Help! Are all 2 year olds difficult or have I done a terrible job?

[Dogmum20]

Hi all,

Would love some advice/support/experience…

My two year old is SUCH hard work at the mo and I don’t know how to handle it.
It’s been made worse lately by bringing home her baby sister and I just feel defeated and failing at being a mum to both of them.

My two year old literally has a meltdown over everything, and I mean everything, full on screams/tears/throwing/hitting (on some occasions)… I try to stay calm and handle it with the understanding that she’s developing and doesn’t know how to handle her emotions but sometimes I can’t do that - for instance, running around a car park or near a major road not holding my hand or screaming bloody murder and going stiff as a board when trying to put her in the car seat when we are late for something. On those occasions I have to take the ‘bad cop’ approach as we need to get somewhere or she could get hurt but she just doesn’t get it and screams and screams and screams…

This behaviour makes me really sad for the baby who already gets less attention than I gave my first as a baby and I worry that she is being brought up in this awful environment where her sister is in tears 90% of the time.

It’s almost getting to the point where my toddler is getting everything she wants because I just want the yelling to stop. I can’t reason with her as she doesn’t listen, I can’t even try and cuddle her as she’s in such a state and doesn’t want me anywhere near, she’s just so darn stubborn that she will not stop until she gets what she wants.

Is this normal ‘terrible twos’ behaviour? Or have we raised a monster?

I’ve tried my best to bring her up with morales and manners but I feel like I’ve completely failed. I don’t know what to do for the best as I know she’s young and there’s still time to correct things but I feel like I’m in a massive hole and defeated by it.

Sorry for the long ramble…

Exhausted mum x

You haven't failed. No, but all 2 year olds are this bad, but a lot of it is just them. Some are much harder than others

As tough as it is, you really have to be as kind and consistent as you can manage. Your DD will be having a tough time of it. Ride it out, it wont last forever.

Aww mama, you haven't raised a monster, she's still just a baby herself. Big changes have happened In her tiny little world, she is learning all the time. Just means you have to try be consistent in your approach, giving into her screaming for a quiet moment isn't going to help her long term but it is good you have recognised this behaviour in yourself! I Don't know how old your younger child is but if they are anything like my younger child they will learn from observing what is not acceptable and be a little angle 😂

Don't be too hard on yourself, you are also learning and your world has also changed. You both are just trying to get through each day any way you can.

2-3 3/4 was the hardest age for me with my two. It’s not you, it’s the toddler. Mine were adorable arseholes, who drove me insane. They’re 4 now, and back to being mostly a delight to be around! I think some get away with an easy toddler, but most parents I’ve spoken to haven’t been so lucky

Hang on in there, it’s just a phase and it will pass. I used to say this to myself through gritted teeth repeatedly!

She's acting this way because of the baby. She's got all kind of mixed up emotions going on right now that she doesn't understand and can't explain. She feels like she's been replaced and she has to share you. She's letting it out in the only way she knows how.

I had a two year age gap. It goes get easier. My advice is ignore what you can. If they know they're getting attention for negative behaviour, they'll do it more. So ignore as much as physically possible.

Pre-empt and plan for tantrums as much as possible. Put the toddler in a buggy (buy a double if you don't have one) and get them in the car first when you're out.

I gave my eldest more attention than my youngest at that age. TBH, the baby only needed feeding and then was happy to watch his brother playing when he wasn't asleep. If there is another parent at home, let them deal with the baby for a while and give your toddler one to one time.

TBH, my eldest was a much easier 2YO than my youngest was.

Two year olds are hard work.

You have two kids and two hands so you don't have enough hands. So if you're outside the house and she's not in a buggy / car, put her on either reins or at least a wrist restraint attached to you. She can still roll on the floor but not in front of a car. It keeps her safe. You have two kids and only two legs. Not enough legs so you ensure her running off is curtailed.

Stuff board buggy position. Try tickling so she folds then pushing her down and putting your hand between her legs /crotch whilst you get the straps on. A bottle of drink works for mine too.

If she's having a tantrum in public this is what people are thinking
Nothing - they're oblivious
Haha welcome to my life - fellow toddler parent
Oh crap that's coming - realistic parents of babies
Thank god that's over - parents of older kids
My children will never do that - delusional people who deserve to be left to their innocence until they get whacked in the life with a toddler
So basically, don't worry what people think. Most us get it.

She's been usurped by a small thing that's not fun. Of course she's acting up. She WILL get over it, will love and time.

Baby will always get less time. That's OK. She'll still get all the love and time she neexs

I honestly can't list the things my toddler has stropped about today but the most recent is that I caught her from falling flat on her face off the sofa.

It's not you, it's them.

It’s not you. 2 year olds HAVE to disobey you, do the opposite of what you ask, say no to all questions, refuse to get dressed, refuse to stay dressed, refuse to brush their teeth, refuse to eat what you cook, do face down tantrums at the most awkward times. It passes eventually. I remember how hard it was with a baby though.

Thanks everyone, just had another horrendous bedtime where we had to drag her kicking and screaming, whilst trying to put the baby to sleep too.
I miss our nice, relaxed bedtimes where we’d read stories and she’d fall asleep. Now it’s man-handling her upstairs, wrestling into bed and eventually cuddles, sobbing (from both of us) until she falls asleep, it’s awful :(.
Thanks for all the positive comments, I feel a bit better that it’s not just my child who’s like this, honestly starting to get concerned about my parenting ability. I will try to hold the boundaries and not let her get away with too much but I hate seeing her so upset. Argh, this parenting stuff is no walk in the park is it!

Why is she so upset at bedtime op?

What do you do/say when she refuses to hold your hand, running around a car park or near main roads?

Mine wouldn't dare!

@SleepingStandingUp honestly I have no idea, it’s the same meltdowns as during the day but made worse by being overtired I think.
A lot of it comes from being told no, so as soon as she can’t do something/have something/play with something, that’s it, she’s inconsolable.
It also doesn’t help that I’m trying to put the baby down and she wants to come with me…

@blockbustervideo So it’ll start all well, I’ll say ‘hold onto mummy’s hand as we’re near the road’ and she will and we’ll start off fine, then she’ll just wriggle free and go in the other direction or just decide to stop or just do something she wants to do. And again I’ll say ‘please hold mummy’s hands as we’re near cars’ or words to that effect and she’ll pull her arm away from me and then I get agitated and she gets more stubborn and it ends in chaos and tears. Please tell me your secret!

I seem to remember marching home a few times, dd1 under my arm screaming, dd2 screaming in the sling, with me shouting I TOLD YOU NOT TO RUN OFF I must have been super strong in those days

You don't have to go out every day and don't be too ambitious. And you're right you can't reason with them. Sometimes it works to not say no - oh dear I think that toy is having a sleep at the moment how about we do this instead - I'm sure the word No sometimes sends them bonkers before they've processed what you've said.

How olds the baby op? There's nearly 3 years between mine and at bed time I'd put the baby in his cot In his room, we would say goodnight then have 5 minutes with my oldest in her room. Yes baby would cry but (sounds awful I know) I'd say to her it's okay, he can wait, it's important I do your bed time, because I like reading you a bedtime story. Little things that would remind her she's not being pushed to one side, not saying your doing that but you can't give them both 100% all the time. It's getting into a routine that works for you.

Near a road if it needed a vice like grip on the upper arm so be it. No need for conversation. My two learned fairly quickly that if they kept struggling I just gripped tighter.

Oh my goodness no, you have not caused this.

Some of it is normal twoness. And she does sound a particularly intense Two. That's within the realms of normal - they do vary. Mine tended to be OK at two and then turn into raging arseholes at about three and a half. But it is common for it to start at two, that's why you get the phrase "terrible twos".

Some of it will be the reaction to no longer being the baby. They do go absolutely nuts for a bit when they get a younger sibling. It's normal. It's a process of adjustment for them, and particularly in corona times it can also have been a bit traumatic for you just to disappear for a day (or more), even if you talked about it beforehand. Talking about this and talking about how she might sometimes have resentful feelings towards the baby will help process things, as well as making time to spend one on one with her.

Being sympathetic about everything, even the most unreasonable complaint weirdly helps. Have you read the book "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk?" It's an absolute classic and the Little Kids version is even better for this age.

What's your general parenting style? Boundaries and consequences based? Ignore the bad praise the good? Or more gentle parenting looking at the source of the behaviour? All are valid and all have good points and tricky points but can need some balancing.

Don't worry OP, it's normal! But, it does sound like she might also have found it hard to adjust to the new baby? Again completely normal.

You saying "you can't reason with her" suggests your expectations are way too harsh on yourself though. Of COURSE you can't reason with her! It would be easier to reason with Vladimir Putin than with a two year old!!

I can recommend a really good book called The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read by Phillippa Perry which was really illuminating and helped me gain perspective, as well as some useful tips.

In a nutshell, she suggests simply validating their feelings always, rather than trying to reason with them. Eg I can hear you feel angry because mummy said you are not allowed to play with this vase. Sometimes you need to just pull them away from danger of course and that's fine too.

Thanks again everyone!

@trilbydoll haha yes I think I use the word ‘no’ far too much, despite promising myself I wouldn’t!!

@ifoundthebread the baby is 8 weeks, and yes I would love to do bedtime with her, we have tried with my husband trying to settle the baby while I do bedtime but the baby crying just sets her off and she gets to upset and wants the crying to stop but won’t let me leave (DH can’t settle the baby)

@BertieBotts I will look up that book thank you! I am not actually sure of my parenting style! I have always wanted to set boundaries but try to teach her to respect them and give her freedom to make good choices but not sure I’m being consistent. I have also tried ignoring the bad and praising the good, and while praising the good I find easy, ignoring the bad I tend not to do as it’s usually something too bad not to ignore - like she could hurt herself or hurt the dog or do some damage to something. I think I need to go on a parenting course lol!

@StopStartAgain thanks for the book recommendation, I actually was given it when pregnant with my first and have only read the first few pages, you have just reminded me that I have not had time to read a book since my first was born!
That’s the thing I find hard, I do validate her feelings ‘I know your angry and upset that I want to take your pjs off’ but then where do we go from there? She’s still crying and shouting ‘no mummy I don’t want to get dressed’ and will keep going…!

if your dh is there for best time then either he could build a special bedtime with her while you see to the baby or do something else entirely with the baby while you do bedtime with DD,
at 8 weeks the baby does not need to go to bed at the same time as your older child so dh could even take her out for a walk in the buggy so you can really focus on dd.
terrible twos are entirely normal but dangerous behaviour can't be allowed and you mustn't give in, ever!
You will also learn a huge number of ways of avoiding using the word no - "I want a biscuit/ go to the park" " ooh that would be lovely, lets do/ have it later after we've done x,y&z"

The terrible twos have been so much worse than I could ever have imagined. I thought it was a tongue in cheek little slogan. It's bloody relentless and I regularly feel like a failure. Solidarity.

That’s the thing I find hard, I do validate her feelings ‘I know your angry and upset that I want to take your pjs off’ but then where do we go from there? She’s still crying and shouting ‘no mummy I don’t want to get dressed’ and will keep going…!

The two books that have been recommended will help with that. Both have specific strategies for how to manage this.

[quote Dogmum20]@blockbustervideo So it’ll start all well, I’ll say ‘hold onto mummy’s hand as we’re near the road’ and she will and we’ll start off fine, then she’ll just wriggle free and go in the other direction or just decide to stop or just do something she wants to do. And again I’ll say ‘please hold mummy’s hands as we’re near cars’ or words to that effect and she’ll pull her arm away from me and then I get agitated and she gets more stubborn and it ends in chaos and tears. Please tell me your secret![/quote]
Bribery? "if you hold my hand all the way to the car, maybe we can have a treat when we get home, won't that be nice?!" and lots and lots of praise for hand holding the entire way to the car through the car park, or along the road or wherever.

That’s the thing I find hard, I do validate her feelings ‘I know your angry and upset that I want to take your pjs off’ but then where do we go from there? She’s still crying and shouting ‘no mummy I don’t want to get dressed’ and will keep going…!

You don’t go anywhere. She’s allowed to be upset and not want to get dressed. Of course it will seem unreasonable to you - you have a much larger frontal lobe than she does. But it’s her way of having some control over her life. It’s the same with the issue of her walking (or not walking…) down the road holding your hand. The books mentioned aren’t quick fix solutions to difficult behaviour. They’re about trying to raise children who understand their own emotions and behave because it’s inherently what they want to do, not to achieve rewards or keep their parents happy. At 2, validating her feelings, making things playful and distracting as much as possible is all you really can do. There will be lots of occasions when they don’t work with a 2 year old and you will get a tantrum. Easier said then done (I definitely know) but all you can do is modify your response to them. Getting agitated is doing neither of you favours. You are definitely not failing either, toddlers are really hard work!