Become a crappy mum since baby number 2

[Belle82]

I don’t know where to start, it seems like my relationship with DD has completely gone downhill since DS arrived.

With lack of sleep and many more tantrums (only in the last week oddly - DS is 3 months old)
But I am snapping more and have less patience with her.

I had my son 3 months ago and he is Ebf so I can’t hand him off to my husband - won’t take a bottle of expressed milk either.
He has reflux and has to be held up after feeds. He will often fall asleep and when I put him down he wakes up.

I so badly want to be calm with my DD and I do all of the acknowledgement of her feelings and try my best with positive parenting. If I have a moment of shouting then I hate myself for the rest of the day, I always tell myself tomorrow I will be a lot better and then it all happens again.

I miss playing with her so much and I do try to at the same time as feeding DS, on the surface she loves him but I can tell she’s hurting and all I want to do is hug her and never let go 😔

If anyone has any advice about any of this please share it, I really need some advice from some mums who have been through it 😔

Oh DH is amazing, gets up in the night a lot, cooks most the time and will take DD out at the w/e but I know it’s the time with me she misses and so do I 😔❤️

Oh and night wakings and very early starts to the day, which I know can be because of anxiety over new baby’s arrival 😔

Good morning..

I am a mum to a 7 year old and 4 year old. My 7 year old was 2 years and 10 months when her brother came along. I remember those early weeks feeling like how the heck do I do this and that. Even now sometimes I feel "bad" for my eldest because her brother is still at an age where he can't quite grasp certain things and he can spoil a game etc. But she absolutely loves him.

Parenting has changed in my view. Mums now are supposed to be soooo much more than mums. We are meant to be our childrens friend and playmate. But one thing I've learned from having mine is nothing lasts forever. Nothing lasts long. The next phase soon comes in. Your youngest will not be a baby for long. Your older one won't remember this. She won't grow up thinking mum lost interest in me. Because you haven't. Children need to adapt and flow like the rest of us. But again something I've found helps me and always has Is a walk. Fresh air withboth kids. Whilst baby is in the pram interact with the other child. Depending on her age that could be bird spotting, conker picking, walks on the woods, ice cream at the park. She will love the attention, you get fresh air and baby will hopefully benefit from it too.

Before you know it they will be playing together. I know with social media it can feel like everyone else Is smashing it. But I can promise you they are not. Its not the easy fairytale we get shown on tele..it's hard work. Guilt is horrible. But just ride it out. You are doing amazing and both your children love you. Keep it up x

It’s really hard in the first few months with a baby and young child but I promise it does get better. Once baby DS was in more of a routine I found it easier as I could do a focused activity with DD during his nap time to give her the attention she needed. I also found it was always better if I got out in the day even if just for a walk for both me and DD.
Is your DD still napping? Mine stopped when DS was a few weeks old but I kept after lunch as quiet time where she watched tv and I had a cup of tea and sat for a bit to just regroup a bit ready for the afternoon

How old is DD?
The early days are tough. I found it got MUCH easier at around 5 months because naps were more reliable so i could plan to do something nice with eldest. I wasn't quite as shattered either, so I had more patience. Weaning was another big step forwards - led time breastfeeding, more time sitting at the table with all of us together, and more ability to daddy to have them for a decent chunk of time so i could focus on DD for a bit.

Seconding PP about getting out for a walk together. Playgrounds are great too - do you have a sling for baby? little ones often love watching older ones and fresh air, and your eldest will love chattering away to you.

Do you have friends with similar age children? Playdates are a godsend, 2 mums can look after 4 children a much more easily than 1 mum looks after 2!

Thank you so much for your kind words. It’s nice to hear I’m not the only one to have gone through this.
DD is 4yo and DS is 3 months. ❤️
When I wean him and get into a better nap routine (eg not constantly on me) then I look forward to spending more 1:1 time with her.

At the moment her behaviour is so challenging, currently on the 8th tantrum today.
I love her with all my heart but at the moment I don’t like her and I hate myself for even thinking that.

I definitely need to get out for walks with her. I used to love doing that over the summer / lockdowns. Thank you for reminding me of this, sometimes I just forget the basic things that can make a big difference.

I am constantly cleaning or getting on top of my to do list when she is at nursery so it’s hard to get quality time with my DS and he won’t be so little for very long and I don’t want to miss any of it.

Thankfully I do have friends with similar age children but don’t get together that often, scheduled for them don’t always work.