Help please at end of tether with 6year old

[Eucalyptusbee]

She's lovely when she's lovely

But when she's not (tired / hungry / just because) she's an absolute push every button of mine all guns blazing kid

She shouts, talks back, walks off, disobeys and disagrees. My other two are not like this at all.

I've tried being patient / love bombing / giving optons so she feels in control etc but she is so stubborn and nothing works apart from her getting her own way which obviously is not a good long term strategy

Now I'm at the point with her behavior it's been so frequent it's ground me to the point where if she even acts up a tiny bit and I see red

We had a shouting match this evening because she didn't want to wash the shampoo out her hair (no reason given)

I'm ashamed to say it but tonight I was truly horrible eg said I don't want to see you when you're like this ; get out of my sight; shut up; go away

I'm wracked with guilt afterwards but can't seem to stop myself at the time

Can anyone relate? Does anyone have any advice?

Second 123 magic!

I would start the day tomorrow by sitting down next to her bedside, and hold her before saying "I'm sorry, my darling. I shouldn't have shouted at you. It's not the right thing to do. You must felt hurt.

Please understand, I was just too worried about the shampoo left in your hair would irritating your skin and get rubbed into your pillow. And your baby sister/brother also got distressed with the situation, which didn't help me calm down. I'm sorry. I love you. "

It's from the bottom of your heart, it's sincere and it's loving. If she's as you said is a sweet loving person, she would soften straightaway and feel embarrassed for how she herself behaved. She might explain to you why she didn't want to wash the shampoo off and might apologise as you did.

The fact is, we are not perfect. Not mother nor daughter. So you need to forgive yourself and explain to her that you are trying to do better always (that promise would also take an effect next time when you come across situation like that.)

Children need to see us as normal human, flawed but knowing what's right and what's wrong. I think it's important.

@Eucalyptusbee What you have to remember is that most parents get it wrong sometimes. I am the calmest person on the planet, never shouted etc - but I still got it wrong, and still went to bed every night dissecting what I'd done wrong, and how I could have done it better. So while we 'get it wrong' in our various different ways, we are all in the same boat at some point. I'm just coming out of some hellish years with my youngest, who was a dream child until she turned 13.

Every new day is a lovely clean slate. Forget what happened the day before, start afresh, and let your daughter do the same. You will both still get it wrong at some point, but the main thing is that you are trying. She'll probably be a lovely 13 yr old.

Agree with the 'pick your battles' thing. Some things are absolutely not negotiable (for me, those were sitting at the table to eat, bath, teeth, bed, asking politely for things, going to school). Everything else (what they wear etc) is fair game. I had one who was a coat refuser. I just used to stick a coat in the buggy/rucksack, and give it to her when she got cold. I gave up discussing it. However, the same child always wanted to be barefoot, but wearing something on her feet outside the house and garden was one of the non-negotiables. I didn't care what it was, so long as it meant walks weren't dominated by her being barefoot and treading in thorns/dog poo/something else annoying. So it wasn't convention so much as practicality. But then it always helps to have something to look forward to (an ice cream at the end of the walk or whatever - something that motivates them to do the thing they're being annoying about).

It also helped with my DC to have a chart with 'necessary' things on it. When they had a sticker for each thing for however long, they had a reward. "Talking in a nice voice" was one of the things. I remember illustrating it with cartoons of them doing the things they weren't to do!
Sorry this is a bit random.

The other thing, OP, which helped me was the idea (can't remember who said it, but might have been my mum) that the easiest way to change children's behaviour is to change your own behaviour. It is true. I tried to abide by this, though it's not always easy!

We had a similarly bad stint with DS4 being physical / hitting / kicking etc and felt we had tried all the various tips and methods with no success. In the end we noticed the biggest change when we calmly explained to him that his behaviour wasn't acceptable and actually followed through with what felt like quite a severe punishment (lost his favourite thing for a week). We tried the small / short consequences which he didnt seem to care about but when we did actually follow through with a bigger consequence I think he was actually shocked - and he spent that week working hard to make it up and make sure he got it back and hasnt been anywhere near that level again

@Imissmoominmama

I used to pretend I was being filmed for a parenting programme. I found getting into character diffused the frustration and fury I felt.

Yes! Pretend Jo Frost is watching in the taxi on her way to your house and you’re the first every mum to make Jo say ‘what the heck, I can’t help you because you already did everything right!’ I find stuff like that helps you detach from what’s actually happening.

Other than that it’s just patience patience patience. These phases pass and to be honest they pass all the quicker if the parent can stay calm and show that they are the one in control rather than be baited to scream back/get in a row. Maybe you could also start a sticker chart/reward chart? Make it into her special good behaviour thing and maybe her reward could be a big girl’s game that only mummy and her can play. So she feels special compared with the baby.

I also find if you don’t shout you feel a smug sense of calmness ie I am in control and don’t need to shout/I am setting the tone of this interaction type of thing. It helps if I think of it like that.

@Eucalyptusbee

So hard to stay calm when holding a screaming baby though. What works best for people? Count to 20? Leave the room? I

With mine I used to have to do that. Just leave, breathe, return.

That’s sad for the kids that their father won’t do any parenting. Is he working to try to change his hours, to be around for his kids childhoods at all?

@NowEvenBetter

That’s sad for the kids that their father won’t do any parenting. Is he working to try to change his hours, to be around for his kids childhoods at all?

It’s not always that easy. I see this often on mumsnet ‘get DH to go part time. Why doesn’t DH just change his hours?’

Not everyone can. If my DH changed his hours to ‘be around for the kids childhood’ we wouldn’t be able to afford to live.

Just wanted to say that you are not alone. I wrote a post on here a few days about badly losing it with my nearly 6 year old in the supermarket. I had a few recommendations for a book called how to talk so little kids will listen, it arrived today so can’t comment on it yet but it might help you too? Just wanted to reach out as I know it’s so tough. You’re not alone.

It’s not something that effects me in any way, so I’m not really interested, just weird how some men make kids and then don’t play a part in raising them. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Sorry I'm not of much help but wanted to keep an eye on this thread for my own 6 year old, he's suddenly become quite defiant and I feel exhausted before the day has really started.

@NowEvenBetter
Completely agree with you.

@Kanaloa quite. I don't know how some people think other people can live on reduced pay to go with these magical reduced hours.

My 6 year old has been so difficult recently so following for tips, but also to echo all the comments about staying calm. It’s SO hard and you have a small baby so it’s probably harder for you than for anyone. But it pays off so much. Whenever I’ve managed to stay calm, the situation gets better so much quicker.

I feel your pain though, my DS goes through phases and the current one is 6 going on 16.
He has so much attitude and rudeness towards DH and I, and I feel like I’m pulling him up on it constantly. Exhausting, draining and he can be very unlikable at times.

Thank you everyone sorry really kind supportive and helpful comments. We had the morning chat as advised on here and I introduced the idea of 123 which she loves and was an angel today- only got one point for repeatedly eating her dinner with her hands despite being reminded multiple times to use cutlery (spaghetti bolegnese so a right mess without cutlery!!)

I felt more I co trol too just entering the day with a plan

*control

Has the new baby arriving upset her?
My ds is a bit younger but was a total nightmare when new baby arrived, it really upset his balance.

@Instafreak231

Has the new baby arriving upset her? My ds is a bit younger but was a total nightmare when new baby arrived, it really upset his balance.

Yes definitely an element of this. I'm co sleeping with baby which has upset a lot of the nice little moments we had usually eg morning cuddles , coming in to sleep with me if she woke in the night etc. Plus she's no longer got my full attention all the time

I just see this thread now...I have a 5 year old like this, and she tests my patience so much and I shout far too much... I don't have the excuse or a 4 month old either (just an annoying three year old)... I don't really know what the answer is, apart from.digging deep to stay calm, which is not always possible ..

That’s fantastic! I bet you being/feeling more in control feels good for her too. Kids like to feel like mum & dad know what they’re doing, it makes them feel safer. And how brilliant that she’s responded to you having an honest chat with her.

Zero behaviour issues in the past 48hours!

It really is magic!

Thank you mumsnet!!!