My son doesn't want to know his bio dad and family

[Babycups]

My son is 11. He's never had a relationship with his bio dad and family. His dad and me split up when he was 3 months old. My son doesn't remember him or talk about him. My sons grandma (bio) always sends gifts and cards on birthdays etc for him. Whenever my son gets them he gets very upset and goes quiet. He's a very sensitive boy and doesn't like to open up and talk about his feelings. He's told me he doesn't remember her as its been over 5 years since he saw her. I am in contact with his grandma and she says she wants to have a relationship with my son but doesn't want to push him. She misses him and wants wants be part of his life. I'm very open and honest with my son and I told him that she wants to see him how does he feel about that? He got upset and said no. He told me he never wants to see them or know anything about them.

I think it's important for me to add that when I split with his dad, I found another partner. He raised my son from when he was a baby. We are married and have 2 other children. My son has mentioned he doesn't want people to know he has another grandma and dad. I told him everyone knows and not to worry about other people. My other son is 6 and when he seen a birthday card for his birthday saying love grandma he questioned who that is from. My son got upset and said he doesn't want his brother to know about anything of this either. We have not told our 6 year old as he is too young to understand now do we know when we would tell him.

Any advice on how to go about all this? I hope my son would see his grandma but I would never force it. Me and his dad split up in a bad way. We don't get on at all. How do I tell her that my son doesn't want to know her and their family. He doesn't want gifts and presents from them.

Also how do I handle the situation with my children. When is the right time to tell my younger ones.

Different circumstances completely but as a child I always found it really weird and uncomfortable getting cards and gifts from people who were total strangers that I wouldn't even have recognized if I saw them. Is there any chance of his bio grandma actually visiting him?

Could he be getting to the age where he realises his family is different from others? I think kids can be a bit awkward about this and it needs adults to support them through this and answer questions about why.

What sort of gifts are they?
is it worth maybe a chat with her that it could be monetary and you keep all the cards for him for when he’s older and more able to process it. Just let the grandma know what you’re doing and why. Then quietly say to him you’ve had a card from your other granny would you like to see it or shall I put it away.

This is tricky, my view would be that you are doing the right thing by being honest with him that his grandmother would like to see him. I think in years to come that will be of some comfort to him. Is there a way that you could make her more ‘real’ to him? A picture of her maybe or a share a story she is part of? But essentially he is 11 and he gets to decide what route he wants to take, too see them, or not… to talk about it, or not. I would just give him lots of opportunities with just the two of you (and some open road maybe, road trips are fab for this) where he knows he’s got your attention and can talk freely about anything on his mind. Is there an interest he has that has an event somewhere a distance away that you could take him to?. As for the other siblings I would stick to the facts that DS has an ‘extra dad’.. then that doesn’t negate the role that his step dad has played in his life and doesn’t make him feel he has less than the others. I would speak neutrally about the bio dad, not negatively ever (no matter how I felt) as in time your ds may want to meet his bio dad and he has to feel free to make his own mind up. It sounds like you really care and are handling this sensitively so I’m sure you’re doing well with all of this-it is really tricky.

Thank you. He doesn't want anything from her. He doesn't want to see her or know anything about them. It's almost like he's ashamed that he has another family. It's very tricky because he's such a quiet sensitive boy he gets upset easily and doesn't like to talk about feelings

Why has he not seen Grandma for 5 years?

It maybe worth Dad (step Dad) having a private chat with your son explaining that he will always be his Dad and will alway love him and he loves all his 3 children equally without mentioning he is not his biological child so not highlighting the difference. Just in case your son is worried about this but not saying anything.

I think I might try to explain that when you and his dad split that your son was an innocent victim of a bad situation, that you have both moved on and things are great for you both without bio dad in the picture. But he wasn't the only innocent victim, grandma was too, she lost her grandson who she loves and cares about and that love can't be turned off. Whilst your son has every right not to be in contact with anyone he doesn't want to be, his grandma has a right through her love to know that her grandson is well and happy and that to not know that will cause her pain. I would try to maintain a relationship with his grandma myself through letters and photos, perhaps meeting every 6 months or year for a coffee to chat about your son and who he is. In time he may wish to know her or want specific information such as genetic predisposition to illnesses. Cards can be kept in a box until he chooses to see them or not, gifts much the same provided grandma knows and gifts appropriately.

It bothers me when you say its been over 5 years since he saw her.

So he was seeing her until he was 6 years old and then this stopped ? Why did that happen ? Presumably both you and she were making the effort for all of those 6 years, so why didn't you continue.

If she'd never seen him I could understand , but she was seeing him and forming a bond for all those years, no wonder she is still sending him things.

Keeping secrets can be very damaging.
What’s the reason why he doesn’t see his grandma anymore? You say he hasn’t seen her for 5 years, so since he was 6.
It sounds like you have a sad little boy who’s not sure of his place in his family. I think this is something he might need professional help with as soon as possible. I’d speak to the Senco at his school to see if they can suggest counselling for him to help him unpick his feelings. But honestly, I’d be talking openly within the family about relationships - who’s who’s granny, etc.

I would never keep a secret like this, secrets are dangerous things. It sounds like he's feeling very sad and insecure.
Have you considered talking to a therapist, something like play therapy might really help him process his emotions.
It's not healthy for him to feel this strongly about not seeing them.

I agree that while it's difficult, hiding and ignoring the existence of his other family is unhelpful in the long run.

I think you need his stepdad's help to assure him he's secure in this family, along with lots of normalising of different shaped families.

You need to talk positively to him about his grandma. Could you use her name instead of the relationship? Granny Jane, or just Jane? Help him see that he shares her love of music, or has her gift for languages or whatever.

At the moment, for whatever reason, she's a odd piece in the jigsaw. You need to help him make sense of it, not hide it away.

This is something the adults need to work on together- you, your husband, and the grandma.

Poor Granny, is he her only grandchild? If she’s a nice person I would insist he come to a meetup with her. I found seeing my grandparents a bit boring at that age but I’m still glad I had a relationship with them. I know he doesn’t want to see her - but I’m guessing there are plenty of other things in life he doesn’t want to do, like school, and cleaning, not wanting to do it isn’t the end of the conversation.

I’d have another chat to him about it and try to get him curious about this woman who shares a quarter of his dna. He might have things in common with her. If nothing else tell him to try to find some empathy for her. Your son is surrounded by a loving family - what about Granny? Her son is a dick and her grandson won’t talk to her? Bit bleak.

As PPs said secrets are dangerous.

Your son is ashamed as it isn't out in the open and you have acted like it's a dirty secret when it actually a very common thing. Anyway PPs have given you good advice in helping your eldest son.

However your younger children aren't too young to know their brother has a different biological dad and another grandmother.

I have older half and step siblings and always knew that they had a different mum and/or dad to me. In my family as soon as you can talk and ask about who is your brother or sister, other relations are explained to you.

It makes no difference to the sibling relationship as they being older means they were always there as a brother or sister.

In your case it is more dangerous as like some of my friends, your son's biological dad could just turn up when he's 16 or 18. If he does this his younger siblings wouldn't know what the hell is going on when it is causing upset in your household and it will cause a major upset as all your children will think you are lying about something to them.

6 years old is absolutely not too young to know his big brother has a different biological father.
I'm an adopter and we are told to bring our children up knowing and that the understanding will come later. The longer you leave it the harder it will be and the more chance of causing difficulties.

DS1 has an extra grandma because Dad didn't help make him with me, a man called Tony did so extra grandma is Tony's Mum. But we don't see Tony, and Dad is a Dad to both of you. Now what do you want for tea?

(That sort of thing, better worded)

I agree, 6 isn’t too young at all to talk to your other children about this. My 4 year old understands that her best friend has a Daddy who doesn’t live them & that her sister has a different Daddy. My DD also knows that means her friend has two Dads & lots of granny’s & grandads and thinks it’s very cool cos that must mean extra chocolate treats 😂 you keep it fairly high keel obviously, no need to explain the details. Just the basics.

I think keeping this a secret for so long has done some harm. Your son & his bio Dad should just be an open & honest thing in your family.. it’s nothing to be ashamed of. I wonder if your son feels anxious about upsetting non-bio Dad by having a relationship or starting a relationship with bio Dads family. Maybe it’s worth having a really open chat amongst you all so your son can see there is really no big deal. Plenty of kids he’ll meet as he goes through teen-hood will have two families for one reason & another.

Unbelievable... 🙄🤦🏼‍♀️ im sorry but your pushing your son for your own agenda you were probably still in love with him and offered your son to him n his family and he didn't care your shameful in my opinion... if the grandmother is sending gift it's a charity.. your son is probably smarter than you and wants nothing to do with them. A grandmother that wants to see her grandson will go look for him at all costs specially if your leaving door wiiiidde open, it shouldn't take 5 years. That's b.s My ex mother in law after 2 years of not visiting my children I made sure in the divorce paperwork to have a court order that she will not be allowed around them... She had their address she would of look for them if she wanted to... i let her know she was welcome and she didn't... that's the interest she had.. So stop being a bimbo and put your Son's feelings above and before your own and quit hurting him ..
that's abuse and passive aggressive women that hurt their children for their needs.