Please Help with the Guilt

[Helpat43]

I left my husband 2 years ago, mainly because he was SO controlling. He was (and still is) very manipulating and a crafty bully.
I had years of feeling so unhappy. He was so miserable ALL the time and nothing I ever did was good enough. I pushed and pushed myself to make our lives better but it never was for him and I just couldn’t take anymore. I was losing my family, I’ve lost lots of friends over the years.
But that’s not why I need help.
We have a 9 year old daughter, she spends half her time with me and half with him, mainly because it works around his shift pattern. He has her when he’s not working and I have her when he is working, it works out half and half.
The problem is my daughters frame of mind. He has convinced her that everything is mummy’s fault. Mummy has broken up our family, made us leave our family home, broken Daddy’s heart etc.
The guilt he puts on her is so much but when I say something he just replies with ‘well you done the damage when you left’ like it’s given him cart blanche to do whatever he likes now because this was all caused by me.
My little girl feels so torn, she misses him when she is with me and misses me when she is with him. She feels guilty if she is doing something fun because he makes her feel like he’s missing out (‘oh, Daddy would have liked to do that with you’).
She says how cross she is with me because Mummy has broken up our family but then she feels guilty for feeling that way because she loves me.
I’m worried she can’t take anymore. The school has given her a ‘go to’ person but even she has said that she thinks my little girl needs more professional help.
I am constantly ‘bigging up’ Daddy, I do not say any bad things about him at all. I believe he does say bad things but I can’t prove it or do anything about it.
I have met a new man and have introduced him to my daughter and she really likes him, until she’s been back with her dad and then she comes home hating him (he doesn’t live with us and she barely sees him) but she says he’s the reason Mummy and Daddy aren’t together.
I just don’t know how to help her. She really resents me and I can’t say ‘well if Daddy hadn’t been so horrible, Mummy wouldn’t have split up with him’
Any help/advice would be so appreciated, thank you

Well this just sounds awful, I'm so sorry OP. You sound like a great mum though.

It sounds like it might be time for family therapy. And maybe also individual therapy for your DD and for you. You've clearly both got a lot of stuff to work through. Speak to your GP and ask for help. Then go back and demand it, because you're going to have to push to make this happen. Good luck.

My LO is on a waiting list for child's therapy but it's a 9 month waiting list unfortunately.
Thank you so much for responding x

This really resonates with me because I was the child in this scenario. It's so hard and to be honest I had some tough teenage years, but came through it and my mum is my best friend now (and no contact with my dad). I would keep up the message of 'sometimes grown up relationships just don't work out, it's nobody's fault) and definitely pursue family therapy. You sound like a wonderful mummy.

Thank you, I really appreciate your help xxx

Do you have court-ordered 50-50 contact? Or is it an informal arrangement?

Apart from family therapy - and if you can possibly pay for this it would be a good investment- then really what you can do is to keep very neutral and never ever reflect what’s he’s doing by making her feel guilty, and validate her feelings “I know it is hard to feel like Daddy is sad about X” or “I can hear that you feel upset because Daddy said he was upset, but it’s OK to have fun with Daddy and when Daddy can’t be there” - that kind of thing.

This is the long game so that eventually she’ll draw her own conclusions. I’m so sorry he’s a prick.

She says how cross she is with me because Mummy has broken up our family but then she feels guilty for feeling that way because she loves me.

“It’s OK to feel cross, DD - I know you wish me and Daddy could have stayed together. But sometimes grown-ups aren’t happy together. I don’t mind if you feel cross with me sometimes - we all are allowed to feel cross. You don’t need to feel guilty because I know you love me, and I love you too.”

Then you could try giving her an outlet for cross feelings - a journal to write in that you’ll never look at etc.

she says he’s the reason Mummy and Daddy aren’t together

You just need to reiterate that Mummy and Daddy can’t be together because they don’t love each other, but that’s OK because Daddy loves you and I love you. Don’t get drawn into making your new boyfriend a focus at all.

NoSquirrels unfortunately Daddy keeps telling her that he would get back together for her sake but Mummy won't.
It's all very manipulative. So when I say 'unfortunately mummy and daddy aren't happy together' I just get 'But Daddy has said you can be'.
I can't tell her that Daddy sends mummy nasty messages still and it's all about him manipulating both of us.
I do tell her that's it's ok to be cross and that both mummy and daddy love her very much.
A journal is a very good idea thank you.
I have got her a worry cushion that she can put her worries in before she goes to bed and the worry fairy will take them away each night but she gave up because she said it wasn't working :(
Thank you for your help x