerning;from what you describe along with developmental delays sounds as though your DD is on the spectrum.

Change is challenging for any toddler but horrendous for one with ASD;I can imagine some of the things about a newborn such as the noise of their crying etc can be a sensory overload.

Please contact your health visitor as a matter of urgency.

Those behaviours you said sound like autism to me. It's very hard to be picked up in girls, and as it runs through the family it wouldn't hurt to ask your health visitor or GP. It may just be her age but it may not.

Agree with others about this behaviour seeming extreme. I have similar age gap and although DS was challenging it but nothing compared to your DC, especially as this was an issue before baby arrived. I would seek further help & support via HV and GP as has been suggested.

Contact the HV. Your DDs behaviour alongside being non-verbal would warrant a referral. They may want to delay until she’s older but don’t allow them to do this. I pushed at 26 months for a referral and I’m still on the waiting list 10 months later. Get a videos of her acting out because it’s hard to get a clear picture in one visit. I would emphasis the danger to your newborn because once these things are documented it will make it harder for them to fob you.

Thank you all for your messages. I'll contact HV as soon as on Monday and go from there. It's a small glimmer of hope for some support when I initially thought there was none and would never be for a long while. My partner is around but he works full-time but is really understanding and takes over the moment he walks in

Pica is commonly associated with ASD so I'd definitely be looking for more support from the HV.

Also, I know you say childcare isn't affordable right now, but is there any way you could put it on a credit card and pay it off when you go back to work after maternity leave? If not working then will you be getting the 20 hours free funding when she hits 2? If so, again, I'd look at putting a small amount of nursery hours on a credit card until she's two to give you both a bit of space (obviously only do this if you are going to be able to pay it off in the relatively short term future).

Hi OP. Just wanted to add. My DS showed signs of ASD after my second DS came along. Not behavioural issues, more not making eye contact, not imitating, non-verbal. We put him into nursery at 22 months for two mornings a week and it really really helped him. They found him a real struggle to start with, because of his inability/refusal to connect, but he got there eventually. We saw a real difference at home. Starting speech therapy when he was 27 months old was the real turning point. Your DD is at an age where her speech should be developing, and not being able to communicate effectively will be causing all sorts of issues for her and you. The behavioural problems are the urgent issues here but don’t let the HV overlook lack of speech.

I really fought for referrals and support through HV but the lack of behavioural issues meant my DS couldn’t get a proper referral. He’s got a speech disorder but I had to go private for speech therapy. Having been through the process, I am confident your DD meets the criteria for a proper referral.

If you wanted to PM please do.