(Gently) Stopping Breastfeeding and Cosleeping

[findingsomeone]

I'm feeling so overwhelmed and was hoping some of you might be able to help me figure out the way forward.

I read that you shouldn't night wean because of bad sleep but because it's the right thing for you etc. that bf in the night doesn't cause waking. But the sleep isn't getting better, and I am feeling more and more like we should change the setup. But I don't know how or where to start

DD will be 2 in July, so 20 months now. I feed to sleep and for naps if we are home. No other feeds in the day. DH can rock to sleep, at bedtime she yells a bit but she is better at naptime. The nights are rough. She was slow to teethe and is still getting incisors and no sign of canines yet. This may be why the early mornings in particular are rough, I don't know. But it's been over two months now.

We cosleep also. There are a few times I've slept in another room and she's not had milk in the night and DH has been able to settle her. We haven't done a consistent no milk approach though.

Is night weaning but still cosleeping impossible? Do I try getting her in her bed first consistently and then night wean? And how do I night wean, do I have to settle her and say no milk or can I just be absent and make DH take the brunt of it?! Please help

I think the vast majority of people night wean to improve sleep (although I have heard that phrase to). I think it’s said so parents go into the process aware that it may make no difference to sleep, although for a lot (us included), it is the magic bullet. I don’t think breastfeeding per se is linked to bad sleep, but I do think some babies are really susceptible to sleep associations. I’m sure some can be fed to sleep at the beginning of the night and sleep through, but others will look for the same thing that sent them off to sleep at every stirring.

I think you just get a feel about your DC for how difficult or otherwise the process will be. I realised that DS wasn’t actually a particularly cuddly baby (still isn’t a particularly cuddly toddler) and he only tolerated co sleeping because breastfeeding between sleep cycles was all he’d ever known. He took to night weaning really quite well and within a month had gone from waking every 1-2h to sleeping through. He cried a bit when DH settled him the first two nights (never left alone to cry, DH gently sang to him and stroked his back) but I don’t think that was desperation for me or a breastfeed…more because he found figuring out how to go to sleep independently frustrating. I’m sure some more cuddly babies actively enjoy being alongside their parents all night as well breastfeeding - I’m sure you’ll have an idea which camp your daughter fits into. I suspect these DC are harder to night wean.

If I was you, I’d probably stop cosleeping and night wean all in one go. If she falls into the ‘cuddly baby’ camp, the gentlest way to do this would be for your DH to cosleep with her while she gets used to no breastfeeding, before moving her into a cot at a later date. If DH doesn’t want to do this, I think he should take some time off work and be solely responsible for settling her in the cot both at the beginning of and during the night.

I think it probably is possible for the breastfeeding parent to continue co sleeping and night wean but you’d have to be absolutely committed - when she’s been crying for 30 minutes at 4am the temptation will be incredibly strong to resort to a feed. You can’t do this - I recommend you look up the Jay Gordon method for more info.

Good luck.

I night weaned but didn’t stop cosleeping.
I had already day weaned.
First feed to go was first thing in morning as I could just leap out of bed. Next was bedtime and getting used to me cuddling him but not getting bf. I did make sure he’d had a good snack so wasn’t at all hungry.
Middle of the night was trickier. I offered his favourite Ella’s savoury pouch and 2 nights out of three that would fill him up and he’s go back to sleep with a cuddle. Then the bf every few nights was dropped and we were just left with the Ella’s pouch in the early hours. Soon the Ella’s pouch became a bot every night thing and gradually reduced from there. Whole process took about 12 weeks

You can certainly find other ways to soothe her at night if you wean. She will probably protest for a few days or be quite upset, but then you find a new ritual and rhythm. SO ime you don't need to stop co-sleeping just because you want to night wean. The only issue is that she will probably still wake up similarly to how she wakes now, and whatever new ways of soothing her that you choose (say, patting her back, cuddling her back to sleep, singing etc) might be more work for you than feeding back to sleep.

We didn’t have any crying. It was just a gradual process.

I think it depends on the baby. My first would only wake for feeds when we slept together - stopped cosleeping at 18 months as DC2 on the way. DC2 was weaned before stopping cosleeping at 2. Both very different experiences, though both gentle weaning and moving to own bed/ room.