paternal grandmother of adopted daughters funeral

[the3rdwife]

I have a dilema, but don't know where to post. My adopted daughters (9yo) paternal grandmother has died, its her funeral next week. I have met her in the past. Im thinking I should go to her funeral so I can tell my daughter I went and get a copy of the service for her to put in her memory box. But my husband thinks I should stay away. Has anybody been in this position who has any words of advise?

I don’t really think an order of service, for a grandmother she didn’t see, is an ideal keepsake in her memory box tbh. In later years if she finds out you went she may be upset you didn’t take her, regardless of what a bad idea DD going would be right now.

I’m with your DH.

Has she ever had any kind of relationship with the grandmother?

Does she know she's adopted and has she ever shown any indication she'd like to know her birth family?

I think, if not, being able to give her a name and DOB when she eventually asks is enough. Attending the funeral without giving her the opportunity to attend seems strange to me but giving her to opportunity could obviously have massive implications or not be an option.

A 9 year old is old enough to go to a funeral so I don't think it's a case of needing to "tell her you went" later.

Either it's something your DD should go to, or neither of you should go to (imo). Not something you attend on her behalf.

I’d take her to put flowers on the grave a few days later and then put for a large slice of cake and a cuddle/chat.

I'd suggest you put this in the Adoption topic OP.

I wouldn't. I'm adopted.

So your daughter's birth family will be at the funeral, presumably. Do you think they'd want you there as a reminder of their loss?

I think you're making this about you, really. Nobody else will benefit at all.

Thanks for your feedback everybody..