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Parenting

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Original poster

How to not be a SAHM anymore?

22 replies

Onegoingontwo · 11/03/2022 19:03

Bit random but I was made redundant when I was pregnant with my 1st child (DD who is 20 months) and I never bothered to find a new job because the first COVID lockdown happened literally a month later. I've just had my second child (what was I thinking lol...) who is nearing the 3 week mark and Ive already had enough.

When can I go back to work/find a job? I know 9 months people usually finish maternity leave and go back to their jobs, and at a push people go back at 6 months. I don't want to push it but is 6 months a good benchmark to aim for? Quite honestly the sooner the better 😅

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

BusinessMindThoughts · 11/03/2022 19:09

What are your childcare arrangements going to be? Do you have year-round nurseries nearby? Do you have a partner and what are their plans to share the childcare?
I found it really hard to go back after 1 year but it was a good time to do so. 9 months is tough because the attachment is starting to get strong.

If money is not a pressing issue I'd take the time to make sure I got the 'right' job rather than just any job.

Original poster

Onegoingontwo · 11/03/2022 19:16

Money wouldn't be an issue so could afford day care/preschools etc but that's only if I went back to work. We couldn't afford it currently so right now I'm not getting a break at all. My partner workers a standard 9-5 and he is hands on but I'm both mentally and physically exhausted by my 20 month old. I don't get help from family or friends as they've all got their own lives to be getting on with and I can't afford to put my DD in preschool for some days a week so I can get a break, sadly the finances means it has to be all or nothing. So both of them or none at all. Since he has been born I've barely had more than 20 minutes to myself. I thought I could handle it but I'm way beyond burnt out now.

OP posts:

OverTheRubicon · 11/03/2022 19:18

Are you doing ok?
I'm very supportive of women going back to work, but 3 weeks into having 2 is so soon and usually so intense - I wonder if you're having these thoughts because something isn't right at home.

Other than that, you usually have to be off for longer but can go back, however if you're in the UK there isn't that much childcare really aimed at babies this young, unlike in the US. If you have family around to help, or the money for a nanny or your partner to stay home, it would likely be better for a tiny baby.

Most importantly though, are you ok? Are you getting support? What bits have you 'had enough' of?

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Rainbowqueeen · 11/03/2022 19:23

Try homestart for support right now
Insist that your partner has your older DC for one on one time on the weekend every weekend. I assume the younger is breast fed so it is hard to get time on your own
Six months Is fine to go back to work. Start working out childcare now and getting your cv together. Do you know what you want to do work wise?

Good luck and 💐. You are definitely doing it tough right now.

LouLou198 · 11/03/2022 19:25

Have you spoke with your health visitor? 3 weeks after giving birth is very soon to even consider going back to work. Could you possibly have post natal depression? Having small babies is exhausting, you do often feel burnt out, and have no time to yourself, but I know from experience I feel more burnt out as a working mum than I did as a sahm whilst on maternity leave. You would also need a considerably well paid job to cover the cost of 2 in childcare. Congratulations on your new born

FTEngineerM · 11/03/2022 19:30

Heeeeyyy, same here.

So had my first in June 2020 then we luckily got pregnant again December 2020 so had my second September 2021 and I was gagging to get back to work by Christmas 😂

I have managed to squeeze it by doing some KIT days (I know those aren’t possible for you) and I’ll be starting exactly when my second is 6m old.

30 years ago the general mat leave was 3m so go back when you want literally nobody but yourself has to live you life so if anyone says anything about it being soon just ask them when they’re going to come take care of them for you.

Congratulations btw! How exciting.

FTEngineerM · 11/03/2022 19:31

Could you possibly have post natal depression? because she wants to work? Am I in an alternate universe? Paternity is 2 weeks.. do you say this to men?

2KidsNoTime · 11/03/2022 19:33

I recently returned to work when DS2 was 6 months. Totally fine for me and worked well. I'd had a whole year plus some annual leave off for maternity leave with DS1 and I was completely mind numbing bored by the end so I knew I wanted to go back to work earlier this time around.

I did feel I wanted to get back earlier than 6m this time but usually that was when I was having a boring week and hadn't been out much. I think I'd have struggled to go back much earlier than 6m in reality. Once I did go back I used my annual leave and did a phased return so it wasn't zero to 100, IUSWIM.

Rickrollme · 11/03/2022 19:44

@FTEngineerM

Could you possibly have post natal depression?

because she wants to work? Am I in an alternate universe? Paternity is 2 weeks.. do you say this to men?

That’s irrelevant. Regardless of the reasons the fact is most women are not anxious to go back to work three weeks post partum. There’s nothing wrong with wanting that but because it doesn’t happen that often it’s fair to wonder if OP may be struggling. And she is.

Shesmyperson · 11/03/2022 19:51

I think jumping to possible PND is a bit a ridiculous.

If op wants to be back by the time the baby is 6 months then, yes she needs to be thinking about it now. Its really not a sign everything isn't ok or it's PND. Plenty of women aren't desperate to be at home.

@Onegoingontwo you need to think about what hours you want, do you want to go back to the same career, if not the same career you need to think about what you want and start looking at that.

Update your CV and when you are ready, get applying.

allfurcoatnoknickers · 11/03/2022 20:08

@FTEngineerM

Could you possibly have post natal depression?

because she wants to work? Am I in an alternate universe? Paternity is 2 weeks.. do you say this to men?

I went back to work at 5 months because I was climbing the walls. Not PND, just bored.

Original poster

Onegoingontwo · 11/03/2022 20:20

I don't think it's PND (at least I hope not lol) just know that I want something different this second time around and having a toddler at home on top of that makes it worst.

I'm a UX designer/web developer so my job would be less physically exhausting and more mentally rewarding/stimulating. After nearly two years of being a stay at home mum I'm just bored and need a sufficient weekly time away from my children.

OP posts:

Forshorttheycallmecomp · 11/03/2022 20:25

That sounds a reasonably well paid job which you could be negotiate on. Certainly where i work they’re crying out for them and we have people on a variety of part time contracts. Double childcare is pricey though, and depending on where you live can be tricky to sort out. Nothing to stop you looking and making enquiries now.

FTEngineerM · 11/03/2022 20:29

@Rickrollme it’s not irrelevant to ask if that poster would ask a man the same question. He also had a baby 3 weeks ago.

Two humans procreate not one.

You’ve been off work (mental/intellectual stimulation) a long time OP just go back when you want.

FTEngineerM · 11/03/2022 20:30

I work with UX designers and I still think you should go back, I took my youngest to work today he was entertaining on the teams meetings

LouLou198 · 11/03/2022 20:32

I didn't mean to cause any offence to anyone by suggesting post natal depression. It was just when the op stated she felt "burnt out" and that she had "had enough" it reminded me of how I was with pnd, It took me months to realise that I had it, I wouldn't wish it on anyone, and so wish I had got help sooner.
Go back to work when it feels right for you as a family. Most people I know have taken 9-12 months, but I appreciate you have been at home for a while already.

FTEngineerM · 11/03/2022 20:41

@LouLou198 glad you’re better now. It’s rare to have pnd >10% (I think please, please correct me if I’m wrong here) so when a mum is saying I don’t enjoy it it isn’t always a chemical imbalance in her brain. Sometimes it’s just shit bringing up children and it’s always been burdened by women so naturally women have higher rates of ‘pnd’.

Taswama · 11/03/2022 20:48

6 months is fine.

I had PND with my first, went back at 6 months and felt better immediately.

But in the meantime, your DP / DH needs to be taking DC1 out to the park etc for a couple of hours every weekend as a minimum and once you have a bit of a routine with dc2 taking them too (eg just after a feed). You deserve a break.

FTEngineerM · 11/03/2022 21:04

@Taswama so are you linking pnd to going back to work @ 6m as improving if?

Taswama · 11/03/2022 21:56

I'm saying my mental health improved immensely when I returned to work. Not saying it would work for everyone but my depression was situational.

annabelindajane · 11/03/2022 22:09

Children are best cared for at home by a carer of some kind and really shouldn’t be in nurseries until they are 3 plus , so very contentious I know and I hear the howls of derision but it’s an unfortunate truth .

Sounds like you need to get back to work or get some other help with the babies .

but please look at having them cared for at home .

OverTheRubicon · 11/03/2022 22:59

@FTEngineerM

Could you possibly have post natal depression?

because she wants to work? Am I in an alternate universe? Paternity is 2 weeks.. do you say this to men?

If a man had a baby then yes I'd say the same. You still have a major wound inside you 3 weeks post partum, it feels pretty soon.

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