Setting a bad example to toddler?

[confusedmum43]

DS, aged 2, was playing very happily in the sandpit at a stay and play session yesterday. An older kid (probably around 3?) suddenly came over and snatched the toys he was using, even though there were multiple other toys nearby in the sandpit. I wasn’t sure what to do, so I sat by and let the other child take the toys whilst telling DS that it’s nice to share. DS gave me what was clearly a confused, upset look as if to say, ‘Why have you let this other child just come and snatch the toys Mummy’? I now feel like the worst mum in the world, like I should have taken them back off the other child and stood up for my son. I was just a bit worried about telling off someone else’s child (even though their parent/carer was nowhere to be seen). What’s the best course of action in this sort of scenario?

If it was me I would absolutely ask the child for the toy back. Yes it's nice to share but it's also unkind to snatch.

I'm exactly the same OP. I hate confrontation and am not very good with other people's kids so will be following this for advice!

I would have said sternly 'excuse me, can you give him his toys back please? You can get a turn after him shortly!' However hindsight is a wonderful thing and you were probably taken by surprise

I would probably have said something (loudly) like 'oh no let's not snatch, let's give that back to DD and find you something else to play with', and then offer a few other toys to that child. And desperately hope a parent came over so I could explain what I was trying to do. I'm aware that 3 is still very young, and sometimes when they are older that your 'baby' you can expect a lot of them. Especially in relation to sharing in a group situation.

Thanks. I feel like I really let down DS - he looked to me for guidance and I gave none

I probably wouldn’t ask for the toy back. Id say to DS (quite loudly…) something like, ‘How frustrating, you were playing with that and someone took it off you, that’s not very fair. Let’s go and find something else to play with’. Acknowledging his feelings without getting confrontational would be my approach. If the parent hears all the better. Probably double standards as if DS took a toy off another child I’d give it back, but he’ll have to learn some day that parenting standards differ.

I would have said something but everyone is different, I take my kids to a sand park near us we take our own sand toys and kids constantly try to steal the toys off them even when I have bought them myself, if you want your child to have toys in the park buy your own. Slightly different to what happened with you but I would have still said something.

Well you have to judge the situation don't you - you either redirect the child 'oh DS is playing with that, let's find you something else to play with' or you redirect your own child 'oh here's another shiny thing for you DS'. And the response you choose depends on your mood on the day, your DC's temperament, the lack of parental supervision of the other child, etc etc.

What you don't do imo is start talking about sharing - it's not true, that wasn't sharing, it's also extremely PA if a parent is just a step behind their kid. I also think there's something about not assuming a child who could only be a couple of months older than yours has a much more highly developed sense of right and wrong.

But above all, it's soft play. It's hell and you've years of it ahead. Don't overthink it.

Poor response from you OP but next time you’ll be better prepared

What you don't do imo is start talking about sharing - it's not true, that wasn't sharing, it's also extremely PA if a parent is just a step behind their kid.

@MaChienEstUnDick That’s true - it wasn’t sharing at all! BTW what is ‘PA’? As stated above there was no parent/carer in sight.

To the people who would ask for the toy back - would you grab it back off the other child and hand it back to yours? Or just ask for it back and if they didn’t return it, do something else?

No I wouldn’t grab it, I would ask for it back, I’ve never had a child who hasn’t given it back tbh.

I probably wouldn’t ask for the toy back. Id say to DS (quite loudly…) something like, ‘How frustrating, you were playing with that and someone took it off you, that’s not very fair. Let’s go and find something else to play with’.

I agree with this approach. I'm not that interested in getting into a stand off with someone else's toddler, mine is enough. And what do you do if they ignore your command to return the toy?!

Don't beat yourself up it happened suddenly and you were taken by surprise. It's hard reprimanding other people's children. Next time I would ask the other child firmly but nicely to give it back. I have that three year old now who all of a sudden hates sharing and does snatch and if this happened without me seeing it I would absolutely be happy with the other parent putting them in their place a bit! They have to learn.

@confusedmum43

To the people who would ask for the toy back - would you grab it back off the other child and hand it back to yours? Or just ask for it back and if they didn’t return it, do something else?

Of course I wouldn't snatch a toy out of a 3 year olds hand! At that age they're still learning the rules and are generally incapable of following them at all times.

It's very easy to skip past these things and just move your kid on to something else as a distraction.

Don't feel bad op. It's hard to know what to do sometimes in those situations, you're dealing with toddlers! Your wee boy will have forgotten. Didn't beat yourself up.

@confusedmum43

What you don't do imo is start talking about sharing - it's not true, that wasn't sharing, it's also extremely PA if a parent is just a step behind their kid.

@MaChienEstUnDick That’s true - it wasn’t sharing at all! BTW what is ‘PA’? As stated above there was no parent/carer in sight.

Pa = passive aggressive, but only if there is a parent in earshot (and if done in a sing song voice).

I would ask for it back. I think it's good to model what you want DC to be able to do.

My DD until about the last 6 months or so has been a total wet lettuce at groups lol she's 4 in summer and only in the last few months will she stand up for herself. Until then she'd even get anxious and let tiny babies snatch things off her then come crying to me about it...I mean I can't go snatching things back out of the hands of a 1 yr old can I?! I agree with PP that I would validate your DS's feelings and explain that it was unkind and we don't do that, I tend to say that some children don't know that x behaviour is unkind if asked why they've done it. Then move on and find something else fun to do. I will help them hold on to things/move things out of another child's reach though if I can prevent the snatching from occurring, and I will say things like oh DD is playing with that right now, you can have a turn later when she's finished. And if there's something else within reach I will offer it up and say how about you have this thing?