Regretting having a second child

[Walton45123]

Just that really. Dd is 5 months and is a lovely happy healthy baby. I love her, of course I do, but if I’m honest I think I’ve ruined everything by having a second child.
Ds is 3 and has gone from being a happy, cheeky little soul to a total nightmare - not all of the time, but he can be so incredibly difficult now, playing up at bedtime, trashing his room, throwing things, running away. He tells me he likes his sister (without being asked) which is nice, but his behaviour otherwise is not great. I really struggle to look after them both, especially with breastfeeding. Dh is an amazing dad but I feel so guilty, he works crazy hours as a deputy head of a school, and almost every evening he has to put ds to bed because dd goes down at the same time and screams if it’s anyone except me. I do try to do bath time with ds when I can but often I can hear dd screaming downstairs, which just winds ds up.
I am worried about Dh’s mental health as well, he says he’s miserable and gets no pleasure from anything, and often bursts into tears.
I just feel like I’ve ruined everything. We were a happy unit of 3 and I wanted a second child. Now everyone’s unhappy. Most of my mum friends from my first pregnancy have stuck with one child and their children are so much better behaved.
I feel I am just wishing dd’s babyhood away - she still wakes up 2-3 times a night. I can’t wait to stop breastfeeding, get rid of the horrible clunky pram etc.
I know there’s nothing to be done, I’ve made this happen and it’s my fault. I feel terrible and have let dh, my son and in a way my daughter down. Any advice gratefully received.

We have a similar age gap and I am pretty sure I was looking up old "regret having a second child" threads on Mumsnet when I was at your stage. Both DH and I found it so hard.

It's incredible to look back though as I'm now SO happy we had a second, things have got so much easier over time and they now have a lovely sibling relationship. Hang in there it will get better.

Give it time op. Coping with a newborn and a preschooler is difficult. I’ve been through it and my advice is similar to a pp and that’s to involve your ds in as much as you can. When the baby is feeding, get ds to bring a book.
Ask ds to help with things.
Let him cuddle his sister as much as he wants.
Ask for his opinions on things.
Take them both out as much as you can. The weather is getting better so trips to the parks can be nicer now.
Soon you’ll be able to do bath times together for them. Then put Dd down first and have some extra time with ds. Can you start putting Dd down first from now?
It will get easier. The most important thing to invest time in now is making sure all the family are feeling connected with each other and are able to spend time with each other.
Even if it’s all cuddling on the sofa in front of Peppa pig or a film.

Mine dc are 18 months apart and I felt like you. We’d just turned a corner w dc1 and the dc2 arrived and it was back to square one.

It’s tough and you may feel a bit annoyed at yourself for your decisions, but honestly, even though it was SO hard at the time I wouldn’t change it now they’re a bit older.

Watching them play together is amazing and they love each other so wholehearted that it makes my sacrifices worth it.

You’ve not ruined anything two little kids is always hard for a period. What concerns me though is your husband, he sounds very unwell if he’s randomly crying and saying he gets no pleasure from anything. He likely needs to see his doctor, as his mental illness will be making this worse.

No question at all though that having siblings is good for them long term

I absolutely agree with this. It's obviously tough now, but the earlier your first child gets used to the idea the better. Others won't actually learn that lesson til they go to school, or perhaps even not til they share a flat or get married.

It will get better and it will be worth it in the end. Is your DH getting any help with whatever is making him depressed?

No help but just wanted to say I am in the same position. DD is 3 and DS is 5 months old. DS is such hard work, so clingy and needy and won't sleep anywhere other than on me during the day. Luckily goes in his cot at night but still wakes every couple of hours.

DD's behaviour is so challenging, the tantrums are getting worse and today she stormed off to her bedroom and slammed her door in my face. Yesterday she ran away from me at the park and I had to leave the baby in the pushchair to chase after her.

DH is also a teacher and works such long hours at a school an hour away so is hardly at home and when he is he's working all evening/weekend.

I do wonder if we made a mistake having DS. We originally wanted a third but we (me) are definitely done now!

@Walton45123
I don't have any children yet(miscarried last year, but trying again) but it sounds to me like you and your husband are just really stressed and worn out.
My advice is
1Have a really good think about what would make life easier and what's realistically achievable. Sounds like you need some more support and maybe some family could help out a bit?
2 make some time to have a good heart to heart with your husband. Check in about how he's doing and feeling and what changes he needs to make.
3 Forgive yourself! We all feel overwhelmed and crap at times and you've got a lot of responsibility on you. I bet You are doing so much better than you think and to your kids, you are the best thing In the world!
Remember to ask for support and be kind to yourself.
Stay strong and it will get better. Virtual hugs ❤️

I do so feel for you OP, but please be assured it does get better and you will look back in time and realise it was such a tiny % of your life and time goes by so fast, they'll be older and easier before you know it!

I had two under 2 with DH working long hours, 7 days a week in the early days. It was so hard, but can look back and see it was for such a short time in the realms of things.

I found when younger DC was a year old it started to get easier, so hang on OP, it WILL get better and you'll look back and be glad you had another child.

I felt like this in the first 4/5 months of having two - DD1 is now 3.4 and DD2 is nearly 8mo and things improved exponentially around DD2 being 5.5mo and learning to sit by herself. Suddenly they were like a unit of two, playing together on the playmat and sitting together for meals.

Yes bath and bedtime is still hectic and yes there are times when DD1 just has to get on with it because her sister needs me but on the whole it’s much better. I’ve set myself a time to look forward to (DD2 walking - DD1 got a LOT easier when she could move herself where she wanted to go) and just keep telling myself I’ve only got another 6 months or so to go.

You’re in the thick of it now but you will emerge over the trench soon, and feel a lot better for it.

I felt like this in the first 4/5 months of having two - DD1 is now 3.4 and DD2 is nearly 8mo and things improved exponentially around DD2 being 5.5mo and learning to sit by herself. Suddenly they were like a unit of two, playing together on the playmat and sitting together for meals

That’s really good to know @Timeturnerplease. I’m also massively struggling with a 5 month old and an almost 3 year old. I keep telling myself that it’ll be a bit easier when the baby learns to sit unassisted, so it’s really reassuring that you found that.

@AchillesHeelys Honestly it was such an overnight change. Now, so long as no one is tired or hungry, they can occupy themselves for half an hour in the playroom while I’m doing jobs in the kitchen (keeping an eye through the open double doors). Absolute game changer.

Only issue is that DD2 is now getting a bit frustrated that DD1 can leave the room and she can’t follow, so I keep sitting her next to the sofa in the hope that she’ll use her annoyance to start pulling up and cruising 😂

Your DH isn’t working “crazy hours” if he’s home for bedtime every night but it sounds like he needs a break. I had the same gap between DDs and DH didn’t get home until 11pm or later Mon - Fri. Maybe that helped his MH because he didn’t have to put up with the awfulness! And it was awful doing it solo - with behaviour just as you describe- but now 10 years on it’s so much better. I think it will come together in time but it does sound like your DH is struggling and maybe you could get some help in the evenings to give everyone a break. After a couple of years of doing it by myself I hired a neighbour 6th former who was unflappable in the face of tantruming toddlers, just used to come 5-7pm when she could

Your dh needs help op, please encourage him to go to the gp for a referral. Please don’t delay because this is not normal and he needs to seek help.

Poor love. It's not easy.

Some points: you don't know what dc1 would be like at this stage even if the baby wasn't there. Threenager behaviour can happen even without a sibling.

About six months can be the end of the honeymoon period with a new baby, they start to seem more of a threat to the sibling because they can grab things etc. So the sibling plays up as they feel threatened.

Is your older one in nursery? If not, put him in. You'll all be happier.

You can't be responsible for DH mental health. Encourage him to get support for it.

As much fresh air and time in green spaces as possible helps, in my experience. I know it sounds a bit hippy, but it helps everyone to chill out.

Ultimately, this is where you are and there's no turning the clock back. My two scrap but they love each other too, they're 3 and 5. They miss each other if they're apart and prefer to share a room. When they were the age of your two, it was all crying and incompatible needs. That's why nursery helped to get the older one somewhere less baby-centric.

Second child is now 5, it does not get easier. If in any doubt people should NOT have a second child. I bitterly regret being persuaded, I live in a prison of my own construction. Everyone talks about how good it is for the first child but it’s not worth the cost.