Hi all
Hoping for some advice/experiences from anyone who's been in a similar situation or even just an outsiders view!
I am 29 weeks pregnant. My ex partner was devastated to discover my unplanned pregnancy and immediately wanted an abortion. I was in shock so agreed but it was not something I could go through with (I had always been very clear with him I would never have an abortion but wasn't looking to plan a child). I was on the pill and it failed for whatever reason.
He is from an Indian catholic family who are very strict, they do not know I exist, let alone carrying their grandchild.
Once I told him I couldn't have the abortion and it was up to him if he wanted to be involved but should he choose to be, that's his decision and he couldn't back out later down the line (financially, of course I can't stop him being absent if that's what he wants) he said he would be involved as it is his baby, of course he would be there. He wasn't great but he tried, we had our gender scan at 16 weeks and did a gender reveal. For me this is when things became 'real' and I wanted him to start thinking about telling his family and made it very clear this is something he would have to do to be involved with baby as I don't want baby to be a 'dirty little secret' he is sneaking off to see but he has said he would be disowned so needed to move out of the family home and buy a car (his parents own his car) then he would do this. He has said every month since October he will do it 'next month' but never does.
We work together and I was working 70 hours a week to pay for everything baby needs, he was working 30. I asked him to pick up some more hours, to allow me to drop my hours.
Because of this tensions built and we argued more and more and he ended things. I accepted this but tried to keep him involved with appointments and keeping in touch and a good relationship for baby and keep him updated (videos of baby's kicks etc) due to this he has referred to me in quite unfavourable terms to colleagues and mutual friends, saying I am making him do things, he has also said I have cut him out and don't want him to be involved with baby.
This is totally untrue, I have an amazing relationship with my own dad and that's all I want for my baby too. I have no interest in a romantic relationship with him as he's totally not the person I thought pre baby, only an amicable one for our baby and for him to start stepping up.
He has paid £400 total towards baby things and believes my parents should buy the expensive things (pram, cot and so on) so £400 is enough. To other people he is saying he is fully involved and supporting me financially every month. Neither of these things are true, he hasn't reached out to me since 8th Jan, apart from one time he walked into work when I was working and hugged me and spoke about baby as if he was involved and knew what was going on, despite no showing to an appointment that morning he assured me he would be at and I haven't had a response to any updates sent since 20th Feb and the £400 I received was in December, nothing since.
His priority is going out every night, he still hasn't told his family or friends, apart from the ones we mutually know. I've been asked what the baby is going to be called because when they asked him he couldn't remember (although we chose the name together) his hours at work have decreased to 25 hours a week now and he has started seeing someone else we both work with which neither of them have told me about, other people at work have told me.
I spoke with my midwife who advised to not put him on the birth certificate initially because once he is on there it's impossible to remove him without his consent even if he's not involved and I would need his permission to even take baby on holiday. It's not something I would never do but he needs to be a consistent father first which he hasn't been so far. She's also concerned about once baby is born if I let him know immediately and don't get a reply, how I will take this with hormones being high so suggested I text him with dates baby could be born (3 weeks before due date and 2 weeks after) and leave it to him to reach out around this time. If he doesn't then to not feel pressure to tell him and allow myself time for hormones to settle before telling him baby has arrived, which I have done and made it very clear I won't be contacting him again with any baby updates moving forward, he has my number and can reach out to me.
I suppose my question is, does anyone have any experience of similar situations or absent fathers throughout pregnancy? Do they come around once baby arrives more often than not or is it wishful thinking he might step up for our son? How have things played out in your experiences?
I should also add we are both 25 so not super young to be having a baby! I feel he's just not ready but won't admit it due to the negative opinions on absent fathers so uses the excuse of his family, car and housing to dodge the responsibility but has no intention of being there for his son, which I can deal with I just feel it's incredibly unfair to not say anything and leave me in the dark. If he would just turn around and say he doesn't want involvement I can handle and plan for that but at the moment I have no idea what the outcome is going to be it's awful and so draining!
Any advice is greatly appreciated, if none it's been nice to put everything into writing and get it out! S x