Any help with night feeds?

[username09643]

Hi all. Just wondering if your partners at all help with the night feeds? DH sleeps in the spare room and has only been in with us about 5-10 times ( DD is 15 weeks old) she is breastfed so we agreed it makes sense for him to get a full nights sleep as he is working however it's really starting to bug me now as he doesn't even come to help when I am unable to settle her and claims he didn't hear!!

Sorry for the rant

istandwithukraine it’s not at all making a point. When I’ve just settled back down and I’m dozing off after doing my third night feed and I hear her filling her nappy too right I’m waking my DH who has snored away next to me through every one of them. If I was wide awake in the middle of a feed then yeah I’d just do it. However I’m not going to martyr myself to make sure the poor working man gets his 8 hours while I’m exhausted up at the same time as him getting two DC ready and one off to school, when he’s just as much a parent and just as responsible for them as I am. Plus, he’s a good dad and he’s happy to take some of the load. I agree being at home with DC is a different kind of “work” but having previously coped returning to a stressful and responsible job with a DC who was a very poor sleeper and still BF I really don’t worry about him pitching in once or twice a night.

Mine would get up early (so if there was 4:30-6am feed) and come in bed with me and hold the baby to sleep on his chest (as would then be no worry about them settling) so I could get some solid hours before he was off to work.

Weekends he'd still do that and get up with them early so I could catch up for a few hours with a lie in.

Can't stand the mums who make you feel guilty for "not working" as if not being able to cope with sleep deprivation is a failing as a mother.

Office work is a hell of a lot less work than caring for a newborn.

My children were both breastfed and my DH was amazing each time. With every feed he would do the nappy change and settling and on the occasions where the baby just wanted to cluster feed for hours he would purposefully sit up for a few hours and tell me sleep whilst I had the baby in my arms (at the breast), which I could do because I knew I wouldn’t drop the baby because my DH was watching and would stop it from happening.

We used to play a game with each other where once the baby was a sleep we’d each guess what time he was going to next wake up and whoever was the closest had to give the other one a £1

I had two awful, awful sleeping babies and without my husband’s support during the awful nights I don’t think I would have coped.

The people that say 'theres no point 2 people being exhausted' are missing the point. Where 2 people either fully share night feeds, or alternate nights, neither person ends up particularly tired, as there are decent blocks of sleep for both parents, nights to recouperate etc.

We formula feed and take it in turns to do a night feed

Works out we get about 6-8 hours sleep each per night depending on what time we go to bed (obviously includes wake ups which we don't get up for) but feels enough sleep and means it's shared

@Jskfh837

Breastfeeding here and husband sleeps in the spare room (gets up with toddler if she wakes in the night and gets up with her in the morning.) Although he's on paternity still so I'm hoping when he is back at work he will still help out with toddler as I'm often up most of the night with baby! I go to bed early and he has baby downstairs with him then in the morning currently he has both whilst I catch up on sleep. I figured there's no point us both being exhausted so he get a good 5 hours usually. If I was really struggling with baby I'd wake him bit usually he's just feeding or snoozing on me. With our first he did help out a bit more at night with nappy changes etc but then we could nap during the day of needed - no chance now!!

This is exactly what I do. DH has baby evening and morning

I'm a bit 😮at the amount of people who's partners sleep in different room. We took turns of the night feed mostly but sometimes my husband didn't wake so I would do it. Particularly near the end of the week when he was tiered. I never asked him to get up, he wanted to.

I'm a first time mum to a 14 week DD.

For the first week DH did all the night feeds with me as I'd had a section, but he was off work then. Second week I was capable and we agreed I'd do night feeds during the week when he was at work and he does weekends. We've stuck to that but he does often wake up to make sure all is okay and see if I need help before going back to sleep. He then takes over the baby when he gets up in the morning so that I can have extra sleep if I need it. It works for us and I feel quite satisfied with our arrangement. Atm DD has been sleeping through for the past month so it's been much easier. I'll ne going back to work FT when shes about 11 months old so we will split them between us :)

Partner helped with all the night wakes for the first 12 weeks. Exclusively breastfed but it was a big struggle in the early weeks being awake for a couple of hours at a time; he did all the nappies, burping and rocking to sleep if feeding hadn't worked. Sometimes he would just be awake with me for support whilst I dreaded the early weeks of night feeding. At one point he was in the spare room for a bit but would come in every time baby woke to check if I needed help. When I didn't he'd go back to bed.

At 12 weeks baby started sleeping well so moved her into own bedroom and she wakes twice a night at most. Quick feed and she's back to sleep. I'm in and out in 10mins so he doesn't need to help. We have a 4 year old who sometimes wakes due to nightmares mainly so he deals with her night wakes and I deal with the baby. Works well.

He works full time from home. I'm a SAHM.
He's never claimed to not hear the children during the night. And gets up straight away. I'm lucky.

Op, if this is bothering you, say something.

@Mummymulla

Hey, I breastfed for the first 6 weeks and DH would sleep with us. He would occasionally wind and settle baby back to sleep but majority of the time I would. We switched to formula feeding after baby started having more reflux and now he takes over majority of the night feeds and hands over to me in the early morning. He works from home at the moment so he doesn’t mind, however I do feel guilty but at the same time it gives us both a good block of sleep when it’s split up!

Don't feel guilty! This is his baby too

@istandwithukraine

No. I had twins. Was on ML for 18 weeks. DH was working. I find it somewhat odd that some women insist on division of childcare in the nights when they are not working the next day but their partners are.

Parenting all day the next day by yourself whilst your partner works is also calling... working. Parenting is working. And an office job is equally working. Obviously dads can't breastfeed their baby but they can be... supportive. Well done for doing it by yourself with twins and back at work after 18 weeks. Must have been hard. Doesn't mean other women & couples need to do be doing the same though. Nothing odd about that.

Update DH is joining me in the main room tonight. Let's see how it goes ...

I hope you managed to get some rest.

I BFed and after about 4mo, DS wouldn't accept a bottle of anything at night. Only way I could do it was go to bed when he did, DH would bring him for a feed til he came to bed then also have him for an hour or so in the morning then deliver him at nap time for snuggly BF cosleep time

Baby boy 8 weeks. Good sleeper, sometimes wakes once a night- I get up as DH is working but I’d be miffed if he slept in spare room! He’s a very heavy sleeper though and often doesn’t wake up or if he does he’s straight back to sleep. I don’t mind him not helping if he’s working the next day but I still like to share the bed together. Baby is in crib, we aren’t co sleeping. I think if it bugs you then say something! He can help you certainly If he’s off the next day xo

@Simonjt

I do all the night wakings as I’m on adoption leave so I can nap during the day, where as he has to work for eight hours, seems stupid for both of us to be tired, seems extremely stupid to risk our only source of income at the moment.

Oh you have another child, congratulations Simonjt! 🎊

My baby is 5 weeks old and my partner does all the night feeds except he is away with work 1 (occasionally 2 days a week). I express enough for him to do bottles. Im going it alone tonight but it makes it so much easier knowing tomorrow I'll get a decent stretch! Men who don't pull their weight are a disgrace. I am maybe lucky but I do offer to split it but he feels its quality time with his son he doesn't get in the day.

I bf so I wouldn’t have expected a partner to stay up tbh just for the sake of it, but saying that I was a lone parent so didn’t have any choice anyway.

@sociallydistained

My baby is 5 weeks old and my partner does all the night feeds except he is away with work 1 (occasionally 2 days a week). I express enough for him to do bottles. Im going it alone tonight but it makes it so much easier knowing tomorrow I'll get a decent stretch! Men who don't pull their weight are a disgrace. I am maybe lucky but I do offer to split it but he feels its quality time with his son he doesn't get in the day.

2 adults can come to an agreement that works for them and just because it doesn't fit what you think is right, it doesn't make one of them a 'disgrace'...

I really do think this is quite an individual thing, what works for one couple won't for another. It depends on you, your personalities, your relationship dynamic, your baby etc etc. OP I think the most important thing here is for you to speak with your partner and come up with a plan you're both happy with and which meets both your needs. You've had lots of different suggestions of what works for some people so hopefully you can find one that works for you.

Breastfed 13mo dd and my partner has never helped with night feeds or night waking. Tbh it would be a huge faff going to get a bottle etc. He does sleep in the same room, I felt that was quite important for us to all sleep together.